I don't even know how to properly express the feelings I am experiencing right now. I think one of the main one that just automatically come to mind is, I am PISSED OFF. I am LIVID that I live in a world/ society where my safety is in jeopardy simply because I am a woman. I am upset because we live in a world where degrading women have become such a norm that we no longer blink an eye when it happens. I am furious because more and more often in every form of media woman are being shown less as human beings and more as human parts met to be pawed or handled...but mostly heartbroken at the message we are sending to our young girls and teaching our young boys. Fear is suppose to be my friend, blame is suppose to be my burden to bear...and tonight the idea of carrying either has left me infuriated and reflective.
The Moment
On my way home tonight from church, I rode the bus home. Within a few minutes of actually riding on the bus my phone died. I wasn't too concerned because the bus ride was 40 minutes long and depending on the bus driver the walk home never takes me more than 5 minutes. As I hot step my way home I realize that I had lock my key in my mothers car, and as I came closer to home I realize that the only person home was my mother who was most definitely in deep sleep. Rang the doorbell, no answer...knock on the door, no response. Now having a dead phone has become an issue.
I decided to find a place/ store where I could charge my phone and proceeded down the street. Almost immediately I was approached by a guy who offered me to just follow him to his house that was across the street where "I can hang out and watch TV while my phone charged...This was followed by comments like "You're so beautiful, how old are you, you have such a pretty face" Immediately red alarms went off and I ended the conversation. The mister must not have gotten the memo even when I stated that someone was waiting for me because he decided to move a bit closer. I firmly told him no and good night and proceeded to walk across the street towards a gas station that was filled with people. As I got closer I notice a car was following me!! This guy had jump in his car to follow me and proceeded to drive and stop every few steps I took all the while gesturing for me to get in the car. Right before I reach the gas station, he screech the car to a stop and attempted to get out.
I was scared.
I made it into the safety of the gas station and someone who actually saw the whole interaction asked me if I was all right. I charge my phone for a bit, contacted my brother and told him the situation. The gas station was closing and I decided to make a decision. I was not going to allow this man to place fear in my heart, I waited a bit to make sure his car was not close and decided to take the opposite street home.
Power of Prayer
It's crazy how heightened your senses become when you are afraid. Every sounds seem like roaring thundering crashing right over your head...Every shadow a living, breathing incarnation of every childhood nightmare.
So I prayed
"Daddy I am scared but I believe the promises that you promised me. You said no weapons formed against me shall prosper, that you are always with me and that you will never leave or forsake. So protect Abba from the sight of evil men, hide me from the wickedness in their hearts. Holy Spirit comfort me and send my angels to be a shield around me right now"
I felt peace.
As soon as I step up my stairs I could hear the stirrings of my mother as she yank the doors open, demanding to know who was following and if everything was all right. Now my Mama has always been a fighter and I'm pretty sure if anyone was behind me she would have tackled them down. I rarely doubt that this woman would protect me with her life if she was face with that decision.
Power of Words
My grandmother once told me "that some people just don't know how to show their concern,fear (emotions) properly, rather than get upset at everything they say, seek to find the spirit behind the words"
This little piece off wisdom has helped me guard my heart from many hurtful things that could have easily taken root in my heart. It has allowed me to learn the art of forgiveness quickly. With that being said, my mother is that person, whose words don't always convey the message that I know she truly wants to express in her heart. That has caused a lot of friction between us which I am holding fast to prayer about, believing God to do something awesome as I trust Him more and more...but tonight she said something that I just thought was extremely insensitive and stupid and a perfect display of how the world thinks.
This little piece off wisdom has helped me guard my heart from many hurtful things that could have easily taken root in my heart. It has allowed me to learn the art of forgiveness quickly. With that being said, my mother is that person, whose words don't always convey the message that I know she truly wants to express in her heart. That has caused a lot of friction between us which I am holding fast to prayer about, believing God to do something awesome as I trust Him more and more...but tonight she said something that I just thought was extremely insensitive and stupid and a perfect display of how the world thinks.
She said, "It was God who was protecting you BUT as a young lady you need to be careful what you wear because if you weren't wearing something revealing he would have never approached you that way"............
All though it drives me up the wall that I have to insert this disclaimer I would like to add I was wearing a (romper with a blue calf-length skirt over it *per direction of Holy Spirit* with a cardigan)
All though I understood from practice that she didn't know how to properly express concern what I heard was..
It's your fault
It's your responsibility
You're to blame for what happen
Men can't help themselves and as woman you should no better
That 3 letter word shifted responsibility, that 3 letter word created even for a moment this idea that I deserve to be mistreated instead of treated like a lady, that 3 letter word said to a man who had perversion and wickedness in his heart toward a woman that he was not too blame, that 3 letter word reminded me that I live in fallen world because the word that made me feel and think these things came from own my mother.
Do I blame her??.....No, she was taught this herself by someone else. Did I learn something about this?.....Yes, I learn that there is a secret, hidden part of me that I have yet to allow the Holy Spirit to heal. I realize this experience has flash a light on a can of worms, ugliness, pain that I am not ready to explore yet and that's ok. But it's made me even more aware that my God is REAL, PRESENT, and ACTIVE. That He is there as my hidden place, my fortress, my strong refuge, my comforter late at night. So my reflection before I call it a night is filled with anguish for my sisters and hope that this reach someone that was hurting. You are not alone.
To those who have been raped/molested/terrorized: I am so so so sorry that you have endured any of it. It breaks my heart that you a survivor of such evilness. I want you to know that you are NOT to blame, you did not deserve that pain and God wept when it happen. He wept that something was stolen from you (innocence, joy, dignity, security, peace of mind, self-esteem) by force. But as you read this I want you to know there is no comforter like the Holy Spirit, and vengeance is The Lord. He LOVES you so and has the power to give you back all the things that were taken from you in abundance. You are valuable, beautiful, wonderfully and fearfully made, a masterpiece, a princess of The King, filled with purpose. I want you to know for yourself the comfort that I am getting tonight as your own. It's not easy but trust me when I say God will never leave you on this journey.
Beloved Rise
