"I hear the rain falling against my window pane. I feel the chill nip of the winter air reach for my toes. One more minute I said, 30 minutes ago to my alarm clock. Just a couple more seconds I thought as my finger hit that snooze button. I just don't really want to participate in today honestly. I don't think I can muster the energy or desire for one more day. I don't think I can fight through this heaviness that just envelopes my mind, body, and spirit. I can't deal. Can't I just close my eyes and stay in bed all day? Can't I just take a raincheck in participating in life? I promise that tomorrow I'll be more able, more present, more driven, more I guess alive. Today I just can't..."
"Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world, Daughter Rise. My strength is made even more evident when you are weak. I am your strength. Rest in me."
Hi. *princess wave* I'm Jenny. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, completely and totally in love with him and I am on a journey in overcoming what the clinical world calls seasonal depression and what I choose to refer as "winter blues". Can I be honest and say I really didn't want to release this blog into the world. I didn't want to disclose a battle that I deal with everyday, I wanted to appear like I had it all together. I realize that I was trying to boast in my own strength, to block a blessing of obedience.
Beloveds more and more I am learning that what attracts people to "inspirational" people is not their perfect pieces but the broken ones that have been transformed by God. Only in transparency can there be true connection, love, and healing... and to just be blunt, there are too many dead people pretending to be alive. We have too many people pretending to have it together when they are barely making it through. That is pride. So I release this blog believing that in my imperfect way God will perfectly express his LOVE and constant presence to those of you dealing with depression, have relatives suffering from it, or in a place where life just seems to hard to continue...
Beloveds more and more I am learning that what attracts people to "inspirational" people is not their perfect pieces but the broken ones that have been transformed by God. Only in transparency can there be true connection, love, and healing... and to just be blunt, there are too many dead people pretending to be alive. We have too many people pretending to have it together when they are barely making it through. That is pride. So I release this blog believing that in my imperfect way God will perfectly express his LOVE and constant presence to those of you dealing with depression, have relatives suffering from it, or in a place where life just seems to hard to continue...
The beginning of this blog is pretty much my daily struggle from the moment Mid-October hits to basically April-May. Some days are better than most while others feel like hours are too long so I function in minute intervals. See I didn't know I was depressed until my Junior year in college but at that point I had been dealing with depression for 5 years.
If you met me you'd understand why this was hard to believe, I tend to present or embody a "Ray of sunshine, puppies, rainbow, and Reese's" presence. I am an introvert that comes off as an extrovert. A weird breed of human that genuinely loves people but is exhausted by social interaction with them. People see my smile and often time believe that I haven't endured demons...what they don't realize is the brightest smile tends to hide the deepest battles. That smile you see tends to be the tallest barrier, and most iron clad jail.
If you met me you'd understand why this was hard to believe, I tend to present or embody a "Ray of sunshine, puppies, rainbow, and Reese's" presence. I am an introvert that comes off as an extrovert. A weird breed of human that genuinely loves people but is exhausted by social interaction with them. People see my smile and often time believe that I haven't endured demons...what they don't realize is the brightest smile tends to hide the deepest battles. That smile you see tends to be the tallest barrier, and most iron clad jail.
I didn't realize I was depressed until death seem more fascinating to me than life. I didn't realize how deep in it I was until I looked around my room and saw the mess and immediately felt too tired to function. I didn't realize how wrapped up I was until I noticed that my love affair with my bed mattered more to me than my cleanliness (hygiene), eating, and just daily living activities. Sunlight hurt, I was constantly tired, constantly cold and filled with a dull ache/numbness in my chest that seemed to grow daily. It's hard for people to understand what someone suffering from depression may feel. I was one of them who believed that this person just needs to suck it up and pull themselves up by their bootstrap. I am no expert at depression whatsoever, but from experience I can say that for me depression wasn't because I COULDN'T deal with life problems and issues, I just didn't have the desire to. If I could put into words my state of mind 3 years ago and most likely the general feeling of many individuals dealing with depression I would say:
I wasn't depressed because I was overwhelmed by feelings, life, emotions. I was depressed because of the absence of them....I wanted to feel...I wanted happiness to stay longer but I felt discon.....nected. Like a bystander seeing life without an invitation to join.
That's where I encountered Christ.
He extended an invitation that was so much better than my current situation. He invited me to experience true life! He met me in that dark place and comforted me like no other. Gosh. I wish my words could really capture that moment. The day he met me I hadn't showered for days, I haven't eaten for probably more, I didn't have the words to explain the pit I was in. I wanted help but I didn't know how to ask, I felt so alone, like no one could understand or see me....I was tired Beloveds, so very tired and I remember wishing that I could sleep forever and right then, in my literal funk I heard in my spirit:
"I have never left or forsake you. I am right here Daughter. I understand. I love you, come let me give you the rest, the peace that you desperately want. Let me fill that void"
I didn't have to explain he already knew. I didn't have to verbalized because he saw my pain and saw the state of my heart. I got up and took a shower, and the drops of water on my flesh felt like a cleansing. I not only was washing the stink off my skin but my very soul. The tears falling off my face in that shower was a dam of release. Jesus loves me, I am not alone. You are not alone either.
Dealing with depression sucks and one of the biggest illusion that people fall for is this idea that they are alone. Another lie that we fall for especially if you are a Christian is this idea I shouldn't be dealing with this anymore. I remember thinking, Am I suppose to feel this way as a Christian? I mean I'm saved and Holy Spirit filled why in the world am I still struggling in this area?? I thought that the moment I came to Christ with my whole heart that I didn't have to deal with things like this anymore? I mean I am a NEW CREATION right??!" Should I take medication? Should I see a counselor? If I do any of the above does that mean I don't believe in the power prayer.
This is what God has taught on this journey and this is where I stand in regards to all the question above.
1. GOD IS THE ANSWER. I believe in the sovereignty of God and all of his power. I believe in his promises and not once has he promised me that I wouldn't deal with depression anymore. His word says I am victorious, but sometimes we forget that before any victory there is a battlefield, confrontation, struggle. That is the process of overcoming.
2. Depression is a spiritual and physical thing. We are a spirit placed in a body of dirt (Genesis 2:7). This means that the start point is and always will be prayer/faith, it also continues with the physical provision of God. A counselor is a physical provision, someone that God has gifted to walk with you through this journey. For some medication is a provision. In all God has to be the guide, the main point of instruction and leading.
3. You are not LESS of a Christian for dealing with depression. This sounds weird but I honestly believe that I am still overcoming depression because for me it keeps me humble and focus on God. I can't pride myself when I have great days (which is more often than my less) because I know that God is my source, he's the reason behind it, he is my strength, my peace, my refuge. There are some struggles that God will keep you in because in it you discover the depth of Him. (Disclaimer: Notice I said struggles and not sin. God is HOLY no sin that he has clearly called you out of ex: fornication, witchcraft, homosexuality, idolatry, drunkenness etc...he will tell you to remain in (-_-) don't play games).
4. I am not "Happy", I am JOYFUL. There is a huge difference. You see Beloved happiness is circumstantial, it depends on the situation, on the people involved, and on feelings. This is why someone/something can "ruin your mood". No sir. Not for me. Joy is my inheritance. It's not dependent on me it is secured in Christ. No one can rob me of my joy, because no one can rob God. You can delay the glory that YOU give Him, but he ultimately will get all of the glory. Am I always happy? No. Am I always joyful? Yes! because God is.
5. Joy is a choice. It begins with choosing Christ to be your Savior. You see I have had bad days, and those ladies I've chosen to be accountable to know that these days can be rough. But Ive learn that I can choose to reach out for prayer or choose to stay in that place. I can choose to stir myself up & remind myself of the promises of God or mope around with some demons and their lies. The joy that people see in me is a choice that I make in the morning to believe that God has me in the palm of his hands. A choice to believe that the plans that he has for me for that day are plans to prosper me and not too cause me harm. My joy comes from the knowledge that when I am spent and done, God is right there saying tag me in.
To those of you dealing with depression and don't know Christ: I wish I could give you a hug and look you in the face and tell you, you are not alone. I've been there, and we are in this together. God knows, and understands. Seek his face right now. Then reach out to someone. A lone sheep is the focus target of the enemy, but the thing worth shouting for and crying over is that, God is the shepherd that leaves the 99 to find the 1 lost. He's looking for you.
To those dealing with depression as Christians: Keep going, keep believing, keep enduring. God is using this in our lives for a reason. You may not understand the why but trust the WHO. The great I AM goes before you claiming the victory. Release that testimony and put down your shields of "perfect, I got it together". No you don't if you did you wouldn't need Christ. God wants to use this to touch and reach someone. This was what I was convicted about and it's the reason this blog is being written.
To those with loved ones dealing with depression: Stop expecting an explanation, a reason and just be available. Most importantly pray, pray, pray. Depression makes no sense, and often times those in its clutches don't know how to put into words the vastness of the emptiness. Words are exhausting. Release them of that responsibility of giving you a reason and instead intercede on their behalf. What helped me the most on my journey weren't the people demanding an answer but those who were quietly there expecting nothing. They let me be but made it evident that I could depend on them to help me step out and kept me upright when my knees buckled and my feet faltered. Your presence more than your words will speak louder.
Beloved Rise,
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| One of my Beautiful sisters who saw me in that season |
