Road Less Traveled

I was traveling on this road filled with haze...you know that haze that happens when the sun's heat beats on the Earth soo much that it releases tears that turn into that dreamy steam. Well on this road I saw a couple of travelers different height, size, shape, color, age, male, and female, and some I couldn't really tell...all going different directions, all clothe in varying degree of shabbiness and filth, all on the same road. Oddly enough these travelers different in every way contained the same look on their faces. This puzzled me so much that I stopped. I shuddered and wondered did I have that same look? It was a look of pure torment. They all seem lost in a silent battle, eyes lost in a horror that only they could see. Aimlessly they moved but as I looked deeper I realized that something was pulling them deeper into the haze. I saw a weariness, a weariness that was slowly seeping the vibrancy of life from them.

I felt that weariness....I knew that weariness....I felt the tug drawing me deeper into that haze...I guess I did look like them. 

     Gosh I wanted something else....

At the corner of my eye I catch sight of a bright color red. I look up and see a young woman, she has a radiant smile, a joy and peace about her that seem to be contagious. She is heading the other way, pointing to a road less traveled. She attempts to capture the attention of any traveler she comes into contact with convincing them to walk with her...I stared, slowly our eyes connect. She joyously runs towards me and takes me by the hand. That touch felt warm, I didn't realize how cold I was.

She begins to tell me about The Man who will meet me at the beginning of my journey. He would change my life, give me a new hope and purpose. She told me how much he loved me, how much he has been pursuing me. She told that if I accept to walk with Him he promises to never leave or forsake me, promise me a joy that can't be taken. I listened and something entered my heart, hope. I wanted to meet Him.

So I followed her.

The closer we came to this road, the more I wanted to know about Him. The more I wanted to know about this King who came as man to save me from bondage, from a death that I rightly deserve, to pay the price I could never pay. What would I say? What should I do when I meet Him?

Suddenly I was bombarded by thoughts

"Why would he want to see me?"

"He's too good to be true, can he really give me all these things"

"I am not worthy"

"I am a hot mess, he wouldn't want to meet me"

"Maybe I can wait until I am more presentable to meet Him"

Just when I had convinced myself that it would be better to wait to meet him. Just before choosing to completely turn around I look up and I saw Him...in that moment every thought scattered, every fear was cast out, every sadness I've felt paled in comparison to the love I saw in His eyes. That love overwhelmed me so much I was rendered speechless. Silent, steady tears became my words. "You've found me" they said. He lifted his hands for an embrace...for a moment I hesitated.. I looked down at myself filthy, disheveled and I didn't want to make Him dirty, I try to pull at and fix myself quickly and the worst I looked. 

"Come" He said.

His voice drew my focus away from my state to the source of solution.

I don't know when my feet started to move, I don't know when urgency captured my heart turning it to a desperate run but what I knew was He was the answer for that huge void in me. I fell into His embrace and I clung to the source of life. That was the best Fall I've experienced.

"Welcome back my child, I have missed you, oh how I long for this reunion, how I long to hold you and free you from those burdens, I've sent so many to grab your  attention but today you have heard my voice. My Beloved Child"

A dam was released in me and those silent tears became heart wrenching groans. "I am home, my heart sing " there I stayed until slowly my tears abated and my hold loosened enough for me to let out my praise.

I am home.

(Part two to be continued...)

Dear Beloved,

To say this story was my plan would be a lie. It seemed to write itself as it flowed from my spirit. With every word I ministered to my own spirit. Every word brought me back to 3 almost 4 years ago. I remember feeling lost, aimless, weary, burdened, and so deep in darkness. I remember thinking that there must be more but unable to figure out what more was. I remember that moment when I recognize that I was on a road that leading to doom and many were on it with me.

I don't know how many people he sent my way to wake me up, to point me back to Him. I thank God that he kept sending people, that he continued to pursue me and place people and moments in my path that soften my heart to hear Him. I want to thank Heather Lindsey for being my lady in red that finally grabbed my attention to point me back to the road less traveled, back to Jesus. Her joy in Christ created a hunger in me for the same. I wanted it for myself.

This story reminded me of 3 main points.

1. I was once lost. I was once in a place where life had no meaning, no purpose. I was simply going through the motion, a copy of everyone else in the world. I can never be too proud to say that I was once covered in filth, I once was living a life of intentional sin, I was once God enemy but God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners Christ came and died for us (Romans 5:8)

2. Called to be a lady/men in red. Once we have discovered Christ we are each called to share that freedom with others. So many are lost, fighting a losing battle in their own strength all because Gods people are silent about who God is in their life. The joy, peace, love, power that we have in Christ should be so apparent that it draws people to His throne.

3. Choosing the road less traveled and encountering Jesus is part 1. When I was 16 I had my first encounter with Jesus. So much so that I made a decision to be baptized. I had that emotional response, that dam of release but my relationship with Him remained at the encounter. I didn't walk with Him, I didn't grow in Him in fact almost immediately I was blindsided by the world because I didn't grow roots. Beloved we must work out our salvation for whoever is of God hears the words of God. The reason why you do not hear them (His Truth) is that you are not of God. For if you abide in His word, you will truly be His disciples. You will know His voice and you will follow Him.

Beloved Rise,

Forbidden Doors; Overcoming Desires

Late at night when my flesh whispers to me and my thoughts slithers near forbidden doors 

You are there clothing me with your power, Grace, and mercy

When the voices of the world seem to sing me a lullaby of my past...

You remind me of my current gift and the future that you are preparing for me

When I yearn to hear a deep voice woo my loneliness 

You remind me that quiet still voice is the only real comfort I need, there is nothing temporary about you.

When I feel like I can't overcome by the waves of these fleshy desires

You remind that the flesh was stripped from your back and pierced to a cross so I could have access to that overcoming freedom

Your I am is true because truth is the very fiber of your being, the foundation where love flows from...

So as honest as my feelings may seem during the darkest moments in the sky

I am choosing to rest on the Son that shines and lights on all hidden places in my life.

Only you have seen all of my secret thoughts and hidden places and deep hurts...and love me the same.

So tonight as my flesh pines for what was

I surrender and marvel at a love that is and will always be.

Thank you for loving me Jesus.

I remember about 2 years ago I was in a place where I was mad at God, I was in a place where I couldn't deny who he was in my life but at the same time I wanted to rebel and push away because things weren't going my way and the pruning stage of my growth occurring.

 I was lonely, and I was missing being intimate with a man. I was no longer in the honeymoon stages with God, I was in the marriage phase where we had to work some things out... That didn't sit too well because I thought "God if I am not feeling my relationship with you then you are not really there for me, what about my needs God? Why am I going through these things?" You see relationship with God takes commitment, it takes active effort on our part to draw close and truly be married to him.

 At that time I had the number of someone who I entertained and temporarily used to fill that God size void in my heart. You see I didn't really see a future with this person but he was a desired distraction from my present. He was that person I called knowing that he would pick up no matter what... Pause can we be real about this..y'all know we all have that saved number that we should have deleted a LOONNNGGG time ago. That person was mine. 

Looking back at this place now I cringe and at the same time smile because I realize two things. The first, I was extremely selfish and manipulative in that season behaving like a Jezebel. I wanted God my way or not at all and if he wasn't going to move at the speed that I wanted Him too I would help him along, silly right?? That Jezebel spirit is no joke. The second thing I realize was that even when I was intentionally seeking to be disobedient God was still pursuing me relentlessly, providing me with opportunities/ moments to obey him. Beloved the same saving Grace that picks us up when we fall, if we look back also will provide us escape routes to protect us and propel us to a deeper maturity. It gives us the power to say no to sin and yes to God.

I didn't know then that God had already equipped me with the power and ability to pass those tests with my flesh but I had to choose to access that power. Beloved God has given us all the power we need to overcome these strongholds in our lives we just now have to learn how to tap into that power.

How do we access that power?

1. Be honest with God. God isn't afraid or surprise by your feelings. In fact he would much rather you express it and share it with him then run around and tell everyone and their mamma. That love letter in the beginning of this blog was a journal entry I had at 2-3 o'clock in the morning. I chose to be honest to God about where I was, my desires, I chose to be unashamed like David. 
2. Stop Lying to Yourself. Before we can tap into that power that is trap in you, you have to stop lying to yourself. Stop pretending that everything is OK..it's not..you are in a battle and you are taking critical hits, a good amount of it from your own gun.
3. Put on the full Armor of God. One of my favorite Pastor/teacher is Dr. Tony Evans, he just has the ability to present the word of God in a way that blows your mind and can make sense to even the smallest child. It would be an injustice for me to try to explain what I have learn from this so I attach the video below. Watch it, take notes =)
4. Stand Firm and Have faith. Beloved you are a new creation in Christ, when God freed you from sin he freed you from all sin. You have to believe in that truth, you have to stand firm in it. Then you have to work out your salvation in that truth.  

My prayer today is that you will stop allowing your feelings to lead you to forbidden doors. My prayer today is that what you have been wrestling with for so long you place it before the throne of God and not the audience of men.

Beloved Rise, 

A Heart Like Hosea

I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. Hosea 2:19

For awhile I have been praying, "God give me a heart like Hosea, a heart that breaks after what breaks your heart, a heart that desires to reach out to the lost of this world". Today I realized what it means to pray that prayer. I don't know if I am just extremely sensitive to the Holy Spirit due to my experience during the Pinky Promise Conference 2015 which I will blog about later, but today I felt my heart break. It hurts so much Beloved that all I can do is shed tears and implore our Heavenly Abba to grant us mercy.

These past few months our world has been riddled with violence, pain, hatred, and so much evilness. I nearly became immune to it, it slowly became an expectation to hear about something horrible happening in the news, I was no longer surprise, I was no longer affected. This past week was a prime example of evilness gaining strength in our nation. On June 17 around 8 pm in Charleston, South Carolina a young man, Dylann Roof, opened fire in a church Bible Study killing 9 people. This was a hate crime. This young white man went in to this predominantly African American church to kill the people there because they looked different from him. His actions disturbed me, his hate angered me but what broke me was the victims families response to him.  They responded in love, a love that could only come from Jesus Christ. I was floored.. Loving/ forgiving is easy until you have something that you truly have to love someone through and forgive someone for. This family had every reason to respond in anger, in their emotions, with their hate, in fact it was expected...but when they responded differently it showed that love has the power to overcome any evil/hate. That's when you realize that you can't love completely out of your own strength, you need the supernatural grace of God. For He IS love. 

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. ~1 John 4:18

Today this love is under attack. It is being challenged and is being redefined by man. The part that hurts is that the Body of Christ is allowing it by our actions and convictions. My focus today is not even about the law that was passed that has now made Same-sex marriage legal in the United States. That isn't my focus because I trust Gods word, for his word is eternal and everything else is temporary. My focus is on the response of the body of Christ. We are divided church and confused and I just don't get it. The Word says that a house divided can not stand. We hesitate and walk in fear while knowing the truth. We sugarcoat and tone down the Gospel that has the ability to save and transform because we fear persecution. We hold our testimonies and are unprepared to provide a reason for our hope which is Jesus Christ. We need to stand on the truth of God and not our opinions of it. His word is clear.

We are posting statements of "God is love, and it's not my place to judge.... while failing to mention that He is also Holy, righteous and we are called to be doers of the word, to submit ourselves therefore to God to resist the devil". 

What happen to our conviction Church?? 

For whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. (James 4:16).  

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12).

We are called to live as people who are free, not using our freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. (1 Peter 2:16)

We have Blood on our Hands.

I pray you hear my heart in this blog. Today I realize and literally felt this prayer in every part of me. My heart is breaking for this world and I can not contain my tears. So much so that I had to ask God for forgiveness. Forgiveness for focusing on earthly things like my career, my single status, my emotions, fear, guilt, shame about my past, need for money and car etc.. When he's been trying to get me in a place where I could be empty to be used by Him to minister to his people. Beloved do you feel it? Do you feel the breaking of Gods heart for this world?? Do you feel his yearning for these lost souls?? Or are you so focus on self like I was. So focus on what you need from God that you have turn deaf ears to His heart desire, so focus on your inadequacy that you forgot that God can use those very things your hiding to save someone soul. Is your comfort zone worth someone very soul and eternity?? Beloved we need to repent of our selfish ways and seriously pray for the Holy Spirit to wreck our hearts. I want to have a heart and life that yearns after the things of God. I want a heart like Hosea.

What does a heart like that look like?? I guess we have to first figure out who this Hosea was. Why was his story so powerful? Let's explore it together. 

Hosea was a minor prophet who lived during the final days of the Northern Kingdom. Hosea had such a heart for God that God chose to use his family life as a symbol to represent His constant love, grace, mercy for an unfaithful nation, the Israelites. God ordered Hosea to marry Gomer, an adulterous/unfaithful women knowing full well she will step out on him. The crazy part is that all though his heart is constantly broken by her unfaithfulness, God orders him to continuously love her, to take her back and care for her. Hosea love for Gomer is a representation of Gods covenant love for the unfaithful Israelites. 

Heart like Hosea Is:

1. Obedient- To marry a woman during that period of time with a reputation for being loose was to be an open target for ridicule. Can you imagine being a prophet telling people that God will punish the people for their unfaithfulness and hearing someone make a jab about your wife?? But Hosea didn't care what men thought of Him, he cared about what God has to say...and when he spoke he listen.

2. Sensitive to Gods voice- In today's generation we are sensitive to everyone and everything but God. We waver and flow from whichever opinions sounds the best to our ears. One of the biggest complaint that I hear is, "Well, how do I know that it's God and not me or the enemy??" You can only know someone you spend time with. You can only recognize the voice of someone you constantly listen to. There are too many people who have opinions about God yet don't KNOW Him.

3. Relentless in its Convictions- Hosea wasn't afraid to stand alone. Even if the attack came from home, from his peers he did not compromise his convictions to fit in. Even when everyone else was living for the world, he had determined in his heart that he would live and speak for God. We need that conviction again y'all.

4. Broken for what breaks God's heart. God loves people. He desires so much for them to come into his rest. He desires for them to be whole. He desires for them to come into the knowledge of Him. He desires for the least to be taken care of. He desires having fellowship with us. He desires for us to be able to approach his throne with reverence, adoration. He desires for no one to perish but for all to be saved through a relationship with his son Jesus Christ. Do you desire to see people saved? Set free? Delivered? Living boldly and completely in Him? You can answer yes to all those that's great! My follow up questions to that are when was the last time you shared Christ with someone? Do you live in the freedom that Christ died to give you or are you justifying sin in your life?

5. Filled with Unconditional love-  One of the parts that brings me to tears is when Hosea redeems his wife. Hosea buys back his wife from slavery for way more than she was worth because God called him to love her. To have a heart like Hosea we need to love the unlovable, to forgive the unforgivable unconditionally. We should treat people with more love, respect, honor than they deserve because Christ gave us more that we could ever hope for on that cross. He gave us a chance to be reconciled with our Heavenly Abba. 

Let's stop focusing on us Beloveds. Let's truly be free! Walk in obedience so you can lead someone to Christ. Resist the devil. Die daily to your flesh. Seek God! Let's live this life for real for real! Pray, Pray, Pray. It's time we took our place. Let's agree in prayer today. 

Beloved Rise,

Black Sheep in Me

I've been attempting to write this blog for at least 10+ months and just struggled with the words because in all honesty this is still a weak spot for me. I still struggle with the insecurity of feeling like an outcast even when I am surrounded by a crowd. This is an area that I am still surrendering, a piece of me that is still in the process of mending. It seems like the month of February is my "exposure" month, a month filled with God unearthing deep hidden parts in my heart. Which makes sense because February is the month that not only do I become a year older but in general the world is dealing with their definition of love. What would you do for the sake of love??

You ever find yourself relating to the villain in a story. I mean really understanding why they are the way they are and why they do the things they do because in a real way you see a part of them in you.

Well.......for me the "villain" I most identify with is the first earthly son. Cain.

I am Cain. You might be thinking....ummm I don't get it...What are you trying to say??? I am saying that in a real, undeniable way I understand and can relate to Cain. For those of you who don't know who this Cain is, let me give you a quick catch up in a significant story in the Bible that I  believe we can all relate to in some way, shape or form. Cain is the first man in the Bible to commit murder. He was the firstborn of Adam and Eve, a farmer, and the first black sheep of the family. Cain is the originator of sibling rivalry gone wrong and the first example of what anger and jealousy can do to a man's heart and life, and what people bondage can do to the heart. For your convenience I have added the story into this blog in order to be used as a reference point later

 Now Adam had sexual relations with his wife, Eve, and she became pregnant. When she gave birth to Cain, she said, “With the Lord’s help, I have produced a man!” Later she gave birth to his brother and named him Abel.

When they grew up, Abel became a shepherd, while Cain cultivated the ground.  When it was time for the harvest, Cain presented some of his crops as a gift to the Lord.  Abel also brought a gift—the best of the firstborn lambs from his flock. The Lord accepted Abel and his gift,  but he did not accept Cain and his gift. This made Cain very angry, and he looked dejected.

 “Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected?  You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.”

One day Cain suggested to his brother, “Let’s go out into the fields.” And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother, Abel, and killed him.

 Afterward the Lord asked Cain, “Where is your brother? Where is Abel?”

“I don’t know,” Cain responded. “Am I my brother’s guardian?”

But the Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground!  Now you are cursed and banished from the ground, which has swallowed your brother’s blood. No longer will the ground yield good crops for you, no matter how hard you work! From now on you will be a homeless wanderer on the earth.”

"Is there something wrong with me? Why is it a struggle for me to get the love that you seemed to easily give to others? Why am I Plan B?? Why am I trying so hard to earn your love or approval when it seems impossible for me to get it? I just want you to LOVE me! Is that too much to ask??!" 

To be completely transparent. Yes I am a Christian, yes I know that Jesus LOVES me in a way that no one on this Earth could  ever compare or surpass..but there is still that part in me, that small part that seeks to be loved and approved by a person. For me that person is my mother.

I have mama issues y'all, deep rooted ones that are bring unearthed everyday.....this is not to say that my mother hasn't taken care of me or nurtured me, I am who I am because of her sacrifice & dedication. There are soooo many things I could never repay her for. Nevertheless some of my deepest hurts and scars were inflicted by her. You see real love makes you vulnerable. It leaves you susceptible to be hurt & disappointed. Quickly in this life you discover that humans make horrible gods. We are too fragile, prideful, limited to carry that burden.

Nothing cuts as deep as the feeling of being unwanted by the people who should love you. I have felt like a black sheep. I have fed jealousy in my heart, kept grudges because I felt I had the right to be angry. I have felt like a visitor in my own home and an outcast among my friends. Not necessarily because they intentionally made me feel that way but because we live in a fallen world with imperfect human beings that will cause us pain. The enemy loves those inflicted by the "Black Sheep Syndrome". Matter fact the word says he targets them.

But...just like the enemy goes out of his way to chase down those of us that feel like a black sheep, GOD leaves the 100 to pursue and find that one lost black sheep. When lost you become the focus of his pursuit and overwhelming love. Wow! That wrecks me everytime it sinks in. God isn't confused and bothered by my feelings of loneliness, and anger. He wants to pursue me in the midst of it all. 

What??

Love. What is it?? Clearly it's something  we all want, sing of, fantasize about, desire to the point of craziness but seem to always---fall short to achieving or gaining. We don't understand love because we don't know the author of it, the source of it. We fail to sit down and reflect on why we feel what we feel. We just continue to be a victim to the roller coaster of emotions, moments, and experiences. I've come to realize that a good source of majority of my pain is that I was expecting Perfect love from an imperfect, hurt human being while ignoring the ONLY person that can love me perfectly.  

I have people bondage.

You see it's hard to serve and truly love someone when you are a slave to them. You have to release them from that list of people who wronged you Beloveds. You can't please an unpleasable person....I can't lose my focus on God and miss my blessings and purpose through Him by being bothered by a temporary being. But that is easier said than done. These are the things I'm learning in my journey of being a black sheep.

1. Figure out/study your love language. If you don't understand how you receive love, you will always be confused to why you feel the way you feel. Good The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

2. Draw near to God and he will draw nearer to you. Encounter the source of love. God is closer than your next breath. You are never alone. He is close to those who are broken hearted.

3. Release that grudge list you have in your heart. True love doesn't keep records of wrong. You may have all the right to do so but you will never move past it until you write down that list that you've been keeping tally of in your heart and tear it up.

4. Look at that persons through God eyes. This is HARD Beloved, a true struggle because it forces you to go beyond you. Beyond your hurt, your experiences, your perception of this person lies an undeniable truth. God loves them too. He sees them not as we see them, he sees their heart. The toughest, most harden people used to be the most sensitive people who have been beat up by life. When you grace others and choose to see them with mercy its rewardedby the Father.

5. Open yourself to receive love from God- place people. Fellowship is not an option. You can't do this journey alone, you were never design too.

6. Stop nursing that Cain hate/hurt in your heart. Cain was warned by God about the hate and hurt in his heart before it manifested to murder. Write it down, seek counseling. But don't meditate on it constantly because what a man thinks becomes what he does.

7. Recognize that not everyone is going to love you perfectly, know the difference between season friends/people. Forgiving someone doesn't always mean that they are qualified to be in every season of your life. That's ok. Ask for wisdom/discern means it will be given.

My hearts desire is that one person felt God's beckon back into his embrace.  Feeling like a black sheep is tough Beloved but what a balm to the soul it is to know that the Almighty God cares enough to leave everything to seek and find you.

Be encouraged.

Beloved Rise,

Winter Blues; Invitation Back to Life

"I hear the rain falling against my window pane. I feel the chill nip of the winter air reach for my toes. One more minute I said, 30 minutes ago to my alarm clock. Just a couple more seconds I thought as my finger hit that snooze button. I just don't really want to participate in today honestly. I don't think I can muster the energy or desire for one more day. I don't think I can fight through this heaviness that just envelopes my mind, body, and spirit. I can't deal. Can't I just close my eyes and stay in bed all day? Can't I just take a raincheck in participating in life? I promise that tomorrow I'll be more able, more present, more driven, more I guess alive. Today I just can't..."

"Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world, Daughter Rise. My strength is made even more evident when you are weak. I am your strength. Rest in me."

Hi. *princess wave* I'm Jenny. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, completely and totally in love with him and I am on a journey in overcoming what the clinical world calls seasonal depression and what I choose to refer as "winter blues". Can I be honest and say I really didn't want to release this blog into the world. I didn't want to disclose a battle that I deal with everyday, I wanted to appear like I had it all together. I realize that I was trying to boast in my own strength, to block a blessing of obedience.

Beloveds more and more I am learning that what attracts people to "inspirational" people is not their perfect pieces but the broken ones that have been transformed by God. Only in transparency can there be true connection, love, and healing... and to just be blunt, there are too many dead people pretending to be alive.  We have too many people pretending to have it together when they are barely making it through. That is pride. So I release this blog believing that in my imperfect way God will perfectly express his LOVE and constant presence to those of you dealing with depression, have relatives suffering from it, or in a place where life just seems to hard to continue...

The beginning of this blog is pretty much my daily struggle from the moment Mid-October hits to basically April-May. Some days are better than most while others feel like hours are too long so I function in minute intervals. See I didn't know I was depressed until my Junior year in college but at that point I had been dealing with depression for 5 years.

If you met me you'd understand why this was hard to believe, I tend to present or embody a "Ray of sunshine, puppies, rainbow, and Reese's" presence. I am an introvert that comes off as an extrovert. A weird breed of human that genuinely loves people but is exhausted by social interaction with them. People see my smile and often time believe that I haven't endured demons...what they don't realize is the brightest smile tends to hide the deepest battles. That smile you see tends to be the tallest barrier, and most iron clad jail.

I didn't realize I was depressed until death seem more fascinating to me than life. I didn't realize how deep in it I was until I looked around my room and saw the mess and immediately felt too tired to function. I didn't realize how wrapped up I was until I noticed that my love affair with my bed mattered more to me than my cleanliness (hygiene), eating, and just daily living activities. Sunlight hurt, I was constantly tired, constantly cold and filled with a dull ache/numbness in my chest that seemed to grow daily. It's hard for people to understand what someone suffering from depression may feel. I was one of them who believed that this person just needs to suck it up and pull themselves up by their bootstrap. I am no expert at depression whatsoever, but from experience I can say that for me depression wasn't because I COULDN'T deal with life problems and issues, I just didn't have the desire to. If I could put into words my state of mind 3 years ago and most likely the general feeling of many individuals dealing with depression I would say:

I wasn't depressed because I was overwhelmed by feelings, life, emotions. I was depressed because of the absence of them....I wanted to feel...I wanted happiness to stay longer but I felt discon.....nected. Like a bystander seeing life without an invitation to join.

That's where I encountered Christ.

He extended an invitation that was so much better than my current situation. He invited me to experience true life! He met me in that dark place and comforted me like no other. Gosh. I wish my words could really capture that moment. The day he met me I hadn't showered for days, I haven't eaten for probably more, I didn't have the words to explain the pit I was in. I wanted help but I didn't know how to ask, I felt so alone, like no one could understand or see me....I was tired Beloveds, so very tired and I remember wishing that I could sleep forever and right then, in my literal funk I heard in my spirit:

"I have never left or forsake you. I am right here Daughter. I understand. I love you, come let me give you the rest, the peace that you desperately want. Let me fill that void" 

I didn't have to explain he already knew. I didn't have to verbalized because he saw my pain and saw the state of my heart. I got up and took a shower, and the drops of water on my flesh felt like a cleansing. I not only was washing the stink off my skin but my very soul. The tears falling off my face in that shower was a dam of release. Jesus loves me, I am not alone. You are not alone either.

Dealing with depression sucks and one of the biggest illusion that people fall for is this idea that they are alone. Another lie that we fall for especially if you are a Christian is this idea I shouldn't be dealing with this anymore. I remember thinking, Am I suppose to feel this way as a Christian? I mean I'm saved and Holy Spirit filled why in the world am I still struggling in this area?? I thought that the moment I came to Christ with my whole heart that I didn't have to deal with things like this anymore? I mean I am a NEW CREATION right??!" Should I take medication? Should I see a counselor? If I do any of the above does that mean I don't believe in the power prayer. 

This is what God has taught on this journey and this is where I stand in regards to all the question above.

1. GOD IS THE ANSWER. I believe in the sovereignty of God and all of his power. I believe in his promises and not once has he promised me that I wouldn't deal with depression anymore. His word says I am victorious, but sometimes we forget that before any victory there is a battlefield, confrontation, struggle. That is the process of overcoming.

2. Depression is a spiritual and physical thing. We are a spirit placed in a body of dirt (Genesis 2:7). This means that the start point is and always will be prayer/faith, it also continues with the physical provision of God. A counselor is a physical provision, someone that God has gifted to walk with you through this journey. For some medication is a provision. In all God has to be the guide, the main point of instruction and leading.

3. You are not LESS of a Christian for dealing with depression. This sounds weird but I honestly believe that I am still overcoming depression because for me it keeps me humble and focus on God. I can't pride myself when I have great days (which is more often than my less) because I know that God is my source, he's the reason behind it, he is my strength, my peace, my refuge. There are some struggles that God will keep you in because in it you discover the depth of Him. (Disclaimer: Notice I said struggles and not sin. God is HOLY no sin that he has clearly called you out of ex: fornication, witchcraft, homosexuality, idolatry, drunkenness etc...he will tell you to remain in (-_-) don't play games).

4. I am not "Happy", I am JOYFUL. There is a huge difference. You see Beloved happiness is circumstantial, it depends on the situation, on the people involved, and on feelings. This is why someone/something can "ruin your mood". No sir. Not for me. Joy is my inheritance. It's not dependent on me it is secured in Christ. No one can rob me of my joy, because no one can rob God. You can delay the glory that YOU give Him, but he ultimately will get all of the glory. Am I always happy? No. Am I always joyful? Yes! because God is.

5. Joy is a choice. It begins with choosing Christ to be your Savior. You see I have had bad days, and those ladies I've chosen to be accountable to know that these days can be rough. But Ive learn that I can choose to reach out for prayer or choose to stay in that place. I can choose to stir myself up & remind myself of the promises of God or mope around with some demons and their lies. The joy that people see in me is a choice that I make in the morning to believe that God has me in the palm of his hands. A choice to believe that the plans that he has for me for that day are plans to prosper me and not too cause me harm. My joy comes from the knowledge that when I am spent and done, God is right there saying tag me in.

To those of you dealing with depression and don't know Christ: I wish I could give you a hug and look you in the face and tell you, you are not alone. I've been there, and we are in this together. God knows, and understands. Seek his face right now. Then reach out to someone. A lone sheep is the focus target of the enemy, but the thing worth shouting for and crying over is that, God is the shepherd that leaves the 99 to find the 1 lost. He's looking for you.

To those dealing with depression as Christians: Keep going, keep believing, keep enduring. God is using this in our lives for a reason. You may not understand the why but trust the WHO. The great I AM goes before you claiming the victory. Release that testimony and put down your shields of "perfect, I got it together". No you don't if you did you wouldn't need Christ. God wants to use this to touch and reach someone. This was what I was convicted about and it's the reason this blog is being written.

To those with loved ones dealing with depression: Stop expecting an explanation, a reason and just be available.  Most importantly pray, pray, pray. Depression makes no sense, and often times those in its clutches don't know how to put into words the vastness of the emptiness. Words are exhausting. Release them of that responsibility of giving you a reason and instead intercede on their behalf. What helped me the most on my journey weren't the people demanding an answer but those who were quietly there expecting nothing. They let me be but made it evident that I could depend on them to help me step out and kept me upright when my knees buckled and my feet faltered. Your presence more than your words will speak louder. 

Beloved Rise,

One of my Beautiful sisters who saw me in that season

 

Stuck on Boaz

My prayer is that you Beloved hear my heart and understand my intention in writing this blog. This blog is NOT a criticism towards the idea of waiting on your "Adam/Boaz". I am a firm believer that if it is the will of God for you to be married/ to have a family it WILL happen. One of the many truths that I stand on is that the word of God will never return void. What he says, IS...but I can't help observing that many of us are STUCK on Boaz or this idea of him (an imperfect human being) rather than glued to CHRIST. I can't help myself noticing the irony of wanting to be presented/handed to God's BEST (man of God chasing after Him) yet refusing to be IN HIS HANDS submitted to His will.

So has this concept/ideal of "Adam/Boaz" taken Gods place in your heart? Is Jesus even enough for you? Are you even prepared for that ministry??...because let's be real marriage is suppose to be an earthly representation of the relationship between Christ and the church. Are you ready to follow and serve? Are you willing to humble yourself and work through things even if your feelings are not in agreement?

Can God even trust you with one of His Sons?

There has been such a push lately of women desiring to be in a Godly marriage. That is so awesome!! So many sisters are now creating Godly standards and learning to stick to them. At the same time we seem to forget that all though we are all Gods PRINCESSES, the men we are praying for are His SONS, a KING-in-training. The men after His heart are purpose, they are giving a mission which is to use the talents/gifts given to them to go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that Jesus has commanded them. Hear me well when I say that all though not every man is going to end up in China, Siberia, Africa or wherever, all of them who confess Jesus as their Lord and Savior will have to become Christ ambassador in their spheres of influence. As women according to the Bible we are met to be a HELPMEET this mission.

Now if we were to actually go and study the Book of Ruth (where the story of Ruth/Boaz is located) you can learn that Ruth was in the process of becoming a true HELPMEET long before Boaz entered the scene. When we start in Chapter 1 we find Naomi and Ruth widows with no where to turn and with no one truly to depend on. Naomie had suffered the loss of both her husband and two sons and was devastated. She now had the responsibility of two daughter-in-laws during a period in time where it was difficult to live without the protection and covering of a man. Naomie knew of the hard times to come and the dangers to come while travelling with two beautiful and basically single women and she gave her two daughter-in-laws a choice.

Go back to what they were familiar with (home, family, potential of getting married again, security) or......come with her to an unknown land and face unforeseen challenges while believing in an unfamiliar God. In that moment Ruth had to make a choice. A. W. Tozer said it best when he said that "The choices of life, not the compulsions, reveal character". In that moment Ruth begin forming the character of faith. By declaring to Naomie that her people and God would now be hers she displayed something that many of us women fail in doing today, which is trusting God to order our steps and lead us in plans that are not met to harm us but are created to give us a new hope.

How can we be asking God to give us the ministry of marriage when we aren't faithful in the place/portion we have now?   Why should he bring us to that area of unknown when we struggle in taking that leap of faith of letting that random go, leaving that job, or even just speaking/forgiving that person. It wasn't easy for Ruth to leave all that she knew but she recognized and seized a truth. You can't remain comfortable on this journey with God. Every men or women who truly walk with God had to leave something behind in order to move forward. 

When I get into my feelings, (usually after watching a ridiculous amount of romantic movies) I imagine what it would be like to meet this guy that I am purposed to share this life with. I wonder if our eyes will meet across a room, or would we bump into each other in a crowded area, will I trip and find myself saved from a teeth breaking close call by his hands on my arms, or would it be slow realization after years of friendship. I realize today that the meeting was not as important as the process, which I will call the Eve Process.

I found it so interesting how the creation of Eve had really no active participation on Adam part. Outside of getting a rib (notice it's not a toe for him to walk on or hair to sit on top of Him) Adam was asleep during the whole thing. God his Father saw that he had a need and went about providing for it. Eve was that answered need.

I can't help but to feel that intimacy during her forming. God was literally forming her, stitching her, molding her into the woman she needed to be. The man had no opinion but God had complete control. Whew. I like to think of that brief time as Eve single season. During that moment she had God undivided attention. She wasn't rushing the process because ultimately she was in the hands of the Creator of Time. Only when she was ready according to His Timing was Adam awoken and presented this beautiful gift, which is what we are after going through the process.

How can we tell God to wake our Adam or present us to our Boaz when we keep running from our process?  Every woman who have been presented to Gods BEST has had an Eve Process, a season of preparation, a season of complete intimacy with The Lord. Ruth season of preparation involved her working the land during the beginning of the barley harvest.

When I read Ruth story I feel in my heart that Boaz field was either not the first field she tended/work or that first meeting was not the first time she was found working on the harvest. I say this because when Boaz acquired about her from the guy in charge of the reapers, he was able to tell him that Ruth was Moabite who traveled with Naomie who has been working from early in the morning until that point with just a short rest. He identified her as a hardworking woman, dedicated, something that you don't always see after just one meeting....But the main point is that Ruth was developing a Godly reputation that was preceding her and speaking for her in her absence. I am pretty sure that Ruth was not the only women in the field, but just like Adam eyes were open only for Eve causing an outpouring of adoration so was Boaz to Ruth. Which brings me to a little love note shared to me by God, what he has for you is for YOU. No one can take it in fact he has said in his word "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined the things that God has prepared for those who trust Him". Beloved trust Him with your heart and love life. Instead of passively waiting, pining for the Boaz/Adam to come learn to enjoy the Eve Process.

How to Enjoy the Eve Process

1. Develop sound doctrine. It's shocking to me how vulnerable we women/singles especially are vulnerable to horrible doctrine/theology. Instead of pinning for an imperfect man lets agree to study THE  Creator of Man. There are way too many books, podcast, resources available out there for us to continue to excuse ignorance. It's not that you don't know, eventually it comes to the truth that you don't want to know.

2. Develop a prayer life/intimate time with God. Nothing beats spending true uninterrupted time with your Creator. There is something so personal in allowing Him to download himself into you. When you develop that it's more difficult to be fooled into allowing something else become your source. Beside in marriage, women we are called to pray, to intercede in the spiritual realm, cover our husbands, family, friends, environments. I don't know about you but I don't want to learn/develop that skill in the midst of an attack when I have more to lose.

3. Develop a Healthy Lifestyle. How can you get busy doing the work of God if you are always sick and tired. Your body is his temple. It's time we start treating it that way. Beloved let's stop believing lies that we can be great in God while living undisciplined and without self control. Being obese, skinny unhealthy is not godly. Point Blank. Learn to cook healthy meals. Good exercise habits.

4. Discover who you are & mature in areas of weakness. Pastor Andy Thompson shared in a sermon 10 questions everyone should about themselves. Below I've listed the questions from Pastor Andy but I truly want to stress the beauty of discovering who you are with are. What's your love language? Forgiveness Language? Stressors? Stress Releasing Habits? Favorite Activities? Pet Peeves? Likes and Dislikes?

• What are your strengths?
• What are your core values?
• What are your weaknesses?
• What do you like? What does your perfect look like? What are your desires?
• How are you viewed? What do people say about you?
• How did you get here?
• What is happening right now?
• Where are you going?
• Who are your friends?
•  Who are your enemies?

      5. Get your financial life in Order, become knowledgeable on marriage. It's mind boggling to me how we desire for this season but we lack in preparing to be successful in it. Did you know that statistically finances, lack of communication of one of the main reasons marriages end up in divorce?  There are so many great books by amazing authors that teach about happy, successful marriage. How to get them and most importantly how to keep them. Cornelius Lindsey: "So you want to be Married, I'm Married, Now What", Andy Thompson: "Handle with Care", and Willard F. Harley, Jr: "His Needs, Her Needs; Building an Affair-Proof Marriage." Bring something worthwhile to the table start working on you, knocking down some credit card/loan debt. Be active! Check out my blog Live Like No One Else: Debt Free Journey

No man can ever complete your life outside of Christ and waiting to live for that moment is truly an insult of that life that Christ died to give you. So all though this blog was written with my sisters in mind this is an encouragement to all SINGLES, get busy doing the work of God, Get lost in discovering His Character. Don't pine away for the reward of a relationship when GOD is all the gift that we could ever hope for.

God isn't expecting perfection, he is however requiring dedication.

Beloved Rise,

"How to Go Deeper"

The Color Method "Adapted from Pastor Manny Arango"

              "There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice"                  -C.S Lewis

During a recent quiet time God firmly spoke to me about something we as a whole put off everyday while claiming to love Jesus with our all, Reading His Word. We all have reasons or excuses to why we don't get into our word, some of them valid but all of them roadblocks to tapping into the BEST source of energy, strength, joy, peace, love, wisdom, and direction. You will make time for what you consider to be important. That's just truth.

For me as silly as it sounds I didn't think there was a difference between reading devotionals and truly studying the word of God for myself. I honestly thought what I was doing was enough. Another reason I stayed away from God's word was it genuinely intimidated me. I didn't know where to start, my fist Bible, being KJV, met that I had no clue what it was saying, and being the perfectionist that I am I figured if I can't do it right and master concepts and points that take a lifetime to learn and study then, I won't do it at all. That made a WHOLE lot of sense. Not.

Now if I am completely honest with you guys and myself for that matter I can say that one of the main reasons why I avoided reading the Bible is so I could "pretend/feign" ignorance in order to continue in whatever sin was most comfortable for me at that time. It's kinda of hard to truly "enjoy" a sin when you have Bible verses popping into your head....(yes, that has happen to me). Eventually I discovered how carnal I really was, how harden my heart truly is towards God and how without God softening it every day through/with his word, I am a HOT MESS. Many Christians are destroyed through lack of knowledge or fall prey to the glitter of this world because of ignorance, I didn't want to be one of them. I refuse to fight the same battles or go around the same mountain because I was too stubborn to change strategy. I wanted to see the impossible happen in my life.

Can I be honest?? The Holy Spirit has this annoying consistent habit of using the word of God to do a number on your heart and mind. As one of my Pinky Promise sisters says it be snitching on you all the time.  I use to believe that the Bible was a relic, a book filled with catchy saings that were only relevant during the old days. Until I recognize that those words are HOLY, and RELEVANT to my life today, in the 20th century, I was incapable of approaching it with reverence which in turns leads to true knowledge and understanding.

So I prayed an honest prayer, 

'Abba I don't desire you and I have absolutely no desire to read your word but I don't want to stay in this place. Help me to want you more and more each day. Help me to seek you above anything in this world. Daddy wreck my hardened and rebellious heart. Holy Spirit, teach me, reveal things to me in a way that I can understand' 

Within a short period of time, Heather Lindsey, a powerful woman of God whose blog I had been following for awhile posted on January 22, 2012, 17 days after I decided to really give my life to Him completely and totally, posted this blog How to Spend Time with God (check it out!) and it simply and radically change my perspective on spending time with God. 

I truly believe that if someone has explained something better than you, instead of plagiarizing and doing a mediocre job at it, give credit where it's due, save the link, and pass it on...which is what I am doing for you...you're welcome =)

Now I had an idea of what spending time with God looked like, and why I got right on amazon and bought for myself the Life Application Study Bible; English Standard Version. All  the while God just started to give me a hunger for his word which led me to take part in a young adults Bible study group, hosted by Pastor Manny Arango who simply blew my mind with his certainty in God's word, and his practicality and completely nerdy approach to studying it. So today I pass on the tips and resources that I have acquired on this brief beginning, praying that it propels you deeper into the most beautiful love story, yours with the most Heavenly Being that has been thinking of you since the beginning of time.

The Color Method

There are many ways to study the important thing is finding the method that works best for you and sticking with it. Here is a link sharing different ways to study the Bible on Whole Magazine 5 Ways to Study Your Bible; Below is step by step of how I study

1. Worship: Creating an atmosphere where you intentionally invite the Holy Spirit is vital! Worship allows you to shift your focus and attention off of you, your problems, and situations back to GOD. Some of my favorite artist Israel Houghton, Centric Worship, Kim Walker Smith.

2. Prayer: Repent of any worldly thoughts, philosophies, and false knowledge of God. Empty yourself, and seek the Holy Spirit as a teacher and guide through His Word. Ask for Wisdom.

3. Choose a Book: Stop reading chapters and verses!! One of the main reasons why we use verses out of context is because we approach studying so wrong. Majority of books of the Bible especially in the New Testament were letters (i.e. Corinthians; letter to the church of Corinth). When a church received a letter from a leader of the faith (Paul, Peter etc..), they would gather together and a scribe will read out loud the whole letter. Train yourself to read books in the Bible in one/two seating. When you first start, begin with the smaller books of the Bible to train your mind. Don't be afraid to research the book (author, location, time period).

4. Read/Hear/Live: The best thing you can do is create the habit of making the word come alive. So make it fun! Listen it read to you aloud, animate it, picture it! For me I use a free website/app (Bible.is) Check it out!

5. Color: Use this color code system to pay attention to details 

• Yellow: Message/ Main Verse, main points pointed out by the Holy Spirit. (Disclaimer: Your whole Bible should not be yellow!!)
• Orange: People
• Green: Places
• Blue: Repeated Words/Phrases
• Purple: "God Speaks" (Powerful occurrence especially in the NT, don't take it lightly)
• Brown: Mention of the Holy Spirit
• Red: Mention of the blood of Jesus/Atonement  

6. Reflect: What does this chapter/book reveal about God's Character? What does it say in proper context?

7. Application: Studying the word of God means nothing if it doesn't become evident and alive in your daily living. Put it into action, list 3 ways that you can actively do this in your life. Create goals.

I know this blog is jam packed with a lot of information that can be overwhelming but take it day by day. But I want to invite you to this Color Me Challenge. Below are the parameters which we will start 9/09/14-9/30/14

- Read/Study a book of the Bible for 21 days using the color code system.

- Every Day post/share one message that you received on your social media

- Invite a friend (Tag me on social media @belovedrise7)

So Excited for the amazing things that will happen!

Beloved Rise,