Winter Blues; Invitation Back to Life

"I hear the rain falling against my window pane. I feel the chill nip of the winter air reach for my toes. One more minute I said, 30 minutes ago to my alarm clock. Just a couple more seconds I thought as my finger hit that snooze button. I just don't really want to participate in today honestly. I don't think I can muster the energy or desire for one more day. I don't think I can fight through this heaviness that just envelopes my mind, body, and spirit. I can't deal. Can't I just close my eyes and stay in bed all day? Can't I just take a raincheck in participating in life? I promise that tomorrow I'll be more able, more present, more driven, more I guess alive. Today I just can't..."

"Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world, Daughter Rise. My strength is made even more evident when you are weak. I am your strength. Rest in me."

Hi. *princess wave* I'm Jenny. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, completely and totally in love with him and I am on a journey in overcoming what the clinical world calls seasonal depression and what I choose to refer as "winter blues". Can I be honest and say I really didn't want to release this blog into the world. I didn't want to disclose a battle that I deal with everyday, I wanted to appear like I had it all together. I realize that I was trying to boast in my own strength, to block a blessing of obedience.

Beloveds more and more I am learning that what attracts people to "inspirational" people is not their perfect pieces but the broken ones that have been transformed by God. Only in transparency can there be true connection, love, and healing... and to just be blunt, there are too many dead people pretending to be alive.  We have too many people pretending to have it together when they are barely making it through. That is pride. So I release this blog believing that in my imperfect way God will perfectly express his LOVE and constant presence to those of you dealing with depression, have relatives suffering from it, or in a place where life just seems to hard to continue...

The beginning of this blog is pretty much my daily struggle from the moment Mid-October hits to basically April-May. Some days are better than most while others feel like hours are too long so I function in minute intervals. See I didn't know I was depressed until my Junior year in college but at that point I had been dealing with depression for 5 years.

If you met me you'd understand why this was hard to believe, I tend to present or embody a "Ray of sunshine, puppies, rainbow, and Reese's" presence. I am an introvert that comes off as an extrovert. A weird breed of human that genuinely loves people but is exhausted by social interaction with them. People see my smile and often time believe that I haven't endured demons...what they don't realize is the brightest smile tends to hide the deepest battles. That smile you see tends to be the tallest barrier, and most iron clad jail.

I didn't realize I was depressed until death seem more fascinating to me than life. I didn't realize how deep in it I was until I looked around my room and saw the mess and immediately felt too tired to function. I didn't realize how wrapped up I was until I noticed that my love affair with my bed mattered more to me than my cleanliness (hygiene), eating, and just daily living activities. Sunlight hurt, I was constantly tired, constantly cold and filled with a dull ache/numbness in my chest that seemed to grow daily. It's hard for people to understand what someone suffering from depression may feel. I was one of them who believed that this person just needs to suck it up and pull themselves up by their bootstrap. I am no expert at depression whatsoever, but from experience I can say that for me depression wasn't because I COULDN'T deal with life problems and issues, I just didn't have the desire to. If I could put into words my state of mind 3 years ago and most likely the general feeling of many individuals dealing with depression I would say:

I wasn't depressed because I was overwhelmed by feelings, life, emotions. I was depressed because of the absence of them....I wanted to feel...I wanted happiness to stay longer but I felt discon.....nected. Like a bystander seeing life without an invitation to join.

That's where I encountered Christ.

He extended an invitation that was so much better than my current situation. He invited me to experience true life! He met me in that dark place and comforted me like no other. Gosh. I wish my words could really capture that moment. The day he met me I hadn't showered for days, I haven't eaten for probably more, I didn't have the words to explain the pit I was in. I wanted help but I didn't know how to ask, I felt so alone, like no one could understand or see me....I was tired Beloveds, so very tired and I remember wishing that I could sleep forever and right then, in my literal funk I heard in my spirit:

"I have never left or forsake you. I am right here Daughter. I understand. I love you, come let me give you the rest, the peace that you desperately want. Let me fill that void" 

I didn't have to explain he already knew. I didn't have to verbalized because he saw my pain and saw the state of my heart. I got up and took a shower, and the drops of water on my flesh felt like a cleansing. I not only was washing the stink off my skin but my very soul. The tears falling off my face in that shower was a dam of release. Jesus loves me, I am not alone. You are not alone either.

Dealing with depression sucks and one of the biggest illusion that people fall for is this idea that they are alone. Another lie that we fall for especially if you are a Christian is this idea I shouldn't be dealing with this anymore. I remember thinking, Am I suppose to feel this way as a Christian? I mean I'm saved and Holy Spirit filled why in the world am I still struggling in this area?? I thought that the moment I came to Christ with my whole heart that I didn't have to deal with things like this anymore? I mean I am a NEW CREATION right??!" Should I take medication? Should I see a counselor? If I do any of the above does that mean I don't believe in the power prayer. 

This is what God has taught on this journey and this is where I stand in regards to all the question above.

1. GOD IS THE ANSWER. I believe in the sovereignty of God and all of his power. I believe in his promises and not once has he promised me that I wouldn't deal with depression anymore. His word says I am victorious, but sometimes we forget that before any victory there is a battlefield, confrontation, struggle. That is the process of overcoming.

2. Depression is a spiritual and physical thing. We are a spirit placed in a body of dirt (Genesis 2:7). This means that the start point is and always will be prayer/faith, it also continues with the physical provision of God. A counselor is a physical provision, someone that God has gifted to walk with you through this journey. For some medication is a provision. In all God has to be the guide, the main point of instruction and leading.

3. You are not LESS of a Christian for dealing with depression. This sounds weird but I honestly believe that I am still overcoming depression because for me it keeps me humble and focus on God. I can't pride myself when I have great days (which is more often than my less) because I know that God is my source, he's the reason behind it, he is my strength, my peace, my refuge. There are some struggles that God will keep you in because in it you discover the depth of Him. (Disclaimer: Notice I said struggles and not sin. God is HOLY no sin that he has clearly called you out of ex: fornication, witchcraft, homosexuality, idolatry, drunkenness etc...he will tell you to remain in (-_-) don't play games).

4. I am not "Happy", I am JOYFUL. There is a huge difference. You see Beloved happiness is circumstantial, it depends on the situation, on the people involved, and on feelings. This is why someone/something can "ruin your mood". No sir. Not for me. Joy is my inheritance. It's not dependent on me it is secured in Christ. No one can rob me of my joy, because no one can rob God. You can delay the glory that YOU give Him, but he ultimately will get all of the glory. Am I always happy? No. Am I always joyful? Yes! because God is.

5. Joy is a choice. It begins with choosing Christ to be your Savior. You see I have had bad days, and those ladies I've chosen to be accountable to know that these days can be rough. But Ive learn that I can choose to reach out for prayer or choose to stay in that place. I can choose to stir myself up & remind myself of the promises of God or mope around with some demons and their lies. The joy that people see in me is a choice that I make in the morning to believe that God has me in the palm of his hands. A choice to believe that the plans that he has for me for that day are plans to prosper me and not too cause me harm. My joy comes from the knowledge that when I am spent and done, God is right there saying tag me in.

To those of you dealing with depression and don't know Christ: I wish I could give you a hug and look you in the face and tell you, you are not alone. I've been there, and we are in this together. God knows, and understands. Seek his face right now. Then reach out to someone. A lone sheep is the focus target of the enemy, but the thing worth shouting for and crying over is that, God is the shepherd that leaves the 99 to find the 1 lost. He's looking for you.

To those dealing with depression as Christians: Keep going, keep believing, keep enduring. God is using this in our lives for a reason. You may not understand the why but trust the WHO. The great I AM goes before you claiming the victory. Release that testimony and put down your shields of "perfect, I got it together". No you don't if you did you wouldn't need Christ. God wants to use this to touch and reach someone. This was what I was convicted about and it's the reason this blog is being written.

To those with loved ones dealing with depression: Stop expecting an explanation, a reason and just be available.  Most importantly pray, pray, pray. Depression makes no sense, and often times those in its clutches don't know how to put into words the vastness of the emptiness. Words are exhausting. Release them of that responsibility of giving you a reason and instead intercede on their behalf. What helped me the most on my journey weren't the people demanding an answer but those who were quietly there expecting nothing. They let me be but made it evident that I could depend on them to help me step out and kept me upright when my knees buckled and my feet faltered. Your presence more than your words will speak louder. 

Beloved Rise,

One of my Beautiful sisters who saw me in that season

 

Hypothetically of Course

 I LOVE songs with a story line!! Which is probably why I tend to gravitate towards genres like jazz, blues, country on some days or towards artist like Lauryn Hill, Jill Scott and India Arie. My love for stories is serious enough that I have listened to all the parts of R. Kelly "Trapped in the Closet" *hangs head* and you guys know there was like 50 of them..lol.. Coming off this tangent I say all this to share something about boundaries from personal experiences, how to set them up, how to keep them, and how to avoid "what if" situations.

I am that person during a movie who screams at the screen towards the characters in warning as if they can hear me. As I watch them deal with "what if" situations and completely lose focus and control on their reality I become so frustrated! I can understand them because I am the ruling Queen in running through hypothetical situations in my head, like "Oh shoot I wish I had said ___(insert witty comment)_____ when he was doing that" or "what if I didn't answer that phone call, than I wouldn't be in this mess that I need to find my way out of" I realize the other day that living in my "what if" world is living in a world where I fail to take responsibility for my actions, while constantly living in the past or future. Instead of growing and maturing I was shifting the blame to anything and anyone else, leaving room for the mistake to occur again.

What are boundaries??

Boundaries is defined by Webster as:

Noun 

- A line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line

- A limit of a subject or a sphere of activity

For me I define boundaries as a guardrail. I see boundaries as a helmet, a mechanism we use to protect our mind, spirit, and body from major injuries just like our helmets back in the day protected our heads when we fell. So many of us see this guardrail as a prison instead of the protection that it is. That is a state of mind that needs to be change before we can even consider setting boundaries.

Ok Jenny.... I understand or can kind of see the point of boundaries but I don't see why I need them in my life....Well to be honest I didn't see the point either until I was consistently finding myself in some hot mess and I didn't have any idea how I got there.

The Why??

I have been celibate for 2 years and 6 months. *Quick shout of joy and excitement* Within that time 75% of it has been unbelievably hard, 20% of the rest consists of a period mark with a mix of denial, frustration, feeling too much all at once on top of a "I'm better than you" righteous that had me tripping and falling, and the last 5% is the I'm getting the hang of it. Thank God for second, third, seventh chances!! 

Anybody who says celibacy is easy is either HIDING or LYING! It's by far one of the hardest thing I've ever done but honestly the BEST active decision of my life. In that time I've come close to breaking it twice and I've taken responsibility for both of those decision because of an amazing "ah hah" revelation that a sister shared with me about relationships. She said, "Men are the gas of a relationship, they will accelerate things, while women are meant to be the breaks", this was simply a lightbulb moment for me.

If you don't have boundaries, the world will give you bondage. You will always find yourself in situations that you weren't ready for. There will always be tests of temptation that you will fail and a wave a guilt and shame that comes after, that eventually will harden your heart after each fall. I had no time to keep failing the same test and I believe your time is previous too!

But I'm strong enough

Ummmm...no your not. I don't mean to bust your bubble but there is a reason why you keep finding yourself in the same situation. It's because you believe yourself strong enough to handle a situation that should have been avoided in the first place. Consider this....the wisest man, a man who dealt with life and death situations, a ruler of nations continuously fell when it came to women and sex. The strongest man, had supernatural strength that defied logic AND nature was eventually destroyed by his lusts, last but not least the holiest man, who was considered to be a friend of God, a fierce warrior who was known in battle was led astray simply with a gaze of a woman taking a bath. So if the wisest man, the strongest, and the holiest both fell in the face of temptation you my friend need to RUN the other way! The flesh is weak, without restraints it will cause your downfall.

Let's get Crackalackin'...The How

1. State the purpose, define what you are going to abstain from (late night convos, sex, pornography, sexual immorality in general)

* Purpose leads to direction which helps in forming motivation

2. Find out your triggers

- What is the environment that has cause you to fall like? Are you more tempted when you hangout with certain people, when you're in certain places?

* Be real honest with yourself: For me I couldn't listen to certain artist anymore such as Ginuwine, Trey Songz, Boyz II Men for awhile or watch shows like Criminal Minds (two words..,Shemar Moore). Even now there are times I have to shut it down because it puts me in that state of mind.

3. STOP being naive!

This was a hard lesson for me to learn because I thought I could play hypothetical games without getting burn, "Hypothetically he can come over while no one is there as long we make out in the living room nothing going to happen" this leads to an epic fail. Having the intention of being good   Isn't enough when you set up an atmosphere for failure. 

4. Write it down 

There is something so powerful in moving a thought in your mind to a written form. When you can see it, read it, it will stick in your mind. Written ideals are building blocks for unshakable principles.

5. Be ACCOUNTABLE!

Not only should these standards be written down but it should be shared with someone who is going to hold you accountable. Someone who will encourage you, remind you, and most importantly pray/speak for and with you when you are weak.

I know it's hard Beloved but it is worth it, avoiding these what if leave room for a healthy reality. Aren't you tired of being played with? Of being confuse? Of feeling guilt? Evaluate yourself and be real. Don't be stuck in an illusion. Below are 7 standards I have for myself I hope this encourages and helps you.

Ruby Standards

1. No Late night conversation with the opposite sex; for me that means no convos after 10:30-11 PM

* There is rarely anything "holy" being talked about during late hours, let's be real

2. No member of the opposite sex outside of immediate family is allowed in my bedroom.

3. No rough housing games with the opposite sex especially where at any point he will be on top and I will be in the bottom.

4. No late night car rides.

5. No hypothetical games or scenarios involving body parts. Speak to me directly.

6. No crude, lewd, sexual jokes because that kind of conversation plants seeds and thoughts.

7. If a male shows you that his intentions are not about helping/maintaining purity, don't compromise, get to stepping.

* If he is not met to be yours, not aligned with your purpose, taking you away from your standards, you are prolonging your destruction NOT helping in his salvation. You are worth more!

Beloved Rise,

Rudolph Light Bulb Moment: "God Speaks"

Have you ever had a light bulb moment while listening to Christmas music?? Well until today that's never happened to me. What I realize as I reflect on this moment is that when you come to a season where you crave to hear from God, he begins to speak to you through the most unexpected and beautiful ways!! Isn't it awesome?! It's like God is intentionally seeking to get your attention by using things that you love like music, nature, literature, movies, childhood memories, anything that has significance to us. This lesson and bit of wisdom has come during a time where I've realized that I have to stop beating myself down because I don't hear God the same way that someone else on this journey hears him. Isn't it silly how we expect a God of such relational intimacy & creativity to interact and communicate with us the same generic way. I thank God that he is BIGGER than my limitations and imagination.

With that said there is one absolute definite way that God speaks and that is through his word, the Holy Bible. The wisdom and knowledge that comes with reading his word can never be attained without first having a healthy dose of fear (reverence) for who HE is (i.e great I AM, the Alpha & Omega, Creator, Savior, Omnipresent, Omniscient God). It still blows my mind that THIS very same God desires a relationship with ME. So much so that he sent The Lord Jesus Christ to die to be a bridge for me to his Holy presence. That degree of Love overwhelms me everyday..... Whew!

                                                                                                                            

As we continue to explore the communication prowess of God we recognize there are several different ways that he has been known to speak to man. I just want to list four that really stands out to me currently....

Ø  Celestial beings, aka angels: One of the best examples of this is Mary & Joseph, the human parents of Jesus Christ. Mary was told about the conception of her son Jesus Christ as an engaged virgin by the angel Gabriel, Luke 1:26-38

Ø  Dreams: The birth and early years of Jesus life was guided and protected by God because he communicated to his father Joseph through dreams, from his escape from Egypt to his return to Nazareth God led Joseph, Matthew 2: 12-21

Ø  Prophecy/Prophets: I truly believe that God had/s anointed everyone to be his mouthpiece but there are notably some that he uses as loud horns to speak to his bull headed people (i.e. Jeremiah, Isaiah, Daniel, and Hosea to name a few).

      v  Side Note: For me one of the prophets that speaks the clearest and loudest is Hosea. Hosea was a young preacher who was told by God to marry/love unconditionally a prostitute, Gomer, who would cheat on him consistently. God uses Hosea obedience & love as a physical representation of how HE continues to pursue, woe, nurture, buy back an unworthy people simply because of LOVE. There is a movie on the Book of Hosea on Netflix if you haven't seen it go check it out.
                                                      
Ø  Inner Voice/Holy Spirit: God WALKED and COMMUNED on this Earth with Man in the Garden of Eden until man fell hard into sin, Jesus was born and LIVED with man until man's pride and disbelief, harden heart led them to KILL the Savior. Praise God that this isn't the end of the story!! When Christ rose again before he left he spoke of a gift that was given to us by God, the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is the remaining part of the Trinity that still walks/lives on this Earth with us. It is the guide, our friend in need, an intercessor, and an advocate. I believe in the Trinity but if I can be honest it's often really hard for me to rationalize and understand the majesty of it all. I have learned to STOP trying to force understanding but rather grow in it. So for me this is how God has been slowly revealing to me this whole thing

v  God: the Great I AM, he is the Creator, author of time, and the essence of my being. Words aren't enough to describe HIM but the few that I use to call him is Abba, Father, Jireh.

v  Jesus Christ: My first love, my Savior, the Son who came to this earth to die in order for me to LIVE. He is amazing!! Falling in Love with him daily is an adventure

v  Holy Spirit: That dear and beyond awesome girlfriend, who gives me advice and direction, the one I contact when dealing with issues as simple as what to wear/what to eat, to intense, confrontational moments when I really want to  tell someone about themself  *ghetto spelling intentional y'all know some people want to make you get out of character*

Now I say ALL of this in order to tell you guys about what God spoke to me about a reindeer

yes.......a reindeer and his name was Rudolph

Cues Music:

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (reindeer)
Had a very shiny nose (like a light bulb)
And if you ever saw it (saw it)
You would even say it glows (like a flashlight)
And all of the other reindeer (reindeer)
Used to laugh and call him names (like Pinocchio)
They never let poor Rudolph (Rudolph)
Join in any reindeer games( like monopoly)

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say, (ho ho ho)
Rudolph with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

Then all the reindeer loved him,(loved him)
And they shouted out with glee, (Yipee)
Rudolph the red-nose Reindeer (reindeer)
You'll go down in history (like George Washington)

I am pretty sure like me you just sang this song, with the music parts included!! Hahaha. Now I just want to share with you 3 points that God spoke to me when I was listening to this childhood Christmas song that correlates to each of the verses above and I sincerely hope that it encourages you and changes forever how you view and listen to God.

1.      When Rudolph was born, he was visibly different. His uniqueness set apart, and caused the other reindeer's that didn't understand to ostracize and ridicule him. His difference cause him to be left out. Then the Lord said to me,

"Beloved, just like Rudolph was born unique and different so are you. When you were being made in the womb, before your mother even knew of you, I LOVED YOU. I was busy stitching you to my perfect image, forming you, placing things in you to be birth at the appropriate time, nothing was a mistake. When you took your first breath into this world, my angels rejoice, and I smiled because I saw you and I knew my creation was good, in all this world there is none like you, YOU are my MASTERPIECE"

Whew! Talk about instant tears. I don't know if you are like me but for a long time I was stuck trying to be somebody else. I really didn't love myself. I didn't like the color of my skin, I didn't like my size, the texture of my hair or the fact that I had an accent (I was born in Haiti =D) and for awhile I was bullied because of all of it. I eventually grew out of those feelings.....and then I accepted Christ as my personal Savior and truly started to live on fire for Him. Persecution is real on these streets especially when you are really living out loud and boldly for him. But be encourage because you are not in bad company, all the apostles minus Judas, the early church members in Acts and our Savior were all persecuted. God has called you to be set apart, to be a holy nation, strange, unique individuals. He has created you to stand apart. I truly understand the desire to fit in but know that a diamond can lose its shine by hiding amongst rocks but never its value. Don't fear standing out, fear instead blending in with the mundane o_0.

2.      During a dark and foggy night when everything seem to be out of their control Rudolph purpose is revealed. There has been moments especially in this season when I have cried out in frustration to God regarding my purpose. He answered me saying

"Don't be so stressed and worried about finding your purpose that you forget to LIVE on purpose. Don't you understand that I am God, I see beyond what you see, and I know beyond your understanding. I have created you for a purpose on purpose, your eyes have yet to see, ears have heard, or your heart have imagined what I have in store for you. But I need you to TRUST me and rely on me beyond your thoughts, feelings, and understanding. Seek me with your all and I will provide for you."

The blessings to come may not be visible in the darkness and persecution that you are dealing with but I encourage you to rejoice in it NOW, because what's coming is better. Your action and behavior in your season of darkness however will influence how brightly your light shine. Guard those gates, live righteously, work with excellence as if unto the Lord, study the word, seek to constantly renew your mind, fellowship with like minded individuals, submit to wise counsel, seek God's presence instead of his presents and observe how the puzzle pieces begin to fit into place. Instead of fretting start praying.

3.      I find it funny how after Rudolph was recognized and promoted the other reindeer's who used to ridicule and ostracize him all began to love them. Now I didn't get an exact message in my spirit from God but I did get this from my sister Heather Lindsey, "Not everyone is qualify to be in every season with you". We must all do an inventory as this year ends, what relationship are we attempting to bring into this new year that God has told us to let go?? Who are you trying to carry into this new season with you that God has asked you to release??

We have to do an inventory and truly reflect on who we are letting speak into our lives and into our future. If you're carrying a past hurt, pain, trauma, or guilt from your past......release it, those things are shackles that will drag you down to where you have been freed from. If you have laid things at the feet of Jesus please leave it there, don't be fooled by the loneliness that you may feel. The past was not that great but the future in His Hands is so much better!

Merry Christmas Beloveds!

Love y'all,