Black Sheep in Me

I've been attempting to write this blog for at least 10+ months and just struggled with the words because in all honesty this is still a weak spot for me. I still struggle with the insecurity of feeling like an outcast even when I am surrounded by a crowd. This is an area that I am still surrendering, a piece of me that is still in the process of mending. It seems like the month of February is my "exposure" month, a month filled with God unearthing deep hidden parts in my heart. Which makes sense because February is the month that not only do I become a year older but in general the world is dealing with their definition of love. What would you do for the sake of love??

You ever find yourself relating to the villain in a story. I mean really understanding why they are the way they are and why they do the things they do because in a real way you see a part of them in you.

Well.......for me the "villain" I most identify with is the first earthly son. Cain.

I am Cain. You might be thinking....ummm I don't get it...What are you trying to say??? I am saying that in a real, undeniable way I understand and can relate to Cain. For those of you who don't know who this Cain is, let me give you a quick catch up in a significant story in the Bible that I  believe we can all relate to in some way, shape or form. Cain is the first man in the Bible to commit murder. He was the firstborn of Adam and Eve, a farmer, and the first black sheep of the family. Cain is the originator of sibling rivalry gone wrong and the first example of what anger and jealousy can do to a man's heart and life, and what people bondage can do to the heart. For your convenience I have added the story into this blog in order to be used as a reference point later

 Now Adam had sexual relations with his wife, Eve, and she became pregnant. When she gave birth to Cain, she said, “With the Lord’s help, I have produced a man!” Later she gave birth to his brother and named him Abel.

When they grew up, Abel became a shepherd, while Cain cultivated the ground.  When it was time for the harvest, Cain presented some of his crops as a gift to the Lord.  Abel also brought a gift—the best of the firstborn lambs from his flock. The Lord accepted Abel and his gift,  but he did not accept Cain and his gift. This made Cain very angry, and he looked dejected.

 “Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected?  You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.”

One day Cain suggested to his brother, “Let’s go out into the fields.” And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother, Abel, and killed him.

 Afterward the Lord asked Cain, “Where is your brother? Where is Abel?”

“I don’t know,” Cain responded. “Am I my brother’s guardian?”

But the Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground!  Now you are cursed and banished from the ground, which has swallowed your brother’s blood. No longer will the ground yield good crops for you, no matter how hard you work! From now on you will be a homeless wanderer on the earth.”

"Is there something wrong with me? Why is it a struggle for me to get the love that you seemed to easily give to others? Why am I Plan B?? Why am I trying so hard to earn your love or approval when it seems impossible for me to get it? I just want you to LOVE me! Is that too much to ask??!" 

To be completely transparent. Yes I am a Christian, yes I know that Jesus LOVES me in a way that no one on this Earth could  ever compare or surpass..but there is still that part in me, that small part that seeks to be loved and approved by a person. For me that person is my mother.

I have mama issues y'all, deep rooted ones that are bring unearthed everyday.....this is not to say that my mother hasn't taken care of me or nurtured me, I am who I am because of her sacrifice & dedication. There are soooo many things I could never repay her for. Nevertheless some of my deepest hurts and scars were inflicted by her. You see real love makes you vulnerable. It leaves you susceptible to be hurt & disappointed. Quickly in this life you discover that humans make horrible gods. We are too fragile, prideful, limited to carry that burden.

Nothing cuts as deep as the feeling of being unwanted by the people who should love you. I have felt like a black sheep. I have fed jealousy in my heart, kept grudges because I felt I had the right to be angry. I have felt like a visitor in my own home and an outcast among my friends. Not necessarily because they intentionally made me feel that way but because we live in a fallen world with imperfect human beings that will cause us pain. The enemy loves those inflicted by the "Black Sheep Syndrome". Matter fact the word says he targets them.

But...just like the enemy goes out of his way to chase down those of us that feel like a black sheep, GOD leaves the 100 to pursue and find that one lost black sheep. When lost you become the focus of his pursuit and overwhelming love. Wow! That wrecks me everytime it sinks in. God isn't confused and bothered by my feelings of loneliness, and anger. He wants to pursue me in the midst of it all. 

What??

Love. What is it?? Clearly it's something  we all want, sing of, fantasize about, desire to the point of craziness but seem to always---fall short to achieving or gaining. We don't understand love because we don't know the author of it, the source of it. We fail to sit down and reflect on why we feel what we feel. We just continue to be a victim to the roller coaster of emotions, moments, and experiences. I've come to realize that a good source of majority of my pain is that I was expecting Perfect love from an imperfect, hurt human being while ignoring the ONLY person that can love me perfectly.  

I have people bondage.

You see it's hard to serve and truly love someone when you are a slave to them. You have to release them from that list of people who wronged you Beloveds. You can't please an unpleasable person....I can't lose my focus on God and miss my blessings and purpose through Him by being bothered by a temporary being. But that is easier said than done. These are the things I'm learning in my journey of being a black sheep.

1. Figure out/study your love language. If you don't understand how you receive love, you will always be confused to why you feel the way you feel. Good The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

2. Draw near to God and he will draw nearer to you. Encounter the source of love. God is closer than your next breath. You are never alone. He is close to those who are broken hearted.

3. Release that grudge list you have in your heart. True love doesn't keep records of wrong. You may have all the right to do so but you will never move past it until you write down that list that you've been keeping tally of in your heart and tear it up.

4. Look at that persons through God eyes. This is HARD Beloved, a true struggle because it forces you to go beyond you. Beyond your hurt, your experiences, your perception of this person lies an undeniable truth. God loves them too. He sees them not as we see them, he sees their heart. The toughest, most harden people used to be the most sensitive people who have been beat up by life. When you grace others and choose to see them with mercy its rewardedby the Father.

5. Open yourself to receive love from God- place people. Fellowship is not an option. You can't do this journey alone, you were never design too.

6. Stop nursing that Cain hate/hurt in your heart. Cain was warned by God about the hate and hurt in his heart before it manifested to murder. Write it down, seek counseling. But don't meditate on it constantly because what a man thinks becomes what he does.

7. Recognize that not everyone is going to love you perfectly, know the difference between season friends/people. Forgiving someone doesn't always mean that they are qualified to be in every season of your life. That's ok. Ask for wisdom/discern means it will be given.

My hearts desire is that one person felt God's beckon back into his embrace.  Feeling like a black sheep is tough Beloved but what a balm to the soul it is to know that the Almighty God cares enough to leave everything to seek and find you.

Be encouraged.

Beloved Rise,

Stuck on Boaz

My prayer is that you Beloved hear my heart and understand my intention in writing this blog. This blog is NOT a criticism towards the idea of waiting on your "Adam/Boaz". I am a firm believer that if it is the will of God for you to be married/ to have a family it WILL happen. One of the many truths that I stand on is that the word of God will never return void. What he says, IS...but I can't help observing that many of us are STUCK on Boaz or this idea of him (an imperfect human being) rather than glued to CHRIST. I can't help myself noticing the irony of wanting to be presented/handed to God's BEST (man of God chasing after Him) yet refusing to be IN HIS HANDS submitted to His will.

So has this concept/ideal of "Adam/Boaz" taken Gods place in your heart? Is Jesus even enough for you? Are you even prepared for that ministry??...because let's be real marriage is suppose to be an earthly representation of the relationship between Christ and the church. Are you ready to follow and serve? Are you willing to humble yourself and work through things even if your feelings are not in agreement?

Can God even trust you with one of His Sons?

There has been such a push lately of women desiring to be in a Godly marriage. That is so awesome!! So many sisters are now creating Godly standards and learning to stick to them. At the same time we seem to forget that all though we are all Gods PRINCESSES, the men we are praying for are His SONS, a KING-in-training. The men after His heart are purpose, they are giving a mission which is to use the talents/gifts given to them to go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that Jesus has commanded them. Hear me well when I say that all though not every man is going to end up in China, Siberia, Africa or wherever, all of them who confess Jesus as their Lord and Savior will have to become Christ ambassador in their spheres of influence. As women according to the Bible we are met to be a HELPMEET this mission.

Now if we were to actually go and study the Book of Ruth (where the story of Ruth/Boaz is located) you can learn that Ruth was in the process of becoming a true HELPMEET long before Boaz entered the scene. When we start in Chapter 1 we find Naomi and Ruth widows with no where to turn and with no one truly to depend on. Naomie had suffered the loss of both her husband and two sons and was devastated. She now had the responsibility of two daughter-in-laws during a period in time where it was difficult to live without the protection and covering of a man. Naomie knew of the hard times to come and the dangers to come while travelling with two beautiful and basically single women and she gave her two daughter-in-laws a choice.

Go back to what they were familiar with (home, family, potential of getting married again, security) or......come with her to an unknown land and face unforeseen challenges while believing in an unfamiliar God. In that moment Ruth had to make a choice. A. W. Tozer said it best when he said that "The choices of life, not the compulsions, reveal character". In that moment Ruth begin forming the character of faith. By declaring to Naomie that her people and God would now be hers she displayed something that many of us women fail in doing today, which is trusting God to order our steps and lead us in plans that are not met to harm us but are created to give us a new hope.

How can we be asking God to give us the ministry of marriage when we aren't faithful in the place/portion we have now?   Why should he bring us to that area of unknown when we struggle in taking that leap of faith of letting that random go, leaving that job, or even just speaking/forgiving that person. It wasn't easy for Ruth to leave all that she knew but she recognized and seized a truth. You can't remain comfortable on this journey with God. Every men or women who truly walk with God had to leave something behind in order to move forward. 

When I get into my feelings, (usually after watching a ridiculous amount of romantic movies) I imagine what it would be like to meet this guy that I am purposed to share this life with. I wonder if our eyes will meet across a room, or would we bump into each other in a crowded area, will I trip and find myself saved from a teeth breaking close call by his hands on my arms, or would it be slow realization after years of friendship. I realize today that the meeting was not as important as the process, which I will call the Eve Process.

I found it so interesting how the creation of Eve had really no active participation on Adam part. Outside of getting a rib (notice it's not a toe for him to walk on or hair to sit on top of Him) Adam was asleep during the whole thing. God his Father saw that he had a need and went about providing for it. Eve was that answered need.

I can't help but to feel that intimacy during her forming. God was literally forming her, stitching her, molding her into the woman she needed to be. The man had no opinion but God had complete control. Whew. I like to think of that brief time as Eve single season. During that moment she had God undivided attention. She wasn't rushing the process because ultimately she was in the hands of the Creator of Time. Only when she was ready according to His Timing was Adam awoken and presented this beautiful gift, which is what we are after going through the process.

How can we tell God to wake our Adam or present us to our Boaz when we keep running from our process?  Every woman who have been presented to Gods BEST has had an Eve Process, a season of preparation, a season of complete intimacy with The Lord. Ruth season of preparation involved her working the land during the beginning of the barley harvest.

When I read Ruth story I feel in my heart that Boaz field was either not the first field she tended/work or that first meeting was not the first time she was found working on the harvest. I say this because when Boaz acquired about her from the guy in charge of the reapers, he was able to tell him that Ruth was Moabite who traveled with Naomie who has been working from early in the morning until that point with just a short rest. He identified her as a hardworking woman, dedicated, something that you don't always see after just one meeting....But the main point is that Ruth was developing a Godly reputation that was preceding her and speaking for her in her absence. I am pretty sure that Ruth was not the only women in the field, but just like Adam eyes were open only for Eve causing an outpouring of adoration so was Boaz to Ruth. Which brings me to a little love note shared to me by God, what he has for you is for YOU. No one can take it in fact he has said in his word "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined the things that God has prepared for those who trust Him". Beloved trust Him with your heart and love life. Instead of passively waiting, pining for the Boaz/Adam to come learn to enjoy the Eve Process.

How to Enjoy the Eve Process

1. Develop sound doctrine. It's shocking to me how vulnerable we women/singles especially are vulnerable to horrible doctrine/theology. Instead of pinning for an imperfect man lets agree to study THE  Creator of Man. There are way too many books, podcast, resources available out there for us to continue to excuse ignorance. It's not that you don't know, eventually it comes to the truth that you don't want to know.

2. Develop a prayer life/intimate time with God. Nothing beats spending true uninterrupted time with your Creator. There is something so personal in allowing Him to download himself into you. When you develop that it's more difficult to be fooled into allowing something else become your source. Beside in marriage, women we are called to pray, to intercede in the spiritual realm, cover our husbands, family, friends, environments. I don't know about you but I don't want to learn/develop that skill in the midst of an attack when I have more to lose.

3. Develop a Healthy Lifestyle. How can you get busy doing the work of God if you are always sick and tired. Your body is his temple. It's time we start treating it that way. Beloved let's stop believing lies that we can be great in God while living undisciplined and without self control. Being obese, skinny unhealthy is not godly. Point Blank. Learn to cook healthy meals. Good exercise habits.

4. Discover who you are & mature in areas of weakness. Pastor Andy Thompson shared in a sermon 10 questions everyone should about themselves. Below I've listed the questions from Pastor Andy but I truly want to stress the beauty of discovering who you are with are. What's your love language? Forgiveness Language? Stressors? Stress Releasing Habits? Favorite Activities? Pet Peeves? Likes and Dislikes?

• What are your strengths?
• What are your core values?
• What are your weaknesses?
• What do you like? What does your perfect look like? What are your desires?
• How are you viewed? What do people say about you?
• How did you get here?
• What is happening right now?
• Where are you going?
• Who are your friends?
•  Who are your enemies?

      5. Get your financial life in Order, become knowledgeable on marriage. It's mind boggling to me how we desire for this season but we lack in preparing to be successful in it. Did you know that statistically finances, lack of communication of one of the main reasons marriages end up in divorce?  There are so many great books by amazing authors that teach about happy, successful marriage. How to get them and most importantly how to keep them. Cornelius Lindsey: "So you want to be Married, I'm Married, Now What", Andy Thompson: "Handle with Care", and Willard F. Harley, Jr: "His Needs, Her Needs; Building an Affair-Proof Marriage." Bring something worthwhile to the table start working on you, knocking down some credit card/loan debt. Be active! Check out my blog Live Like No One Else: Debt Free Journey

No man can ever complete your life outside of Christ and waiting to live for that moment is truly an insult of that life that Christ died to give you. So all though this blog was written with my sisters in mind this is an encouragement to all SINGLES, get busy doing the work of God, Get lost in discovering His Character. Don't pine away for the reward of a relationship when GOD is all the gift that we could ever hope for.

God isn't expecting perfection, he is however requiring dedication.

Beloved Rise,

"How to Go Deeper"

The Color Method "Adapted from Pastor Manny Arango"

              "There would be no sense in saying you trusted Jesus if you would not take his advice"                  -C.S Lewis

During a recent quiet time God firmly spoke to me about something we as a whole put off everyday while claiming to love Jesus with our all, Reading His Word. We all have reasons or excuses to why we don't get into our word, some of them valid but all of them roadblocks to tapping into the BEST source of energy, strength, joy, peace, love, wisdom, and direction. You will make time for what you consider to be important. That's just truth.

For me as silly as it sounds I didn't think there was a difference between reading devotionals and truly studying the word of God for myself. I honestly thought what I was doing was enough. Another reason I stayed away from God's word was it genuinely intimidated me. I didn't know where to start, my fist Bible, being KJV, met that I had no clue what it was saying, and being the perfectionist that I am I figured if I can't do it right and master concepts and points that take a lifetime to learn and study then, I won't do it at all. That made a WHOLE lot of sense. Not.

Now if I am completely honest with you guys and myself for that matter I can say that one of the main reasons why I avoided reading the Bible is so I could "pretend/feign" ignorance in order to continue in whatever sin was most comfortable for me at that time. It's kinda of hard to truly "enjoy" a sin when you have Bible verses popping into your head....(yes, that has happen to me). Eventually I discovered how carnal I really was, how harden my heart truly is towards God and how without God softening it every day through/with his word, I am a HOT MESS. Many Christians are destroyed through lack of knowledge or fall prey to the glitter of this world because of ignorance, I didn't want to be one of them. I refuse to fight the same battles or go around the same mountain because I was too stubborn to change strategy. I wanted to see the impossible happen in my life.

Can I be honest?? The Holy Spirit has this annoying consistent habit of using the word of God to do a number on your heart and mind. As one of my Pinky Promise sisters says it be snitching on you all the time.  I use to believe that the Bible was a relic, a book filled with catchy saings that were only relevant during the old days. Until I recognize that those words are HOLY, and RELEVANT to my life today, in the 20th century, I was incapable of approaching it with reverence which in turns leads to true knowledge and understanding.

So I prayed an honest prayer, 

'Abba I don't desire you and I have absolutely no desire to read your word but I don't want to stay in this place. Help me to want you more and more each day. Help me to seek you above anything in this world. Daddy wreck my hardened and rebellious heart. Holy Spirit, teach me, reveal things to me in a way that I can understand' 

Within a short period of time, Heather Lindsey, a powerful woman of God whose blog I had been following for awhile posted on January 22, 2012, 17 days after I decided to really give my life to Him completely and totally, posted this blog How to Spend Time with God (check it out!) and it simply and radically change my perspective on spending time with God. 

I truly believe that if someone has explained something better than you, instead of plagiarizing and doing a mediocre job at it, give credit where it's due, save the link, and pass it on...which is what I am doing for you...you're welcome =)

Now I had an idea of what spending time with God looked like, and why I got right on amazon and bought for myself the Life Application Study Bible; English Standard Version. All  the while God just started to give me a hunger for his word which led me to take part in a young adults Bible study group, hosted by Pastor Manny Arango who simply blew my mind with his certainty in God's word, and his practicality and completely nerdy approach to studying it. So today I pass on the tips and resources that I have acquired on this brief beginning, praying that it propels you deeper into the most beautiful love story, yours with the most Heavenly Being that has been thinking of you since the beginning of time.

The Color Method

There are many ways to study the important thing is finding the method that works best for you and sticking with it. Here is a link sharing different ways to study the Bible on Whole Magazine 5 Ways to Study Your Bible; Below is step by step of how I study

1. Worship: Creating an atmosphere where you intentionally invite the Holy Spirit is vital! Worship allows you to shift your focus and attention off of you, your problems, and situations back to GOD. Some of my favorite artist Israel Houghton, Centric Worship, Kim Walker Smith.

2. Prayer: Repent of any worldly thoughts, philosophies, and false knowledge of God. Empty yourself, and seek the Holy Spirit as a teacher and guide through His Word. Ask for Wisdom.

3. Choose a Book: Stop reading chapters and verses!! One of the main reasons why we use verses out of context is because we approach studying so wrong. Majority of books of the Bible especially in the New Testament were letters (i.e. Corinthians; letter to the church of Corinth). When a church received a letter from a leader of the faith (Paul, Peter etc..), they would gather together and a scribe will read out loud the whole letter. Train yourself to read books in the Bible in one/two seating. When you first start, begin with the smaller books of the Bible to train your mind. Don't be afraid to research the book (author, location, time period).

4. Read/Hear/Live: The best thing you can do is create the habit of making the word come alive. So make it fun! Listen it read to you aloud, animate it, picture it! For me I use a free website/app (Bible.is) Check it out!

5. Color: Use this color code system to pay attention to details 

• Yellow: Message/ Main Verse, main points pointed out by the Holy Spirit. (Disclaimer: Your whole Bible should not be yellow!!)
• Orange: People
• Green: Places
• Blue: Repeated Words/Phrases
• Purple: "God Speaks" (Powerful occurrence especially in the NT, don't take it lightly)
• Brown: Mention of the Holy Spirit
• Red: Mention of the blood of Jesus/Atonement  

6. Reflect: What does this chapter/book reveal about God's Character? What does it say in proper context?

7. Application: Studying the word of God means nothing if it doesn't become evident and alive in your daily living. Put it into action, list 3 ways that you can actively do this in your life. Create goals.

I know this blog is jam packed with a lot of information that can be overwhelming but take it day by day. But I want to invite you to this Color Me Challenge. Below are the parameters which we will start 9/09/14-9/30/14

- Read/Study a book of the Bible for 21 days using the color code system.

- Every Day post/share one message that you received on your social media

- Invite a friend (Tag me on social media @belovedrise7)

So Excited for the amazing things that will happen!

Beloved Rise,

Don't Leave me Here

"Poem by: Joseph Solomon from @chasegodtv"

To say I can completely relate to this poem would be an understatement. To act as if doubt hasn't been that unwanted friend that I willingly entertained for so long would be a lie. At one point in my life it was my constant companion, weighing in on every decision I made, creating landscapes from my fear and uncertainty. Daily I have to choose to leave the comforts of doubt to follow the unexplored, certainty of faith in Christ. It's HARD y'all. I am not going to sit here and pretend I have figured out faith and what it means to live by faith through faith without a shadow of a doubt but I want to share and be real about the journey. God is faithful, the most patient, loving and constant force in my life. 

At one point in my life; I would say a good portion of my college career, I was Agnostic.

noun

1. a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena; a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God.

synonyms: skeptic, doubter, cynic

I didn't flat out disbelieve God existed, I just doubted his sovereignty. I doubted if he was ENOUGH. I loved and still to this day enjoy studying religions, I also enjoy philosophy, sociology, the wrestling of the mind that it took when it came to studying ethics. Every religion had a semblance of truth and point blank I wasn't ready to pledge complete allegiance to the one true God, because 

1. I really didn't know what that looked like

2. God didn't make sense to my human intellect (that sounds really duhhh...but for me I had to get over a sense of pride, and myself in general)

3. I was afraid of what it meant to truly LIVE this thing out (i.e, what I had to give up, people's opinion, backlash from society)  

God didn't make sense to me. Living by faith wasn't tangible to me. I needed proof. I was sold out on the philosophy that everything I needed to get through this life existed from within, you've probably heard statement like "Look within, you have everything you need to succeed, search for  your dharma etc..." We think all of this is a new age philosophy but I now believe that it is the oldest. Isn't it interesting how in our world it's silly to think of a car sustaining itself without gas, or a tree without the sun/water, or even an animal without a food/energy source YET we believe that human beings is capable of sustaining itself through life while using everything else on Earth (outside themselves) in order to form a life.

All of creation proclaims of the existence of a CREATOR, but the most complex, unique, unexplainable creation of them all, us, constantly and consistently deny the ultimate goodness, existence, and sovereignty of Him. That was the mistake/belief that cause man to fall. That was the opening scene to doubt.

                                                                So what is doubt?? 

Doubt is defined by Webster as:

verb 

1. To lack confidence in; distrust; to be uncertain

2. Uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making; uncertainty, hesitation, to waver, lack of conviction

Archaic: to suspect, fear  

Etymology which is the study of the origin of words and the way in which their meaning have changed throughout history reveals that doubt originate from the Latin word "dubitare'  meaning to question, to waver in opinion, (related to dubius) which originally meant "to have to choose between two things"

Opening Scene of Doubt: The Fall of Man 

Gen 2: 15-17 God's Command

Gen 3: 1-7 satan Interpretation

  

From these few passage two main things stood out to me that genuinely blew my mind.

1. What God said: "You may surely eat of every tree of the garden but...."

      - When God speaks it is affirming, positive (may surely), there is a sense/feeling of abundance that is                balance with instruction and warning of consequences.

2. What the enemy says to deceive: "Did God actually say, you shall not eat of any tree in the garden?..."

      - Creates a feeling of lack/deprivation, as if you are missing out on something.

      - A subtle twist of truth (every vs. any)

In a moment fear entered Eve heart, in a second doubt invaded the walls of her mind. Eve wavered; she questioned the goodness, power, omniscience of God. She entertained the idea that apart from Him, she could sustain herself. 

She lost focus and faith on the Goodness of God which led her to fall prey to the lies of the enemy.

Message in the Mess 

1. The enemy will always work  on our insecurities really trying to exacerbate or make them more important than they really are, instilling fear or a feeling of lack.

     - There is NOTHING better outside the will of God  1 Cor 2:9

2. Doubt begins with a little that makes us question God's sovereignty, goodness, and authority/will in regards to our life.

   - Learn to identify those little lies/negative thoughts and confront them with the truth of God. 2 Cor 10: 4-5 

3. Don't make a decision off of fear (High Emotions)

4. Don't focus on your lacks, focus on the affirmation/instruction of God.

      - God is not a dictator, and he's not trying to keep you from more. He is protecting you from destruction,          usually self-inflicted.

You will never be left in the valley of doubt, but eventually you have to look up to the Light. I know this is one of my heavier blogs, but it is my heartfelt prayer to reach to that one person who was like me, not sold on loving Christ for real for whatever reason but feeling the tug to explore a little deeper. Explore for yourself Beloved he will encounter you and that moment will forever change you.

Beloved Rise,

(Pics of my most recent leap of faith)

Honeymoon High

I catch myself lately daydreaming about my wedding day. Imagining how I would feel surrounded by my girlfriends on the day, laughing and giggling in happiness, picturing that moment when they help me in my dress. I even go as far as visualizing the walk down the aisle, the feeling of butterflies taking flight in my heart and spirit as I look at my groom waiting for me. Whew

The part that usually has me shaking back to reality in order to stop myself from awakening things that don't need to be awaken (Let's be real #CelibacyStruggle) is the HONEYMOON. The moment I start thinking of the nervousness anticipation of that night I realize that my thoughts are going too far and I have to reel it back in. When I seize control of those thoughts I had a "Light-Bulb" moment when I realize I have visualized more about the wedding and honeymoon, then the actual MARRIAGE.

Then God drop on my Spirit.

"I've lost many brides lost in a honeymoon high not ready to give our marriage the work and effort it needs to survive" 

Wow. Did I get lost in a Honeymoon High? Have I lost the desire to put in work for my marriage with Christ in my quest to feel like I did when I first encountered Him. It simply amazes me when God speaks to me something so profound in such a simple and imaginative way. He is so aware of how to communicate to us in a way that we can understand if we choose to listen. So what is a Honeymoon High? I guess the best way to visualize it spiritually is to break down the idea naturally. All though I have never been married it's not too difficult for me to picture what a honeymoon might feel like.

The Honeymoon 

1. Very intimate

- You are becoming aware of someone else in every way. Its the act of of becoming ONE

2. Outside the realm of reality

- Everything appears to be perfect, very picturesque, nothing is wrong

3. Bubble-Protected 

- In a sense you feel as if it's us against the world.

4. Filled with Highs and non-existent Lows

- From the emotions, passion, desire there seems to be a cascading waterfalls of feelings

When we encounter Christ we fall into a honeymoon high. It is LOVE. For me I felt like I experience and saw God in everything. From the sunrise, through rainfall, in the way the wind blew across my face, in music, movies I felt like everything just spoke of God's love for me. That encounter is intimate, it's usually when we first feel the most vulnerable and exposed, very much like a honeymoon night for a couple who is experiencing each other for the very first time. 

After that encounter I was in a fantasy world where nothing could go wrong. I had yet to go through any trials, tribulation, or temptations that gave me roots in Christ but you honestly couldn't tell me anything. I had yet to hear the word "no" from God or "not yet". I had no idea that I would go through some things that would shake me and cause me to wonder, "Gosh God is this really worth it?" My world with Christ was very much a bubble, I spent hours reading my word alone in my room, I didn't want to deal with people because for the most part human beings got on my nerves *can I just be real*  and at this stage I didn't need anyone but God on my island. 

All though I wouldn't trade that time for anything in this world, I realize looking back now that it was very emotionally led. I believe God was with me because I felt him. Let me be clear in saying; I do believe that having a HONEYMOON season in Christ is part of the process of growing in Christ. The problem comes up when you are shock, surprise, upset when the honeymoon ends and the marriage begins. 

So many of us are shock when hard times begin to show up in our relationship with Christ. When friends who used to be there fall away, when people start to complain and talk about how different you now are, when family just don't understand your relationship, or when you have to let go or sacrifice things/people who are pulling us away from Christ. We are unprepared for the daily death of our flesh in a world that tells us "if it doesn't make us feel happy let it go". So many of us now are spiritually separated or divorce from Christ because we weren't ready to commit to our marriage. We have so many leaving the protection of true love in search of something that feels good but is destroying us in the process.

A good marriage takes work. Point Blank. The Bible says that we are the Bride of Christ, which means we are married to him. I just started to understand this concept and I realize that a lot of things I do in my spiritual marriage with Christ I wouldn't in my right mind want to do in an earthly marriage.

"Imagine waking up next to your husband, you feel his presence and he gently reaches out to you but you quickly move away to brush your teeth, wash your face grabbing your phone in the process. Slowly but surely emails and calls from work & other people start popping up and you rush past your husband in an attempt to get dress. Failing to see his desire to embrace you, never realizing you have yet to say good morning. In your hurry you decide to skip breakfast and shout over your shoulder a quick "I love you" as you get in the car. When he tries to talk to you about the lack of time you guys spend together, you get defensive. When he attempts to participate in activities with you, you see Him as overbearing. Slowly but surely you pull away until another man starts to grab your attention. He makes you feel inhibited, fun, daring and you confide in him instead of your husband........

Eventually if this continues a strain on the marriage will occur. Eventually a separation will happen where your heart becomes lost in the world. If you don't feel close the honest truth is it's your feelings and not the truth. Feelings are deceiving and flimsy. If you are not feeling your relationship with Christ right now realize that your feelings will continue as long as you allow it. He hasn't moved away from this relationship, you have. He love you sooooo sooo much and wants to work it out with you. 

Don't be so lost in the honeymoon high that you fail to allow God to show you how awesome and so much sweeter a lifetime love that has endured a few tests and trials is. Fight for this relationship, guard those gates, treat it as the marriage that it is, talk to him, pass those tests, and tell those feelings to bow down.  If you haven't encountered Christ, check out my first blog  . 

He is the best LOVE story I've ever experience Beloved, Whisper to a Lonely Heart. Love y'all

Beloved Rise,

   (One of my beautiful PP Sisters and I at Jonathan McReynolds concert)

Hypothetically of Course

 I LOVE songs with a story line!! Which is probably why I tend to gravitate towards genres like jazz, blues, country on some days or towards artist like Lauryn Hill, Jill Scott and India Arie. My love for stories is serious enough that I have listened to all the parts of R. Kelly "Trapped in the Closet" *hangs head* and you guys know there was like 50 of them..lol.. Coming off this tangent I say all this to share something about boundaries from personal experiences, how to set them up, how to keep them, and how to avoid "what if" situations.

I am that person during a movie who screams at the screen towards the characters in warning as if they can hear me. As I watch them deal with "what if" situations and completely lose focus and control on their reality I become so frustrated! I can understand them because I am the ruling Queen in running through hypothetical situations in my head, like "Oh shoot I wish I had said ___(insert witty comment)_____ when he was doing that" or "what if I didn't answer that phone call, than I wouldn't be in this mess that I need to find my way out of" I realize the other day that living in my "what if" world is living in a world where I fail to take responsibility for my actions, while constantly living in the past or future. Instead of growing and maturing I was shifting the blame to anything and anyone else, leaving room for the mistake to occur again.

What are boundaries??

Boundaries is defined by Webster as:

Noun 

- A line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line

- A limit of a subject or a sphere of activity

For me I define boundaries as a guardrail. I see boundaries as a helmet, a mechanism we use to protect our mind, spirit, and body from major injuries just like our helmets back in the day protected our heads when we fell. So many of us see this guardrail as a prison instead of the protection that it is. That is a state of mind that needs to be change before we can even consider setting boundaries.

Ok Jenny.... I understand or can kind of see the point of boundaries but I don't see why I need them in my life....Well to be honest I didn't see the point either until I was consistently finding myself in some hot mess and I didn't have any idea how I got there.

The Why??

I have been celibate for 2 years and 6 months. *Quick shout of joy and excitement* Within that time 75% of it has been unbelievably hard, 20% of the rest consists of a period mark with a mix of denial, frustration, feeling too much all at once on top of a "I'm better than you" righteous that had me tripping and falling, and the last 5% is the I'm getting the hang of it. Thank God for second, third, seventh chances!! 

Anybody who says celibacy is easy is either HIDING or LYING! It's by far one of the hardest thing I've ever done but honestly the BEST active decision of my life. In that time I've come close to breaking it twice and I've taken responsibility for both of those decision because of an amazing "ah hah" revelation that a sister shared with me about relationships. She said, "Men are the gas of a relationship, they will accelerate things, while women are meant to be the breaks", this was simply a lightbulb moment for me.

If you don't have boundaries, the world will give you bondage. You will always find yourself in situations that you weren't ready for. There will always be tests of temptation that you will fail and a wave a guilt and shame that comes after, that eventually will harden your heart after each fall. I had no time to keep failing the same test and I believe your time is previous too!

But I'm strong enough

Ummmm...no your not. I don't mean to bust your bubble but there is a reason why you keep finding yourself in the same situation. It's because you believe yourself strong enough to handle a situation that should have been avoided in the first place. Consider this....the wisest man, a man who dealt with life and death situations, a ruler of nations continuously fell when it came to women and sex. The strongest man, had supernatural strength that defied logic AND nature was eventually destroyed by his lusts, last but not least the holiest man, who was considered to be a friend of God, a fierce warrior who was known in battle was led astray simply with a gaze of a woman taking a bath. So if the wisest man, the strongest, and the holiest both fell in the face of temptation you my friend need to RUN the other way! The flesh is weak, without restraints it will cause your downfall.

Let's get Crackalackin'...The How

1. State the purpose, define what you are going to abstain from (late night convos, sex, pornography, sexual immorality in general)

* Purpose leads to direction which helps in forming motivation

2. Find out your triggers

- What is the environment that has cause you to fall like? Are you more tempted when you hangout with certain people, when you're in certain places?

* Be real honest with yourself: For me I couldn't listen to certain artist anymore such as Ginuwine, Trey Songz, Boyz II Men for awhile or watch shows like Criminal Minds (two words..,Shemar Moore). Even now there are times I have to shut it down because it puts me in that state of mind.

3. STOP being naive!

This was a hard lesson for me to learn because I thought I could play hypothetical games without getting burn, "Hypothetically he can come over while no one is there as long we make out in the living room nothing going to happen" this leads to an epic fail. Having the intention of being good   Isn't enough when you set up an atmosphere for failure. 

4. Write it down 

There is something so powerful in moving a thought in your mind to a written form. When you can see it, read it, it will stick in your mind. Written ideals are building blocks for unshakable principles.

5. Be ACCOUNTABLE!

Not only should these standards be written down but it should be shared with someone who is going to hold you accountable. Someone who will encourage you, remind you, and most importantly pray/speak for and with you when you are weak.

I know it's hard Beloved but it is worth it, avoiding these what if leave room for a healthy reality. Aren't you tired of being played with? Of being confuse? Of feeling guilt? Evaluate yourself and be real. Don't be stuck in an illusion. Below are 7 standards I have for myself I hope this encourages and helps you.

Ruby Standards

1. No Late night conversation with the opposite sex; for me that means no convos after 10:30-11 PM

* There is rarely anything "holy" being talked about during late hours, let's be real

2. No member of the opposite sex outside of immediate family is allowed in my bedroom.

3. No rough housing games with the opposite sex especially where at any point he will be on top and I will be in the bottom.

4. No late night car rides.

5. No hypothetical games or scenarios involving body parts. Speak to me directly.

6. No crude, lewd, sexual jokes because that kind of conversation plants seeds and thoughts.

7. If a male shows you that his intentions are not about helping/maintaining purity, don't compromise, get to stepping.

* If he is not met to be yours, not aligned with your purpose, taking you away from your standards, you are prolonging your destruction NOT helping in his salvation. You are worth more!

Beloved Rise,

"Help I've Fallen and Can't Get Up"

Pregnancy. A powerful time where the intimacy, energy of two people meet and spark life. In one moment planned or not, life begins, an essence begins its journey to being a complete independent being. Cells gather and unite and become tissues, tissues into organs, organs into a system, slowly, consistently pieces stitch together to create a being not like any other in this world. A unique masterpiece, woven together by the Creator. Isn't it amazing?? Simply awe-aspiring to think of how we all came to be from something as small as a peanut. For me pregnancy is one of the most beautiful testimonies of God's power and love for us. Not one of us is the same genetically, we are all made different and special. What love!!

Birth. I would say that it's our first, real traumatic experience in life and our first deep covenant. I think that it's a gift from God that we don't remember that journey, but those moments I believe from labor to delivery are prophetic. When a woman's body is prepared to bring forth life, typically her water breaks. She recognizes the beginning stages when pain starts and all waters break loose (pun intended---=D). As many books as she may have read, nothing can really prepare her for this, nothing can prepare you for that moment when your life changes. Pain---consistent, increasing, piercing, yet purposeful occurs because from it a beautiful being is going to come to be so you endure, and push through (Literally....)

Then after one exhaustive push, there is a release, a quiet stillness, and then..... a cry. In that moment, through blood, a covenant is made. If you have had the blessing of being born to a loving mother/parents, Praise God!! You formed a covenant with someone who has made it their life mission to protect, care, nurture, and love you. No matter the argument, problem, situation remember that. If you are adopted that covenant still stands but that day you were not only borne from a woman's body but a mother's prayer. That is a gift. If you lost your mother, I am so so sorry for your loss, but I want to let you know that you were never left alone. God had charge angels to be with you every step of the way, but most importantly HE never left or forsake you. Through it all He was always there.

Let's fast forward a couple of months. This baby who was once an essence, formed by God in its mother's womb is active, curious, confident in its parent's love, and daring in their exploration of the world. After experimenting with rolling over, bouncing in place, crawling at the speed of light, he feels the urge to stand. Slowly, tentatively he reaches for support and grabs hold of one of the steadiest thing that he can place his hands on and pulls himself up. After a couple try of this standing up adventure, he gets bold enough to let go and very quickly plops back down on the surface. As weeks and months go by so does the length of unassisted stands.

One day there comes the courage and desire to take a couple of steps. After the tentative first one, to the absolute glee of your doting parents, there is a second and third and maybe even a fourth and then all of a sudden you lose your balance and fall HARD. That fall was a surprise and it hurt. You cry and scream, begging to be comforted by a loving hand. You reach out to someone and quickly you are brought close and comforted and reassured that everything will be all right.

After being comforted you remember the feeling of standing on your own. All though it hurt the first couple of times, you keep getting up and trying again, and again, and again, until FINALLY!!! you have a consistent walk.

This is for me a beautiful illustration of our Christian walk with our Heavenly Father.

From the beginning God knew YOU. The Bible says in Psalm 139:13-16 "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Isn't that beautiful and so moving to know that before you took your first breath of life on this Earth, before your mother or father knew of your very existence, GOD LOVED YOU. Not only that he was planning a life for you, a beautiful one and you had to do nothing to earn it. You've probably heard of the verse, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not evil, to give you a future and a hope".

v  So no matter what season you are in, single, waiting for a specific prayer consider that you are being prepared, molded, knitted together. Be encouraged, allow God to not only wreck your heart but mend it as well. Be still let God BE God. Surrender.

 When you came to the Kingdom, all of Heaven rejoiced. Angels danced and sang. Our Heavenly Father smiled and said welcome home. For me that moment was almost two years ago!! I thought FINALLY!! I have arrived, my eyes are now open then.........reality hit and I realized that figuratively my water was finally broken, the hard work, struggle, crying, screaming, and pushing aspect had began. The Bible says in Romans 5: 2-4 "Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" I don't know where I got the illusion that walking with God was going to be easy because in all honesty it's not. It hurts to die to your flesh daily, your pride has to be swallowed plenty of times, your will surrendered, your trust, patience, strength tested, and your fears overcome. Not only that, if I can just be real it's lonely standing apart from a culture that glorifies everything that God HATES, i.e murder, sexual immorality, gossiping, idolatry, hypocrisy and on and on it goes. Yet walking this journey is so worthwhile, the yolk is easy to bear because he first carried it.

v  If you have an illusion that this walk should be easy...please drop that like it's a handful of ravenous snakes. This walk should challenge you. A large part of this walk is the fact that God will test you, strip you, in order to mold you. He wants you to produce fruits. So don't run from being tested, embrace it, seek God's face about everything, spend quality time with him, and when the tests, pain, suffering come recognize it for what it is. A test and then PASS. You won't know the material, if you don't spend time studying the word or listening to the teacher.

As a parent you expect your child to hit certain milestones after they are born. If they don't you worry and quickly seek out the expertise of a specialist. It's the SAME THING with God, only difference is he is the expert =D. There is an expectation that as you walk with God there is a maturity that happens, growth that happens. The word says in 1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways." Honestly there is a point where we need to grow up in our walk with God, we shouldn't be in the same place, dealing with the same temptation months after months. In order to do so our mind has to be transformed.

v  Guarding those gates is now your mission. You can't really grow and mature in your faith and in your walk if you are letting anyone and anything plant seeds in your heart. Study the Word of God, when you come to the Father our minds, history, past is not all of sudden wiped away. Our guilt from it does, but our mind has to undergo changes. So refrain from watching, reading, or listening to anything that isn't pleasing to God or beneficial for your growth (i.e. shows, music, sex/romance novels), especially during the beginning stages. Just like a child/toddler what you see, hear, and watch is what you'll repeat and live.

Finally as we begin to explore who we are in God and start doing visible things that label us as "good Christians" we can have moments of pride. Let me just remind you and myself quickly that without Jesus we are nothing and could do nothing of merit. It sounds a bit harsh but it's the truth, Titus 3:5 "He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit" for in truth "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," Romans 3:23. No one can boast of their own righteousness because it, salvation, grace, and mercy are all gifts from God.

v  So humble yourselves before you wreck yourself. Never get into the mindset that you are living this thing out of your own strength or ability.

If you have fallen, please reach out to God. Let him comfort you, clean you off. Repent as for forgiveness, turn towards him instead of hiding. Because just like a parent of a fallen child, God does not love you any less because you fell. He is right there waiting for you. Don't hide and continue to backslide. Seek his face, accountability, positive fellowship, and when God has moved and spoken take another step.

Love y'all,

Heather Lindsey- Pregnant with Purpose

"Heather Lindsey is the founder of an awesome organization/movement that I am proud to be a part of known as Pinky Promise. Check it out!!

Pinky Promise & Heatherlindsey.blogspot.com