I am that person during a movie who screams at the screen towards the characters in warning as if they can hear me. As I watch them deal with "what if" situations and completely lose focus and control on their reality I become so frustrated! I can understand them because I am the ruling Queen in running through hypothetical situations in my head, like "Oh shoot I wish I had said ___(insert witty comment)_____ when he was doing that" or "what if I didn't answer that phone call, than I wouldn't be in this mess that I need to find my way out of" I realize the other day that living in my "what if" world is living in a world where I fail to take responsibility for my actions, while constantly living in the past or future. Instead of growing and maturing I was shifting the blame to anything and anyone else, leaving room for the mistake to occur again.
What are boundaries??
Boundaries is defined by Webster as:
Noun
- A line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line
- A limit of a subject or a sphere of activity
For me I define boundaries as a guardrail. I see boundaries as a helmet, a mechanism we use to protect our mind, spirit, and body from major injuries just like our helmets back in the day protected our heads when we fell. So many of us see this guardrail as a prison instead of the protection that it is. That is a state of mind that needs to be change before we can even consider setting boundaries.
Ok Jenny.... I understand or can kind of see the point of boundaries but I don't see why I need them in my life....Well to be honest I didn't see the point either until I was consistently finding myself in some hot mess and I didn't have any idea how I got there.
The Why??
I have been celibate for 2 years and 6 months. *Quick shout of joy and excitement* Within that time 75% of it has been unbelievably hard, 20% of the rest consists of a period mark with a mix of denial, frustration, feeling too much all at once on top of a "I'm better than you" righteous that had me tripping and falling, and the last 5% is the I'm getting the hang of it. Thank God for second, third, seventh chances!!
Anybody who says celibacy is easy is either HIDING or LYING! It's by far one of the hardest thing I've ever done but honestly the BEST active decision of my life. In that time I've come close to breaking it twice and I've taken responsibility for both of those decision because of an amazing "ah hah" revelation that a sister shared with me about relationships. She said, "Men are the gas of a relationship, they will accelerate things, while women are meant to be the breaks", this was simply a lightbulb moment for me.
If you don't have boundaries, the world will give you bondage. You will always find yourself in situations that you weren't ready for. There will always be tests of temptation that you will fail and a wave a guilt and shame that comes after, that eventually will harden your heart after each fall. I had no time to keep failing the same test and I believe your time is previous too!
But I'm strong enough
Ummmm...no your not. I don't mean to bust your bubble but there is a reason why you keep finding yourself in the same situation. It's because you believe yourself strong enough to handle a situation that should have been avoided in the first place. Consider this....the wisest man, a man who dealt with life and death situations, a ruler of nations continuously fell when it came to women and sex. The strongest man, had supernatural strength that defied logic AND nature was eventually destroyed by his lusts, last but not least the holiest man, who was considered to be a friend of God, a fierce warrior who was known in battle was led astray simply with a gaze of a woman taking a bath. So if the wisest man, the strongest, and the holiest both fell in the face of temptation you my friend need to RUN the other way! The flesh is weak, without restraints it will cause your downfall.
Let's get Crackalackin'...The How
1. State the purpose, define what you are going to abstain from (late night convos, sex, pornography, sexual immorality in general)
* Purpose leads to direction which helps in forming motivation
2. Find out your triggers
- What is the environment that has cause you to fall like? Are you more tempted when you hangout with certain people, when you're in certain places?
* Be real honest with yourself: For me I couldn't listen to certain artist anymore such as Ginuwine, Trey Songz, Boyz II Men for awhile or watch shows like Criminal Minds (two words..,Shemar Moore). Even now there are times I have to shut it down because it puts me in that state of mind.
3. STOP being naive!
This was a hard lesson for me to learn because I thought I could play hypothetical games without getting burn, "Hypothetically he can come over while no one is there as long we make out in the living room nothing going to happen" this leads to an epic fail. Having the intention of being good Isn't enough when you set up an atmosphere for failure.
4. Write it down
There is something so powerful in moving a thought in your mind to a written form. When you can see it, read it, it will stick in your mind. Written ideals are building blocks for unshakable principles.
5. Be ACCOUNTABLE!
Not only should these standards be written down but it should be shared with someone who is going to hold you accountable. Someone who will encourage you, remind you, and most importantly pray/speak for and with you when you are weak.
I know it's hard Beloved but it is worth it, avoiding these what if leave room for a healthy reality. Aren't you tired of being played with? Of being confuse? Of feeling guilt? Evaluate yourself and be real. Don't be stuck in an illusion. Below are 7 standards I have for myself I hope this encourages and helps you.
Ruby Standards
1. No Late night conversation with the opposite sex; for me that means no convos after 10:30-11 PM
* There is rarely anything "holy" being talked about during late hours, let's be real
2. No member of the opposite sex outside of immediate family is allowed in my bedroom.
3. No rough housing games with the opposite sex especially where at any point he will be on top and I will be in the bottom.
4. No late night car rides.
5. No hypothetical games or scenarios involving body parts. Speak to me directly.
6. No crude, lewd, sexual jokes because that kind of conversation plants seeds and thoughts.
7. If a male shows you that his intentions are not about helping/maintaining purity, don't compromise, get to stepping.
* If he is not met to be yours, not aligned with your purpose, taking you away from your standards, you are prolonging your destruction NOT helping in his salvation. You are worth more!
Beloved Rise,
