Black Sheep in Me

I've been attempting to write this blog for at least 10+ months and just struggled with the words because in all honesty this is still a weak spot for me. I still struggle with the insecurity of feeling like an outcast even when I am surrounded by a crowd. This is an area that I am still surrendering, a piece of me that is still in the process of mending. It seems like the month of February is my "exposure" month, a month filled with God unearthing deep hidden parts in my heart. Which makes sense because February is the month that not only do I become a year older but in general the world is dealing with their definition of love. What would you do for the sake of love??

You ever find yourself relating to the villain in a story. I mean really understanding why they are the way they are and why they do the things they do because in a real way you see a part of them in you.

Well.......for me the "villain" I most identify with is the first earthly son. Cain.

I am Cain. You might be thinking....ummm I don't get it...What are you trying to say??? I am saying that in a real, undeniable way I understand and can relate to Cain. For those of you who don't know who this Cain is, let me give you a quick catch up in a significant story in the Bible that I  believe we can all relate to in some way, shape or form. Cain is the first man in the Bible to commit murder. He was the firstborn of Adam and Eve, a farmer, and the first black sheep of the family. Cain is the originator of sibling rivalry gone wrong and the first example of what anger and jealousy can do to a man's heart and life, and what people bondage can do to the heart. For your convenience I have added the story into this blog in order to be used as a reference point later

 Now Adam had sexual relations with his wife, Eve, and she became pregnant. When she gave birth to Cain, she said, “With the Lord’s help, I have produced a man!” Later she gave birth to his brother and named him Abel.

When they grew up, Abel became a shepherd, while Cain cultivated the ground.  When it was time for the harvest, Cain presented some of his crops as a gift to the Lord.  Abel also brought a gift—the best of the firstborn lambs from his flock. The Lord accepted Abel and his gift,  but he did not accept Cain and his gift. This made Cain very angry, and he looked dejected.

 “Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected?  You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.”

One day Cain suggested to his brother, “Let’s go out into the fields.” And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother, Abel, and killed him.

 Afterward the Lord asked Cain, “Where is your brother? Where is Abel?”

“I don’t know,” Cain responded. “Am I my brother’s guardian?”

But the Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground!  Now you are cursed and banished from the ground, which has swallowed your brother’s blood. No longer will the ground yield good crops for you, no matter how hard you work! From now on you will be a homeless wanderer on the earth.”

"Is there something wrong with me? Why is it a struggle for me to get the love that you seemed to easily give to others? Why am I Plan B?? Why am I trying so hard to earn your love or approval when it seems impossible for me to get it? I just want you to LOVE me! Is that too much to ask??!" 

To be completely transparent. Yes I am a Christian, yes I know that Jesus LOVES me in a way that no one on this Earth could  ever compare or surpass..but there is still that part in me, that small part that seeks to be loved and approved by a person. For me that person is my mother.

I have mama issues y'all, deep rooted ones that are bring unearthed everyday.....this is not to say that my mother hasn't taken care of me or nurtured me, I am who I am because of her sacrifice & dedication. There are soooo many things I could never repay her for. Nevertheless some of my deepest hurts and scars were inflicted by her. You see real love makes you vulnerable. It leaves you susceptible to be hurt & disappointed. Quickly in this life you discover that humans make horrible gods. We are too fragile, prideful, limited to carry that burden.

Nothing cuts as deep as the feeling of being unwanted by the people who should love you. I have felt like a black sheep. I have fed jealousy in my heart, kept grudges because I felt I had the right to be angry. I have felt like a visitor in my own home and an outcast among my friends. Not necessarily because they intentionally made me feel that way but because we live in a fallen world with imperfect human beings that will cause us pain. The enemy loves those inflicted by the "Black Sheep Syndrome". Matter fact the word says he targets them.

But...just like the enemy goes out of his way to chase down those of us that feel like a black sheep, GOD leaves the 100 to pursue and find that one lost black sheep. When lost you become the focus of his pursuit and overwhelming love. Wow! That wrecks me everytime it sinks in. God isn't confused and bothered by my feelings of loneliness, and anger. He wants to pursue me in the midst of it all. 

What??

Love. What is it?? Clearly it's something  we all want, sing of, fantasize about, desire to the point of craziness but seem to always---fall short to achieving or gaining. We don't understand love because we don't know the author of it, the source of it. We fail to sit down and reflect on why we feel what we feel. We just continue to be a victim to the roller coaster of emotions, moments, and experiences. I've come to realize that a good source of majority of my pain is that I was expecting Perfect love from an imperfect, hurt human being while ignoring the ONLY person that can love me perfectly.  

I have people bondage.

You see it's hard to serve and truly love someone when you are a slave to them. You have to release them from that list of people who wronged you Beloveds. You can't please an unpleasable person....I can't lose my focus on God and miss my blessings and purpose through Him by being bothered by a temporary being. But that is easier said than done. These are the things I'm learning in my journey of being a black sheep.

1. Figure out/study your love language. If you don't understand how you receive love, you will always be confused to why you feel the way you feel. Good The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

2. Draw near to God and he will draw nearer to you. Encounter the source of love. God is closer than your next breath. You are never alone. He is close to those who are broken hearted.

3. Release that grudge list you have in your heart. True love doesn't keep records of wrong. You may have all the right to do so but you will never move past it until you write down that list that you've been keeping tally of in your heart and tear it up.

4. Look at that persons through God eyes. This is HARD Beloved, a true struggle because it forces you to go beyond you. Beyond your hurt, your experiences, your perception of this person lies an undeniable truth. God loves them too. He sees them not as we see them, he sees their heart. The toughest, most harden people used to be the most sensitive people who have been beat up by life. When you grace others and choose to see them with mercy its rewardedby the Father.

5. Open yourself to receive love from God- place people. Fellowship is not an option. You can't do this journey alone, you were never design too.

6. Stop nursing that Cain hate/hurt in your heart. Cain was warned by God about the hate and hurt in his heart before it manifested to murder. Write it down, seek counseling. But don't meditate on it constantly because what a man thinks becomes what he does.

7. Recognize that not everyone is going to love you perfectly, know the difference between season friends/people. Forgiving someone doesn't always mean that they are qualified to be in every season of your life. That's ok. Ask for wisdom/discern means it will be given.

My hearts desire is that one person felt God's beckon back into his embrace.  Feeling like a black sheep is tough Beloved but what a balm to the soul it is to know that the Almighty God cares enough to leave everything to seek and find you.

Be encouraged.

Beloved Rise,

Honeymoon High

I catch myself lately daydreaming about my wedding day. Imagining how I would feel surrounded by my girlfriends on the day, laughing and giggling in happiness, picturing that moment when they help me in my dress. I even go as far as visualizing the walk down the aisle, the feeling of butterflies taking flight in my heart and spirit as I look at my groom waiting for me. Whew

The part that usually has me shaking back to reality in order to stop myself from awakening things that don't need to be awaken (Let's be real #CelibacyStruggle) is the HONEYMOON. The moment I start thinking of the nervousness anticipation of that night I realize that my thoughts are going too far and I have to reel it back in. When I seize control of those thoughts I had a "Light-Bulb" moment when I realize I have visualized more about the wedding and honeymoon, then the actual MARRIAGE.

Then God drop on my Spirit.

"I've lost many brides lost in a honeymoon high not ready to give our marriage the work and effort it needs to survive" 

Wow. Did I get lost in a Honeymoon High? Have I lost the desire to put in work for my marriage with Christ in my quest to feel like I did when I first encountered Him. It simply amazes me when God speaks to me something so profound in such a simple and imaginative way. He is so aware of how to communicate to us in a way that we can understand if we choose to listen. So what is a Honeymoon High? I guess the best way to visualize it spiritually is to break down the idea naturally. All though I have never been married it's not too difficult for me to picture what a honeymoon might feel like.

The Honeymoon 

1. Very intimate

- You are becoming aware of someone else in every way. Its the act of of becoming ONE

2. Outside the realm of reality

- Everything appears to be perfect, very picturesque, nothing is wrong

3. Bubble-Protected 

- In a sense you feel as if it's us against the world.

4. Filled with Highs and non-existent Lows

- From the emotions, passion, desire there seems to be a cascading waterfalls of feelings

When we encounter Christ we fall into a honeymoon high. It is LOVE. For me I felt like I experience and saw God in everything. From the sunrise, through rainfall, in the way the wind blew across my face, in music, movies I felt like everything just spoke of God's love for me. That encounter is intimate, it's usually when we first feel the most vulnerable and exposed, very much like a honeymoon night for a couple who is experiencing each other for the very first time. 

After that encounter I was in a fantasy world where nothing could go wrong. I had yet to go through any trials, tribulation, or temptations that gave me roots in Christ but you honestly couldn't tell me anything. I had yet to hear the word "no" from God or "not yet". I had no idea that I would go through some things that would shake me and cause me to wonder, "Gosh God is this really worth it?" My world with Christ was very much a bubble, I spent hours reading my word alone in my room, I didn't want to deal with people because for the most part human beings got on my nerves *can I just be real*  and at this stage I didn't need anyone but God on my island. 

All though I wouldn't trade that time for anything in this world, I realize looking back now that it was very emotionally led. I believe God was with me because I felt him. Let me be clear in saying; I do believe that having a HONEYMOON season in Christ is part of the process of growing in Christ. The problem comes up when you are shock, surprise, upset when the honeymoon ends and the marriage begins. 

So many of us are shock when hard times begin to show up in our relationship with Christ. When friends who used to be there fall away, when people start to complain and talk about how different you now are, when family just don't understand your relationship, or when you have to let go or sacrifice things/people who are pulling us away from Christ. We are unprepared for the daily death of our flesh in a world that tells us "if it doesn't make us feel happy let it go". So many of us now are spiritually separated or divorce from Christ because we weren't ready to commit to our marriage. We have so many leaving the protection of true love in search of something that feels good but is destroying us in the process.

A good marriage takes work. Point Blank. The Bible says that we are the Bride of Christ, which means we are married to him. I just started to understand this concept and I realize that a lot of things I do in my spiritual marriage with Christ I wouldn't in my right mind want to do in an earthly marriage.

"Imagine waking up next to your husband, you feel his presence and he gently reaches out to you but you quickly move away to brush your teeth, wash your face grabbing your phone in the process. Slowly but surely emails and calls from work & other people start popping up and you rush past your husband in an attempt to get dress. Failing to see his desire to embrace you, never realizing you have yet to say good morning. In your hurry you decide to skip breakfast and shout over your shoulder a quick "I love you" as you get in the car. When he tries to talk to you about the lack of time you guys spend together, you get defensive. When he attempts to participate in activities with you, you see Him as overbearing. Slowly but surely you pull away until another man starts to grab your attention. He makes you feel inhibited, fun, daring and you confide in him instead of your husband........

Eventually if this continues a strain on the marriage will occur. Eventually a separation will happen where your heart becomes lost in the world. If you don't feel close the honest truth is it's your feelings and not the truth. Feelings are deceiving and flimsy. If you are not feeling your relationship with Christ right now realize that your feelings will continue as long as you allow it. He hasn't moved away from this relationship, you have. He love you sooooo sooo much and wants to work it out with you. 

Don't be so lost in the honeymoon high that you fail to allow God to show you how awesome and so much sweeter a lifetime love that has endured a few tests and trials is. Fight for this relationship, guard those gates, treat it as the marriage that it is, talk to him, pass those tests, and tell those feelings to bow down.  If you haven't encountered Christ, check out my first blog  . 

He is the best LOVE story I've ever experience Beloved, Whisper to a Lonely Heart. Love y'all

Beloved Rise,

   (One of my beautiful PP Sisters and I at Jonathan McReynolds concert)