Forbidden Doors; Overcoming Desires

Late at night when my flesh whispers to me and my thoughts slithers near forbidden doors 

You are there clothing me with your power, Grace, and mercy

When the voices of the world seem to sing me a lullaby of my past...

You remind me of my current gift and the future that you are preparing for me

When I yearn to hear a deep voice woo my loneliness 

You remind me that quiet still voice is the only real comfort I need, there is nothing temporary about you.

When I feel like I can't overcome by the waves of these fleshy desires

You remind that the flesh was stripped from your back and pierced to a cross so I could have access to that overcoming freedom

Your I am is true because truth is the very fiber of your being, the foundation where love flows from...

So as honest as my feelings may seem during the darkest moments in the sky

I am choosing to rest on the Son that shines and lights on all hidden places in my life.

Only you have seen all of my secret thoughts and hidden places and deep hurts...and love me the same.

So tonight as my flesh pines for what was

I surrender and marvel at a love that is and will always be.

Thank you for loving me Jesus.

I remember about 2 years ago I was in a place where I was mad at God, I was in a place where I couldn't deny who he was in my life but at the same time I wanted to rebel and push away because things weren't going my way and the pruning stage of my growth occurring.

 I was lonely, and I was missing being intimate with a man. I was no longer in the honeymoon stages with God, I was in the marriage phase where we had to work some things out... That didn't sit too well because I thought "God if I am not feeling my relationship with you then you are not really there for me, what about my needs God? Why am I going through these things?" You see relationship with God takes commitment, it takes active effort on our part to draw close and truly be married to him.

 At that time I had the number of someone who I entertained and temporarily used to fill that God size void in my heart. You see I didn't really see a future with this person but he was a desired distraction from my present. He was that person I called knowing that he would pick up no matter what... Pause can we be real about this..y'all know we all have that saved number that we should have deleted a LOONNNGGG time ago. That person was mine. 

Looking back at this place now I cringe and at the same time smile because I realize two things. The first, I was extremely selfish and manipulative in that season behaving like a Jezebel. I wanted God my way or not at all and if he wasn't going to move at the speed that I wanted Him too I would help him along, silly right?? That Jezebel spirit is no joke. The second thing I realize was that even when I was intentionally seeking to be disobedient God was still pursuing me relentlessly, providing me with opportunities/ moments to obey him. Beloved the same saving Grace that picks us up when we fall, if we look back also will provide us escape routes to protect us and propel us to a deeper maturity. It gives us the power to say no to sin and yes to God.

I didn't know then that God had already equipped me with the power and ability to pass those tests with my flesh but I had to choose to access that power. Beloved God has given us all the power we need to overcome these strongholds in our lives we just now have to learn how to tap into that power.

How do we access that power?

1. Be honest with God. God isn't afraid or surprise by your feelings. In fact he would much rather you express it and share it with him then run around and tell everyone and their mamma. That love letter in the beginning of this blog was a journal entry I had at 2-3 o'clock in the morning. I chose to be honest to God about where I was, my desires, I chose to be unashamed like David. 
2. Stop Lying to Yourself. Before we can tap into that power that is trap in you, you have to stop lying to yourself. Stop pretending that everything is OK..it's not..you are in a battle and you are taking critical hits, a good amount of it from your own gun.
3. Put on the full Armor of God. One of my favorite Pastor/teacher is Dr. Tony Evans, he just has the ability to present the word of God in a way that blows your mind and can make sense to even the smallest child. It would be an injustice for me to try to explain what I have learn from this so I attach the video below. Watch it, take notes =)
4. Stand Firm and Have faith. Beloved you are a new creation in Christ, when God freed you from sin he freed you from all sin. You have to believe in that truth, you have to stand firm in it. Then you have to work out your salvation in that truth.  

My prayer today is that you will stop allowing your feelings to lead you to forbidden doors. My prayer today is that what you have been wrestling with for so long you place it before the throne of God and not the audience of men.

Beloved Rise, 

Black Sheep in Me

I've been attempting to write this blog for at least 10+ months and just struggled with the words because in all honesty this is still a weak spot for me. I still struggle with the insecurity of feeling like an outcast even when I am surrounded by a crowd. This is an area that I am still surrendering, a piece of me that is still in the process of mending. It seems like the month of February is my "exposure" month, a month filled with God unearthing deep hidden parts in my heart. Which makes sense because February is the month that not only do I become a year older but in general the world is dealing with their definition of love. What would you do for the sake of love??

You ever find yourself relating to the villain in a story. I mean really understanding why they are the way they are and why they do the things they do because in a real way you see a part of them in you.

Well.......for me the "villain" I most identify with is the first earthly son. Cain.

I am Cain. You might be thinking....ummm I don't get it...What are you trying to say??? I am saying that in a real, undeniable way I understand and can relate to Cain. For those of you who don't know who this Cain is, let me give you a quick catch up in a significant story in the Bible that I  believe we can all relate to in some way, shape or form. Cain is the first man in the Bible to commit murder. He was the firstborn of Adam and Eve, a farmer, and the first black sheep of the family. Cain is the originator of sibling rivalry gone wrong and the first example of what anger and jealousy can do to a man's heart and life, and what people bondage can do to the heart. For your convenience I have added the story into this blog in order to be used as a reference point later

 Now Adam had sexual relations with his wife, Eve, and she became pregnant. When she gave birth to Cain, she said, “With the Lord’s help, I have produced a man!” Later she gave birth to his brother and named him Abel.

When they grew up, Abel became a shepherd, while Cain cultivated the ground.  When it was time for the harvest, Cain presented some of his crops as a gift to the Lord.  Abel also brought a gift—the best of the firstborn lambs from his flock. The Lord accepted Abel and his gift,  but he did not accept Cain and his gift. This made Cain very angry, and he looked dejected.

 “Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected?  You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.”

One day Cain suggested to his brother, “Let’s go out into the fields.” And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother, Abel, and killed him.

 Afterward the Lord asked Cain, “Where is your brother? Where is Abel?”

“I don’t know,” Cain responded. “Am I my brother’s guardian?”

But the Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground!  Now you are cursed and banished from the ground, which has swallowed your brother’s blood. No longer will the ground yield good crops for you, no matter how hard you work! From now on you will be a homeless wanderer on the earth.”

"Is there something wrong with me? Why is it a struggle for me to get the love that you seemed to easily give to others? Why am I Plan B?? Why am I trying so hard to earn your love or approval when it seems impossible for me to get it? I just want you to LOVE me! Is that too much to ask??!" 

To be completely transparent. Yes I am a Christian, yes I know that Jesus LOVES me in a way that no one on this Earth could  ever compare or surpass..but there is still that part in me, that small part that seeks to be loved and approved by a person. For me that person is my mother.

I have mama issues y'all, deep rooted ones that are bring unearthed everyday.....this is not to say that my mother hasn't taken care of me or nurtured me, I am who I am because of her sacrifice & dedication. There are soooo many things I could never repay her for. Nevertheless some of my deepest hurts and scars were inflicted by her. You see real love makes you vulnerable. It leaves you susceptible to be hurt & disappointed. Quickly in this life you discover that humans make horrible gods. We are too fragile, prideful, limited to carry that burden.

Nothing cuts as deep as the feeling of being unwanted by the people who should love you. I have felt like a black sheep. I have fed jealousy in my heart, kept grudges because I felt I had the right to be angry. I have felt like a visitor in my own home and an outcast among my friends. Not necessarily because they intentionally made me feel that way but because we live in a fallen world with imperfect human beings that will cause us pain. The enemy loves those inflicted by the "Black Sheep Syndrome". Matter fact the word says he targets them.

But...just like the enemy goes out of his way to chase down those of us that feel like a black sheep, GOD leaves the 100 to pursue and find that one lost black sheep. When lost you become the focus of his pursuit and overwhelming love. Wow! That wrecks me everytime it sinks in. God isn't confused and bothered by my feelings of loneliness, and anger. He wants to pursue me in the midst of it all. 

What??

Love. What is it?? Clearly it's something  we all want, sing of, fantasize about, desire to the point of craziness but seem to always---fall short to achieving or gaining. We don't understand love because we don't know the author of it, the source of it. We fail to sit down and reflect on why we feel what we feel. We just continue to be a victim to the roller coaster of emotions, moments, and experiences. I've come to realize that a good source of majority of my pain is that I was expecting Perfect love from an imperfect, hurt human being while ignoring the ONLY person that can love me perfectly.  

I have people bondage.

You see it's hard to serve and truly love someone when you are a slave to them. You have to release them from that list of people who wronged you Beloveds. You can't please an unpleasable person....I can't lose my focus on God and miss my blessings and purpose through Him by being bothered by a temporary being. But that is easier said than done. These are the things I'm learning in my journey of being a black sheep.

1. Figure out/study your love language. If you don't understand how you receive love, you will always be confused to why you feel the way you feel. Good The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

2. Draw near to God and he will draw nearer to you. Encounter the source of love. God is closer than your next breath. You are never alone. He is close to those who are broken hearted.

3. Release that grudge list you have in your heart. True love doesn't keep records of wrong. You may have all the right to do so but you will never move past it until you write down that list that you've been keeping tally of in your heart and tear it up.

4. Look at that persons through God eyes. This is HARD Beloved, a true struggle because it forces you to go beyond you. Beyond your hurt, your experiences, your perception of this person lies an undeniable truth. God loves them too. He sees them not as we see them, he sees their heart. The toughest, most harden people used to be the most sensitive people who have been beat up by life. When you grace others and choose to see them with mercy its rewardedby the Father.

5. Open yourself to receive love from God- place people. Fellowship is not an option. You can't do this journey alone, you were never design too.

6. Stop nursing that Cain hate/hurt in your heart. Cain was warned by God about the hate and hurt in his heart before it manifested to murder. Write it down, seek counseling. But don't meditate on it constantly because what a man thinks becomes what he does.

7. Recognize that not everyone is going to love you perfectly, know the difference between season friends/people. Forgiving someone doesn't always mean that they are qualified to be in every season of your life. That's ok. Ask for wisdom/discern means it will be given.

My hearts desire is that one person felt God's beckon back into his embrace.  Feeling like a black sheep is tough Beloved but what a balm to the soul it is to know that the Almighty God cares enough to leave everything to seek and find you.

Be encouraged.

Beloved Rise,

Love Dare: Challenge Accepted

I can not believe that it's already February!! For those of you who don't know this month is my BIRTHDAY month!! *does Happy Dance* and this year I am becoming 23 years wiser! I am that person that celebrates life everyday so I don't consider my birthday (February, 16th) to be a day of celebration because I start the party starts on the 1st and doesn't stop until March 1st =). I begin to think, what exactly should I do to celebrate my birthday?? Should I go out and dance the night away? Should I travel? Should I throw a big party? Should I do something spontaneously dangerous?......And then I hear deep in my spirit, a quiet still voice

"You should love"

"Well, I thought I did that?" I whispered back. Can I be honest with y'all I felt some type of way when this was place in my spirit. My God must have known that I wasn't receiving this message well because towards the end of the month of January I discovered a song. This song was so profound that not only did it inspire this love dare but it inspired me to make loving hard everyday a mission. The song "As Long as I'm Here" by Brandon Heath says....

Some day I'll pass through the great sky above
And the first thing I'll ask is how well did I love
Did I leave the world any better than it was before?
Of all the things I've done, could I have done any more?

How well did you Love? When it's your time to leave this world no one is going to list the amount of degrees you held or the businesses you started.... they are going to reflect on the memories you shared and the impact and legacy you left behind. The question is not going to be how well did you live but how impactful was your love in a world that is in desperate need of it.

So for my birthday month and as long it takes to make love a habit in your life, I am inviting you to a LOVE DARE. This is inspired by the movie "Fireproof" which I highly recommend you to watch. This movie is on Netflix .

For married folks: You guys can follow this dare to the T. This Dare was tailored specifically for YOU. If you are married and you decide to embark on this challenge, I challenge you to be silent. Allow your actions to speak, go through all 40 days of this challenge, journal and pour out the good and bad during your quiet time.

For Single Folks: I am a bold, radical believer in Jesus Christ. I believe in the teachings of the Bible, which means that I try to live my life with IT as my standard. I believe that marriage is a beautiful representation of the relationship between Christ and the Church, therefore it's a holy covenant that should be between a man and a woman. Until a man has paid the price for you known as marriage, he should not be getting husband benefits which means as a fellow sister of mine stated beautifully "NO WED, NO BED". So many of us are deceived into thinking that singleness is a curse. That is so far from the truth! We as singles are in a privilege position where we get to mature and work on different love relationships in our lives. We get to strengthen these support systems and create a network of accountability that will help you in seasons to come. Don't run away from the blessings and lessons of singleness because society is trying to tell you are incomplete. The fact of the matter is there are way to many INCOMPLETE individuals in "complete" relationships. So the LOVE DARE challenge for you is to seek out a family member who is estranged, that difficult sibling or parent, a friend, someone younger than you that you can pour love to. Tailor the dare to that relationship. To be honest there is not much change that needs to be done. Using it as an excuse just allows you to continue living in less than satisfying relationships.

It starts with YOU

Part of the challenge is to truly reflect on the changes you are seeing and the things you are feeling day to day. Use this challenge to go deeper in your quiet time. Jenny What's this Quiet Time you keep referring to? How do I go about doing it? I truly believe that when someone explains something better than you, don't try to beat a dead horse by trying to explain better. Humble yourself and use that person as a resource. I am blessed to be part of an amazing movement known as Pinky Promise. Founded by Heather Lindsey this movement inspires women to truly love and live this Christian life, by challenging singles to live a life of purity while single in a world that pushes the opposite and for the married women living a life of purity as keeper of her home (whatever that means to you and your husband according to your relationship and the Bible) and learning the true meaning and beauty of submission. She has an amazing blog which she talks about several topics one being quiet time. Check it out here: "How to Spend Time with God" by Heather Lindsey 

LOVE DARE RULES

1. Start on Day 1 and end with Day 40. The challenge builds on itself don't cheat yourself out by trying to skip around.
2. Give it your all. You don't want to wonder at the end of this "Could I have done more?"
3. Do it in secret. I love the book of Matthew starting from chapter 5 to chapter 6. Take time to read and reflect before jumping into this challenge. One of my favorite part of the teaching is Matthew 6:1 "Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven"
4. Journal. Reflect and speak to God
5. Don't give up. Before it gets better it can sometimes get worse. True test of love is not loving someone who is lovable but someone that is difficult to love. Those are the people who need it the most.
6. Pass it on. Don't keep this challenge to yourself, all though the person that you decide to have as the receiving end of this challenge should be kept in the dark =) Someone else may need a challenge.
7. Print this. Love Dare
8. Officially starting on February 14th.

 The second greatest commandment given to us by JESUS is to LOVE. The Bible says that "They will know us by our love" not by our awesome knowledge of scripture and theology but how we live this thing out.

Love y'all,

Peace of Mind: "When Breaking Up is Hard"

"You, Lord, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you"

Isaiah 26:3 ESV

 Can I share something with you guys? The honest truth is I really didn't want to write this blog. It's been sitting in my drafts for maybe two and a half weeks. I struggled over thinking about what to write and how to write it. I was highly considering just finding a bunch of bible verses about peace and just add my personal take on it all. I felt convicted immediately and I realize that I was refusing to give God the glory that he deserve by not sharing part of my testimony. This would have been extremely generic blog if I didn't remember a little pearl of wisdom. I was once told that not every test, trial we go through is specifically FOR you, God can be preparing you to minister to someone else. This helps to get out of the "me" mentality

 It's amazing how many of us continue to walk in the mindset that our sufferings are ours alone...when in reality everything that we go through is a catalyst to something greater. This discovery of this beauty truth can't happen until we surrender our pride to Christ and put on the garment of humility and servant hood. In my quest to appear wise, I was behaving like a fool. This was apparent because foolishness is the language of the simple but with God and through his word we can gain wisdom and are given the gift of true peace. I've discovered joy but the journey to this place was a bit turbulent, I've embraced peace but that story had a hard beginning.....

I discovered true peace on January 5, 2012 when I decided to truly surrender my heart and life to Christ. I begin to walk and live in it around April-May of that year. Why did it take me 3 months to start enjoying this peace?? Well....my sinful pride/stubbornness definitely had a large part to play and because of a MAN. My EX was my first kiss, love and everything else following that. We were together for 5 years. He was all I knew, he was my comfort zone. This coupled with my rocky relationship with my parent and teenage hormones led to an extreme unhealthy codependent relationship. I didn't go anywhere without him or really tried new things. So you can imagine how horrified I was when the first thing God told me to do through a dream was to break up with him.

The Dream

I was sitting on a bench in an area surrounded by light, crying. This crying was not normal; the tears were gut wrenching, breath taking, and ugly. I felt like my heart was breaking in half and I was hunch over. All of a sudden I felt an overwhelming peaceful presence sit near me and pull my head gently unto his lap. Slowly my cries quieted as he caressed my hair. I heard him say, "Daughter are you sure he is what you want? I will not force my will on you, but if you let him go and trust me I will give you someone/something than you could ever imagined?" My response, "I don't know Daddy, I am scared"  He continued to gently caress my head.

I woke up in tears.

Isn't funny and beyond silly how we try to bargain with God about things he is trying to strip us from, when it's obvious that THING/SOMEONE is steadily killing us? "I can change him"...."He's all I have ever known"....."But God I know He's in my life for a reason----While God the whole time is telling you "Let go Beloved I have something BETTER for you, trust me"

I believed 2 big lies for so long that they became my reality----- like me you may not even recognize that you have been deceived by the enemy and have been living a life based on a lie.

1.  I had to earn/work for God's love.
2. God was this distant entity who only cared about "serious" things therefore could not be concerned about where I went, what I listened to, what I ate, what I wear etc.....
3. 
   
   

After some reflection I realize that two main reasons why I was so against letting this relationship go is lack of faith and lack of understanding of my worth. I didn't believe that GOD, my Creator, The One who knows me better than I could ever know myself, could GIVE me better. At the same time I didn't believe I deserve or could GET anything better. My peace of mind was quickly following my self-esteem and until I begin to learn that I was in COMPLETE in Christ and not in a MAN I would could never be content and at peace with my life. The word of God says in 1 Corinthians 2:9 "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him"------

God loves me and you without us having to DO anything to earn it. His love is perfect and has the power to complete and transform us in such a radical and intimate way that it has no choice but to inspire change in our communities, schools, and homes. His love is consistent, it is patient, and overwhelming. It has the ability to fill those voids left by Fatherlessness, brokenness, abuse, and abandonment, and every other hurt that we have endured while living in this broken and fallen world. 

But we have a part to play.  

A surgeon just finish operating on a patient who was severely slash by a foreign object. The slash was gruesome, it left muscles, bones, and organs exposed. Blood was everywhere. It almost appeared like the patient wouldn't make it through....how could he?? Everyone could see the damage that was done...But the surgeon is skilled, his hands are sure, his dedication steadfast, his attention to detail precise, and his willingness to fight for the patient life strong. Under his care, the patient survives the ordeal and is soon moved to the Intensive Care Unit. All though all stitch up and bandaged, the patient is weak, uncomfortable, and in pain. As he heals the doctor gives him details of the dos and donts for recovery. Now it's up to the patient to CHOOSE to comply and aid in his recovery. 

God is the surgeon! We are that patient left broken and bleeding after a break up or a let down. In his hands you will be able to pull through. In his steady hands that broken heart can be mended, but you have to want the healing for yourself. Just like in the natural what we do during the recovery phase determines how well our wounds heal. How do I do that Jenny?? I want to be healed, but I don't know how to do that....  Well below are just dos and donts I was told by the doctor that has aided me in my recovery phase. 

DON'TS 

1. Do not jump into anything else, especially in the intensity of your emotions. You don't need a temporary fix, you need healing. No void filler can distract you or keep from returning to that place you are trying to leave.

2. Do not torture yourself by reminiscing on the good moments you've had because that's exactly what they were moments. If it was that great you wouldn't be feeling so empty.

3. Do not check social media or stalk. For one that is not healthy whatsoever. It's the equivalent of purposely opening your stitches just to see your blood pour. 

4. Do not bash or sully the name of that individual. At one point they were all that and a bag of chips. At one point they were the "love of your life" and could do no wrong. All though I know you may feel hurt and the breakful was painful I can promise you that demeaning or running someone reputation in the dirt with your words says more about you then it does them.  

DO's

1. Let Go. You can't see beyond or as far as God sees. He knows your purpose, he knows the desires and wants of your heart, he knows YOU. Trust him and take that leap of faith and release what's been stealing your peace of mind and your joy.

* Spend daily time with Him. Journal, read the word, create a playlist that helps you to worship.

2. Forgive yourself. I didn't realize how important this step was until I realize how much I beat myself up over loss time, things that I did, and so much more. God forgives you, and when we repent he doesn't hold it against us.

3. Take Responsibility. It took two. Take responsibility for the part you played.

4. Cut ties as best as you can.  I didn't realize how entangled I was until I had to separate myself. I shared phone line and other things with this man. But I was determine not to fall back to what I was comfortable. Started with social media. I block and cut all ties. I work with my phone company to separate as best as possible. I return what was his on one go. If you know what's yours make a list. Continuous back and forth is a no no. Don't lie to yourself, you don't need that scarf.

5. Guard those gates. Watch who you hang around, the little wisdom "birds of a feather, flock together" is a true statement. Broken, angry attitudes are contagious. Watch you listen, read, watch. They all plant seeds, cool off on Chris Brown, Mary J. Blige, Boys II Men, Scandal for a bit.

6. Get Accountability. Point blank, seek overcomer and you will learn to overcome.

7. Discover who you are with God. HE is so adventurous and he wants to teach you all about Him and yourself. Make Time to spend with him on a regular basis.

Love y'all,

 Gotta Find Peace of Mind- Lauryn Hill

Celebrating 2 years of Purity!! 

"Help I've Fallen and Can't Get Up"

Pregnancy. A powerful time where the intimacy, energy of two people meet and spark life. In one moment planned or not, life begins, an essence begins its journey to being a complete independent being. Cells gather and unite and become tissues, tissues into organs, organs into a system, slowly, consistently pieces stitch together to create a being not like any other in this world. A unique masterpiece, woven together by the Creator. Isn't it amazing?? Simply awe-aspiring to think of how we all came to be from something as small as a peanut. For me pregnancy is one of the most beautiful testimonies of God's power and love for us. Not one of us is the same genetically, we are all made different and special. What love!!

Birth. I would say that it's our first, real traumatic experience in life and our first deep covenant. I think that it's a gift from God that we don't remember that journey, but those moments I believe from labor to delivery are prophetic. When a woman's body is prepared to bring forth life, typically her water breaks. She recognizes the beginning stages when pain starts and all waters break loose (pun intended---=D). As many books as she may have read, nothing can really prepare her for this, nothing can prepare you for that moment when your life changes. Pain---consistent, increasing, piercing, yet purposeful occurs because from it a beautiful being is going to come to be so you endure, and push through (Literally....)

Then after one exhaustive push, there is a release, a quiet stillness, and then..... a cry. In that moment, through blood, a covenant is made. If you have had the blessing of being born to a loving mother/parents, Praise God!! You formed a covenant with someone who has made it their life mission to protect, care, nurture, and love you. No matter the argument, problem, situation remember that. If you are adopted that covenant still stands but that day you were not only borne from a woman's body but a mother's prayer. That is a gift. If you lost your mother, I am so so sorry for your loss, but I want to let you know that you were never left alone. God had charge angels to be with you every step of the way, but most importantly HE never left or forsake you. Through it all He was always there.

Let's fast forward a couple of months. This baby who was once an essence, formed by God in its mother's womb is active, curious, confident in its parent's love, and daring in their exploration of the world. After experimenting with rolling over, bouncing in place, crawling at the speed of light, he feels the urge to stand. Slowly, tentatively he reaches for support and grabs hold of one of the steadiest thing that he can place his hands on and pulls himself up. After a couple try of this standing up adventure, he gets bold enough to let go and very quickly plops back down on the surface. As weeks and months go by so does the length of unassisted stands.

One day there comes the courage and desire to take a couple of steps. After the tentative first one, to the absolute glee of your doting parents, there is a second and third and maybe even a fourth and then all of a sudden you lose your balance and fall HARD. That fall was a surprise and it hurt. You cry and scream, begging to be comforted by a loving hand. You reach out to someone and quickly you are brought close and comforted and reassured that everything will be all right.

After being comforted you remember the feeling of standing on your own. All though it hurt the first couple of times, you keep getting up and trying again, and again, and again, until FINALLY!!! you have a consistent walk.

This is for me a beautiful illustration of our Christian walk with our Heavenly Father.

From the beginning God knew YOU. The Bible says in Psalm 139:13-16 "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Isn't that beautiful and so moving to know that before you took your first breath of life on this Earth, before your mother or father knew of your very existence, GOD LOVED YOU. Not only that he was planning a life for you, a beautiful one and you had to do nothing to earn it. You've probably heard of the verse, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not evil, to give you a future and a hope".

v  So no matter what season you are in, single, waiting for a specific prayer consider that you are being prepared, molded, knitted together. Be encouraged, allow God to not only wreck your heart but mend it as well. Be still let God BE God. Surrender.

 When you came to the Kingdom, all of Heaven rejoiced. Angels danced and sang. Our Heavenly Father smiled and said welcome home. For me that moment was almost two years ago!! I thought FINALLY!! I have arrived, my eyes are now open then.........reality hit and I realized that figuratively my water was finally broken, the hard work, struggle, crying, screaming, and pushing aspect had began. The Bible says in Romans 5: 2-4 "Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" I don't know where I got the illusion that walking with God was going to be easy because in all honesty it's not. It hurts to die to your flesh daily, your pride has to be swallowed plenty of times, your will surrendered, your trust, patience, strength tested, and your fears overcome. Not only that, if I can just be real it's lonely standing apart from a culture that glorifies everything that God HATES, i.e murder, sexual immorality, gossiping, idolatry, hypocrisy and on and on it goes. Yet walking this journey is so worthwhile, the yolk is easy to bear because he first carried it.

v  If you have an illusion that this walk should be easy...please drop that like it's a handful of ravenous snakes. This walk should challenge you. A large part of this walk is the fact that God will test you, strip you, in order to mold you. He wants you to produce fruits. So don't run from being tested, embrace it, seek God's face about everything, spend quality time with him, and when the tests, pain, suffering come recognize it for what it is. A test and then PASS. You won't know the material, if you don't spend time studying the word or listening to the teacher.

As a parent you expect your child to hit certain milestones after they are born. If they don't you worry and quickly seek out the expertise of a specialist. It's the SAME THING with God, only difference is he is the expert =D. There is an expectation that as you walk with God there is a maturity that happens, growth that happens. The word says in 1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways." Honestly there is a point where we need to grow up in our walk with God, we shouldn't be in the same place, dealing with the same temptation months after months. In order to do so our mind has to be transformed.

v  Guarding those gates is now your mission. You can't really grow and mature in your faith and in your walk if you are letting anyone and anything plant seeds in your heart. Study the Word of God, when you come to the Father our minds, history, past is not all of sudden wiped away. Our guilt from it does, but our mind has to undergo changes. So refrain from watching, reading, or listening to anything that isn't pleasing to God or beneficial for your growth (i.e. shows, music, sex/romance novels), especially during the beginning stages. Just like a child/toddler what you see, hear, and watch is what you'll repeat and live.

Finally as we begin to explore who we are in God and start doing visible things that label us as "good Christians" we can have moments of pride. Let me just remind you and myself quickly that without Jesus we are nothing and could do nothing of merit. It sounds a bit harsh but it's the truth, Titus 3:5 "He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit" for in truth "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," Romans 3:23. No one can boast of their own righteousness because it, salvation, grace, and mercy are all gifts from God.

v  So humble yourselves before you wreck yourself. Never get into the mindset that you are living this thing out of your own strength or ability.

If you have fallen, please reach out to God. Let him comfort you, clean you off. Repent as for forgiveness, turn towards him instead of hiding. Because just like a parent of a fallen child, God does not love you any less because you fell. He is right there waiting for you. Don't hide and continue to backslide. Seek his face, accountability, positive fellowship, and when God has moved and spoken take another step.

Love y'all,

Heather Lindsey- Pregnant with Purpose

"Heather Lindsey is the founder of an awesome organization/movement that I am proud to be a part of known as Pinky Promise. Check it out!!

Pinky Promise & Heatherlindsey.blogspot.com

Accidental Revelation

The Summer of my Junior Year in Undergrad I was in a big car accident. It wasn't a major accident where lives were lost but it was big enough that I was shaken and petrified of ever driving again for a long time. That summer was the beginning of God acquiring my full attention.

The Moment

My summer class had just ended and I was being picked up by my then boyfriend.... (a pretty significant part of my testimony for a later date) and I convinced him to let me drive home. At that point I had my license for 2-3 years but I rarely drove because the BF drove me everywhere (something I realize now was just another unhealthy component of our relationship). I rarely went anywhere unless he was with me. Had some serious issues with being alone.

We hopped on the highway which for me is the most petrifying part and everything was going pretty well. I was feeling pretty confident and I begin to switch lanes. All though I've had my licence for almost 3 years at that point I still felt like a newbie driver and I was repeatedly triple checking my mirrors. As I was moving from the slow lane to the middle lane, at the last minute the driver that was coming up in that lane decided he didn't want to let me pass and sped up. Before I realize what happen he was in my blind spot and I was already switching. The BF saw this and grab the wheel......not before I side swipe the other car causing glass to explode. I freak out and froze with my foot on the gas and hit the guard rail which cause us to spin. In an attempt to stop I press both feet on he brake and we end stopping hard all the way in the FAST lane facing towards traffic. It's easy to recognize God's protective hand in a situation like that when you've survived.... 

You know that moment everyone speaks about, that moment when your life flashes before your eyes cause by the realization that you just might die today..... YA I didn't have it. In fact I actually had the opposite. I had a moment where all I could think of was eternity, what came after and I had a moment of complete cold dread. In that moment I realized that I truly didn't know where my eternity would be.

That moment scared me.

Revelation

In that moment I had complete clarity, my eyes were open, and ears were finally clear to hear the gentle call of The Lord on my heart. Some may put this in the category of temporary insanity due to extreme circumstances but in all honesty it was much bigger than that simple explanation. I learn some things that day.

1.      Death does not respect any man, no matter the age, race, gender, education level, dreams, aspirations or whatever else we use to call it unfair.

2.      A moment of clarity/revelation will remain only a moment if we choose to let our lives stay the same (Note: Took me 4 months to surrender to Christ after that moment and another to trust Him with my life)

3.      God never stops trying to reach you in the midst of our hot mess, there is hope as long as we are alive but we truly never know when it will be our last.

4.      Sin is temporarily filling but eternally devastating. Comfortable sin is like a silent noose slowly tightening around our necks.

5.      We are as CLOSE to God right now as we CHOOSE to be.

The last revelation really hit me hard recently. Can I be complete transparent and confess something?? I have a HARD time trusting GOD. It's a struggle for me to spend intimate alone time with him because it makes me feel so vulnerable. I realize that I have had a poisonous wall, engulfed by acid vapors surrounding my heart for a long time...and yes I had to be that descriptive. Not only that but for  long time I had a very well designed facade of a perfect Christian that I use in order to avoid getting any deeper than the superficial level. Sometimes it feels like my heart is left completely in the open, bare for anyone to see. To see all the bruises, cracks, and shallow areas.

God is the most intimate love I have ever had because He is not satisfied with the shallow area that I offer to Him when I am afraid. He wants more of me and he refuses to relent until my heart is His in totality. Yet he is so patient and loving..never forcing me to go anywhere that I am not ready to go. Waiting for me to let go so HE can go deeper, removing all the junk I have acquired living in this fallen world, healing all those festering wounds that I try to cover with bandages, showing me things that I could never imagined, and all the while showing himself everyday to be worthy of my TRUST. Isn't it crazy??! me who is completely unworthy.... is being courted by the Almighty God??  Who promises to be there for me through it all, to give me more joy, peace, love, purpose and protection than I can ever imagine, to love me and show me who I truly am, to fight my battles and provide for me and all I have to do is live a life of surrender body, mind, spirit, and soul.  

What's crazy to me is how much we take this offer, his grace and mercy for granted. While there are men, women, and children being persecuted, beaten, even murdered around the world for their faith and desire for God's word we tend to have so much apathy and excuses.  Paul Walker, an actor most notably known for his role in Fast & Furious was killed in a car accident. I was told this by a fellow coworker and when she first told me I can honestly say that I had no idea who she was referring to. When I finally saw his picture I was able to connect a feeling to the face because one he was pretty handsome and two I was familiar with his movies. Shallow but honest. I am sad that someone lost a son, brother, father, friend yesterday. I pray that his soul is a rest with our Heavenly Father. But his picture and recent death stirred something deeper and more specific in me, a conviction. It reminded me that life is so fleeting, that in a moment it could all be gone. It also made me realize that for me when the end comes I want to know without  shadow of a doubt where my eternity lies.

Is your life a testimony of his love and sacrifice? Are you free from the fear of death?

Love y'all,

I Surrender- Hillsong