Winter Blues; Invitation Back to Life

"I hear the rain falling against my window pane. I feel the chill nip of the winter air reach for my toes. One more minute I said, 30 minutes ago to my alarm clock. Just a couple more seconds I thought as my finger hit that snooze button. I just don't really want to participate in today honestly. I don't think I can muster the energy or desire for one more day. I don't think I can fight through this heaviness that just envelopes my mind, body, and spirit. I can't deal. Can't I just close my eyes and stay in bed all day? Can't I just take a raincheck in participating in life? I promise that tomorrow I'll be more able, more present, more driven, more I guess alive. Today I just can't..."

"Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world, Daughter Rise. My strength is made even more evident when you are weak. I am your strength. Rest in me."

Hi. *princess wave* I'm Jenny. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, completely and totally in love with him and I am on a journey in overcoming what the clinical world calls seasonal depression and what I choose to refer as "winter blues". Can I be honest and say I really didn't want to release this blog into the world. I didn't want to disclose a battle that I deal with everyday, I wanted to appear like I had it all together. I realize that I was trying to boast in my own strength, to block a blessing of obedience.

Beloveds more and more I am learning that what attracts people to "inspirational" people is not their perfect pieces but the broken ones that have been transformed by God. Only in transparency can there be true connection, love, and healing... and to just be blunt, there are too many dead people pretending to be alive.  We have too many people pretending to have it together when they are barely making it through. That is pride. So I release this blog believing that in my imperfect way God will perfectly express his LOVE and constant presence to those of you dealing with depression, have relatives suffering from it, or in a place where life just seems to hard to continue...

The beginning of this blog is pretty much my daily struggle from the moment Mid-October hits to basically April-May. Some days are better than most while others feel like hours are too long so I function in minute intervals. See I didn't know I was depressed until my Junior year in college but at that point I had been dealing with depression for 5 years.

If you met me you'd understand why this was hard to believe, I tend to present or embody a "Ray of sunshine, puppies, rainbow, and Reese's" presence. I am an introvert that comes off as an extrovert. A weird breed of human that genuinely loves people but is exhausted by social interaction with them. People see my smile and often time believe that I haven't endured demons...what they don't realize is the brightest smile tends to hide the deepest battles. That smile you see tends to be the tallest barrier, and most iron clad jail.

I didn't realize I was depressed until death seem more fascinating to me than life. I didn't realize how deep in it I was until I looked around my room and saw the mess and immediately felt too tired to function. I didn't realize how wrapped up I was until I noticed that my love affair with my bed mattered more to me than my cleanliness (hygiene), eating, and just daily living activities. Sunlight hurt, I was constantly tired, constantly cold and filled with a dull ache/numbness in my chest that seemed to grow daily. It's hard for people to understand what someone suffering from depression may feel. I was one of them who believed that this person just needs to suck it up and pull themselves up by their bootstrap. I am no expert at depression whatsoever, but from experience I can say that for me depression wasn't because I COULDN'T deal with life problems and issues, I just didn't have the desire to. If I could put into words my state of mind 3 years ago and most likely the general feeling of many individuals dealing with depression I would say:

I wasn't depressed because I was overwhelmed by feelings, life, emotions. I was depressed because of the absence of them....I wanted to feel...I wanted happiness to stay longer but I felt discon.....nected. Like a bystander seeing life without an invitation to join.

That's where I encountered Christ.

He extended an invitation that was so much better than my current situation. He invited me to experience true life! He met me in that dark place and comforted me like no other. Gosh. I wish my words could really capture that moment. The day he met me I hadn't showered for days, I haven't eaten for probably more, I didn't have the words to explain the pit I was in. I wanted help but I didn't know how to ask, I felt so alone, like no one could understand or see me....I was tired Beloveds, so very tired and I remember wishing that I could sleep forever and right then, in my literal funk I heard in my spirit:

"I have never left or forsake you. I am right here Daughter. I understand. I love you, come let me give you the rest, the peace that you desperately want. Let me fill that void" 

I didn't have to explain he already knew. I didn't have to verbalized because he saw my pain and saw the state of my heart. I got up and took a shower, and the drops of water on my flesh felt like a cleansing. I not only was washing the stink off my skin but my very soul. The tears falling off my face in that shower was a dam of release. Jesus loves me, I am not alone. You are not alone either.

Dealing with depression sucks and one of the biggest illusion that people fall for is this idea that they are alone. Another lie that we fall for especially if you are a Christian is this idea I shouldn't be dealing with this anymore. I remember thinking, Am I suppose to feel this way as a Christian? I mean I'm saved and Holy Spirit filled why in the world am I still struggling in this area?? I thought that the moment I came to Christ with my whole heart that I didn't have to deal with things like this anymore? I mean I am a NEW CREATION right??!" Should I take medication? Should I see a counselor? If I do any of the above does that mean I don't believe in the power prayer. 

This is what God has taught on this journey and this is where I stand in regards to all the question above.

1. GOD IS THE ANSWER. I believe in the sovereignty of God and all of his power. I believe in his promises and not once has he promised me that I wouldn't deal with depression anymore. His word says I am victorious, but sometimes we forget that before any victory there is a battlefield, confrontation, struggle. That is the process of overcoming.

2. Depression is a spiritual and physical thing. We are a spirit placed in a body of dirt (Genesis 2:7). This means that the start point is and always will be prayer/faith, it also continues with the physical provision of God. A counselor is a physical provision, someone that God has gifted to walk with you through this journey. For some medication is a provision. In all God has to be the guide, the main point of instruction and leading.

3. You are not LESS of a Christian for dealing with depression. This sounds weird but I honestly believe that I am still overcoming depression because for me it keeps me humble and focus on God. I can't pride myself when I have great days (which is more often than my less) because I know that God is my source, he's the reason behind it, he is my strength, my peace, my refuge. There are some struggles that God will keep you in because in it you discover the depth of Him. (Disclaimer: Notice I said struggles and not sin. God is HOLY no sin that he has clearly called you out of ex: fornication, witchcraft, homosexuality, idolatry, drunkenness etc...he will tell you to remain in (-_-) don't play games).

4. I am not "Happy", I am JOYFUL. There is a huge difference. You see Beloved happiness is circumstantial, it depends on the situation, on the people involved, and on feelings. This is why someone/something can "ruin your mood". No sir. Not for me. Joy is my inheritance. It's not dependent on me it is secured in Christ. No one can rob me of my joy, because no one can rob God. You can delay the glory that YOU give Him, but he ultimately will get all of the glory. Am I always happy? No. Am I always joyful? Yes! because God is.

5. Joy is a choice. It begins with choosing Christ to be your Savior. You see I have had bad days, and those ladies I've chosen to be accountable to know that these days can be rough. But Ive learn that I can choose to reach out for prayer or choose to stay in that place. I can choose to stir myself up & remind myself of the promises of God or mope around with some demons and their lies. The joy that people see in me is a choice that I make in the morning to believe that God has me in the palm of his hands. A choice to believe that the plans that he has for me for that day are plans to prosper me and not too cause me harm. My joy comes from the knowledge that when I am spent and done, God is right there saying tag me in.

To those of you dealing with depression and don't know Christ: I wish I could give you a hug and look you in the face and tell you, you are not alone. I've been there, and we are in this together. God knows, and understands. Seek his face right now. Then reach out to someone. A lone sheep is the focus target of the enemy, but the thing worth shouting for and crying over is that, God is the shepherd that leaves the 99 to find the 1 lost. He's looking for you.

To those dealing with depression as Christians: Keep going, keep believing, keep enduring. God is using this in our lives for a reason. You may not understand the why but trust the WHO. The great I AM goes before you claiming the victory. Release that testimony and put down your shields of "perfect, I got it together". No you don't if you did you wouldn't need Christ. God wants to use this to touch and reach someone. This was what I was convicted about and it's the reason this blog is being written.

To those with loved ones dealing with depression: Stop expecting an explanation, a reason and just be available.  Most importantly pray, pray, pray. Depression makes no sense, and often times those in its clutches don't know how to put into words the vastness of the emptiness. Words are exhausting. Release them of that responsibility of giving you a reason and instead intercede on their behalf. What helped me the most on my journey weren't the people demanding an answer but those who were quietly there expecting nothing. They let me be but made it evident that I could depend on them to help me step out and kept me upright when my knees buckled and my feet faltered. Your presence more than your words will speak louder. 

Beloved Rise,

One of my Beautiful sisters who saw me in that season

 

Don't Leave me Here

"Poem by: Joseph Solomon from @chasegodtv"

To say I can completely relate to this poem would be an understatement. To act as if doubt hasn't been that unwanted friend that I willingly entertained for so long would be a lie. At one point in my life it was my constant companion, weighing in on every decision I made, creating landscapes from my fear and uncertainty. Daily I have to choose to leave the comforts of doubt to follow the unexplored, certainty of faith in Christ. It's HARD y'all. I am not going to sit here and pretend I have figured out faith and what it means to live by faith through faith without a shadow of a doubt but I want to share and be real about the journey. God is faithful, the most patient, loving and constant force in my life. 

At one point in my life; I would say a good portion of my college career, I was Agnostic.

noun

1. a person who believes that nothing is known or can be known of the existence or nature of God or of anything beyond material phenomena; a person who claims neither faith nor disbelief in God.

synonyms: skeptic, doubter, cynic

I didn't flat out disbelieve God existed, I just doubted his sovereignty. I doubted if he was ENOUGH. I loved and still to this day enjoy studying religions, I also enjoy philosophy, sociology, the wrestling of the mind that it took when it came to studying ethics. Every religion had a semblance of truth and point blank I wasn't ready to pledge complete allegiance to the one true God, because 

1. I really didn't know what that looked like

2. God didn't make sense to my human intellect (that sounds really duhhh...but for me I had to get over a sense of pride, and myself in general)

3. I was afraid of what it meant to truly LIVE this thing out (i.e, what I had to give up, people's opinion, backlash from society)  

God didn't make sense to me. Living by faith wasn't tangible to me. I needed proof. I was sold out on the philosophy that everything I needed to get through this life existed from within, you've probably heard statement like "Look within, you have everything you need to succeed, search for  your dharma etc..." We think all of this is a new age philosophy but I now believe that it is the oldest. Isn't it interesting how in our world it's silly to think of a car sustaining itself without gas, or a tree without the sun/water, or even an animal without a food/energy source YET we believe that human beings is capable of sustaining itself through life while using everything else on Earth (outside themselves) in order to form a life.

All of creation proclaims of the existence of a CREATOR, but the most complex, unique, unexplainable creation of them all, us, constantly and consistently deny the ultimate goodness, existence, and sovereignty of Him. That was the mistake/belief that cause man to fall. That was the opening scene to doubt.

                                                                So what is doubt?? 

Doubt is defined by Webster as:

verb 

1. To lack confidence in; distrust; to be uncertain

2. Uncertainty of belief or opinion that often interferes with decision-making; uncertainty, hesitation, to waver, lack of conviction

Archaic: to suspect, fear  

Etymology which is the study of the origin of words and the way in which their meaning have changed throughout history reveals that doubt originate from the Latin word "dubitare'  meaning to question, to waver in opinion, (related to dubius) which originally meant "to have to choose between two things"

Opening Scene of Doubt: The Fall of Man 

Gen 2: 15-17 God's Command

Gen 3: 1-7 satan Interpretation

  

From these few passage two main things stood out to me that genuinely blew my mind.

1. What God said: "You may surely eat of every tree of the garden but...."

      - When God speaks it is affirming, positive (may surely), there is a sense/feeling of abundance that is                balance with instruction and warning of consequences.

2. What the enemy says to deceive: "Did God actually say, you shall not eat of any tree in the garden?..."

      - Creates a feeling of lack/deprivation, as if you are missing out on something.

      - A subtle twist of truth (every vs. any)

In a moment fear entered Eve heart, in a second doubt invaded the walls of her mind. Eve wavered; she questioned the goodness, power, omniscience of God. She entertained the idea that apart from Him, she could sustain herself. 

She lost focus and faith on the Goodness of God which led her to fall prey to the lies of the enemy.

Message in the Mess 

1. The enemy will always work  on our insecurities really trying to exacerbate or make them more important than they really are, instilling fear or a feeling of lack.

     - There is NOTHING better outside the will of God  1 Cor 2:9

2. Doubt begins with a little that makes us question God's sovereignty, goodness, and authority/will in regards to our life.

   - Learn to identify those little lies/negative thoughts and confront them with the truth of God. 2 Cor 10: 4-5 

3. Don't make a decision off of fear (High Emotions)

4. Don't focus on your lacks, focus on the affirmation/instruction of God.

      - God is not a dictator, and he's not trying to keep you from more. He is protecting you from destruction,          usually self-inflicted.

You will never be left in the valley of doubt, but eventually you have to look up to the Light. I know this is one of my heavier blogs, but it is my heartfelt prayer to reach to that one person who was like me, not sold on loving Christ for real for whatever reason but feeling the tug to explore a little deeper. Explore for yourself Beloved he will encounter you and that moment will forever change you.

Beloved Rise,

(Pics of my most recent leap of faith)

"Help I've Fallen and Can't Get Up"

Pregnancy. A powerful time where the intimacy, energy of two people meet and spark life. In one moment planned or not, life begins, an essence begins its journey to being a complete independent being. Cells gather and unite and become tissues, tissues into organs, organs into a system, slowly, consistently pieces stitch together to create a being not like any other in this world. A unique masterpiece, woven together by the Creator. Isn't it amazing?? Simply awe-aspiring to think of how we all came to be from something as small as a peanut. For me pregnancy is one of the most beautiful testimonies of God's power and love for us. Not one of us is the same genetically, we are all made different and special. What love!!

Birth. I would say that it's our first, real traumatic experience in life and our first deep covenant. I think that it's a gift from God that we don't remember that journey, but those moments I believe from labor to delivery are prophetic. When a woman's body is prepared to bring forth life, typically her water breaks. She recognizes the beginning stages when pain starts and all waters break loose (pun intended---=D). As many books as she may have read, nothing can really prepare her for this, nothing can prepare you for that moment when your life changes. Pain---consistent, increasing, piercing, yet purposeful occurs because from it a beautiful being is going to come to be so you endure, and push through (Literally....)

Then after one exhaustive push, there is a release, a quiet stillness, and then..... a cry. In that moment, through blood, a covenant is made. If you have had the blessing of being born to a loving mother/parents, Praise God!! You formed a covenant with someone who has made it their life mission to protect, care, nurture, and love you. No matter the argument, problem, situation remember that. If you are adopted that covenant still stands but that day you were not only borne from a woman's body but a mother's prayer. That is a gift. If you lost your mother, I am so so sorry for your loss, but I want to let you know that you were never left alone. God had charge angels to be with you every step of the way, but most importantly HE never left or forsake you. Through it all He was always there.

Let's fast forward a couple of months. This baby who was once an essence, formed by God in its mother's womb is active, curious, confident in its parent's love, and daring in their exploration of the world. After experimenting with rolling over, bouncing in place, crawling at the speed of light, he feels the urge to stand. Slowly, tentatively he reaches for support and grabs hold of one of the steadiest thing that he can place his hands on and pulls himself up. After a couple try of this standing up adventure, he gets bold enough to let go and very quickly plops back down on the surface. As weeks and months go by so does the length of unassisted stands.

One day there comes the courage and desire to take a couple of steps. After the tentative first one, to the absolute glee of your doting parents, there is a second and third and maybe even a fourth and then all of a sudden you lose your balance and fall HARD. That fall was a surprise and it hurt. You cry and scream, begging to be comforted by a loving hand. You reach out to someone and quickly you are brought close and comforted and reassured that everything will be all right.

After being comforted you remember the feeling of standing on your own. All though it hurt the first couple of times, you keep getting up and trying again, and again, and again, until FINALLY!!! you have a consistent walk.

This is for me a beautiful illustration of our Christian walk with our Heavenly Father.

From the beginning God knew YOU. The Bible says in Psalm 139:13-16 "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." Isn't that beautiful and so moving to know that before you took your first breath of life on this Earth, before your mother or father knew of your very existence, GOD LOVED YOU. Not only that he was planning a life for you, a beautiful one and you had to do nothing to earn it. You've probably heard of the verse, Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for good and not evil, to give you a future and a hope".

v  So no matter what season you are in, single, waiting for a specific prayer consider that you are being prepared, molded, knitted together. Be encouraged, allow God to not only wreck your heart but mend it as well. Be still let God BE God. Surrender.

 When you came to the Kingdom, all of Heaven rejoiced. Angels danced and sang. Our Heavenly Father smiled and said welcome home. For me that moment was almost two years ago!! I thought FINALLY!! I have arrived, my eyes are now open then.........reality hit and I realized that figuratively my water was finally broken, the hard work, struggle, crying, screaming, and pushing aspect had began. The Bible says in Romans 5: 2-4 "Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" I don't know where I got the illusion that walking with God was going to be easy because in all honesty it's not. It hurts to die to your flesh daily, your pride has to be swallowed plenty of times, your will surrendered, your trust, patience, strength tested, and your fears overcome. Not only that, if I can just be real it's lonely standing apart from a culture that glorifies everything that God HATES, i.e murder, sexual immorality, gossiping, idolatry, hypocrisy and on and on it goes. Yet walking this journey is so worthwhile, the yolk is easy to bear because he first carried it.

v  If you have an illusion that this walk should be easy...please drop that like it's a handful of ravenous snakes. This walk should challenge you. A large part of this walk is the fact that God will test you, strip you, in order to mold you. He wants you to produce fruits. So don't run from being tested, embrace it, seek God's face about everything, spend quality time with him, and when the tests, pain, suffering come recognize it for what it is. A test and then PASS. You won't know the material, if you don't spend time studying the word or listening to the teacher.

As a parent you expect your child to hit certain milestones after they are born. If they don't you worry and quickly seek out the expertise of a specialist. It's the SAME THING with God, only difference is he is the expert =D. There is an expectation that as you walk with God there is a maturity that happens, growth that happens. The word says in 1 Corinthians 13:11 "When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways." Honestly there is a point where we need to grow up in our walk with God, we shouldn't be in the same place, dealing with the same temptation months after months. In order to do so our mind has to be transformed.

v  Guarding those gates is now your mission. You can't really grow and mature in your faith and in your walk if you are letting anyone and anything plant seeds in your heart. Study the Word of God, when you come to the Father our minds, history, past is not all of sudden wiped away. Our guilt from it does, but our mind has to undergo changes. So refrain from watching, reading, or listening to anything that isn't pleasing to God or beneficial for your growth (i.e. shows, music, sex/romance novels), especially during the beginning stages. Just like a child/toddler what you see, hear, and watch is what you'll repeat and live.

Finally as we begin to explore who we are in God and start doing visible things that label us as "good Christians" we can have moments of pride. Let me just remind you and myself quickly that without Jesus we are nothing and could do nothing of merit. It sounds a bit harsh but it's the truth, Titus 3:5 "He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit" for in truth "all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God," Romans 3:23. No one can boast of their own righteousness because it, salvation, grace, and mercy are all gifts from God.

v  So humble yourselves before you wreck yourself. Never get into the mindset that you are living this thing out of your own strength or ability.

If you have fallen, please reach out to God. Let him comfort you, clean you off. Repent as for forgiveness, turn towards him instead of hiding. Because just like a parent of a fallen child, God does not love you any less because you fell. He is right there waiting for you. Don't hide and continue to backslide. Seek his face, accountability, positive fellowship, and when God has moved and spoken take another step.

Love y'all,

Heather Lindsey- Pregnant with Purpose

"Heather Lindsey is the founder of an awesome organization/movement that I am proud to be a part of known as Pinky Promise. Check it out!!

Pinky Promise & Heatherlindsey.blogspot.com