Accidental Revelation

The Summer of my Junior Year in Undergrad I was in a big car accident. It wasn't a major accident where lives were lost but it was big enough that I was shaken and petrified of ever driving again for a long time. That summer was the beginning of God acquiring my full attention.

The Moment

My summer class had just ended and I was being picked up by my then boyfriend.... (a pretty significant part of my testimony for a later date) and I convinced him to let me drive home. At that point I had my license for 2-3 years but I rarely drove because the BF drove me everywhere (something I realize now was just another unhealthy component of our relationship). I rarely went anywhere unless he was with me. Had some serious issues with being alone.

We hopped on the highway which for me is the most petrifying part and everything was going pretty well. I was feeling pretty confident and I begin to switch lanes. All though I've had my licence for almost 3 years at that point I still felt like a newbie driver and I was repeatedly triple checking my mirrors. As I was moving from the slow lane to the middle lane, at the last minute the driver that was coming up in that lane decided he didn't want to let me pass and sped up. Before I realize what happen he was in my blind spot and I was already switching. The BF saw this and grab the wheel......not before I side swipe the other car causing glass to explode. I freak out and froze with my foot on the gas and hit the guard rail which cause us to spin. In an attempt to stop I press both feet on he brake and we end stopping hard all the way in the FAST lane facing towards traffic. It's easy to recognize God's protective hand in a situation like that when you've survived.... 

You know that moment everyone speaks about, that moment when your life flashes before your eyes cause by the realization that you just might die today..... YA I didn't have it. In fact I actually had the opposite. I had a moment where all I could think of was eternity, what came after and I had a moment of complete cold dread. In that moment I realized that I truly didn't know where my eternity would be.

That moment scared me.

Revelation

In that moment I had complete clarity, my eyes were open, and ears were finally clear to hear the gentle call of The Lord on my heart. Some may put this in the category of temporary insanity due to extreme circumstances but in all honesty it was much bigger than that simple explanation. I learn some things that day.

1.      Death does not respect any man, no matter the age, race, gender, education level, dreams, aspirations or whatever else we use to call it unfair.

2.      A moment of clarity/revelation will remain only a moment if we choose to let our lives stay the same (Note: Took me 4 months to surrender to Christ after that moment and another to trust Him with my life)

3.      God never stops trying to reach you in the midst of our hot mess, there is hope as long as we are alive but we truly never know when it will be our last.

4.      Sin is temporarily filling but eternally devastating. Comfortable sin is like a silent noose slowly tightening around our necks.

5.      We are as CLOSE to God right now as we CHOOSE to be.

The last revelation really hit me hard recently. Can I be complete transparent and confess something?? I have a HARD time trusting GOD. It's a struggle for me to spend intimate alone time with him because it makes me feel so vulnerable. I realize that I have had a poisonous wall, engulfed by acid vapors surrounding my heart for a long time...and yes I had to be that descriptive. Not only that but for  long time I had a very well designed facade of a perfect Christian that I use in order to avoid getting any deeper than the superficial level. Sometimes it feels like my heart is left completely in the open, bare for anyone to see. To see all the bruises, cracks, and shallow areas.

God is the most intimate love I have ever had because He is not satisfied with the shallow area that I offer to Him when I am afraid. He wants more of me and he refuses to relent until my heart is His in totality. Yet he is so patient and loving..never forcing me to go anywhere that I am not ready to go. Waiting for me to let go so HE can go deeper, removing all the junk I have acquired living in this fallen world, healing all those festering wounds that I try to cover with bandages, showing me things that I could never imagined, and all the while showing himself everyday to be worthy of my TRUST. Isn't it crazy??! me who is completely unworthy.... is being courted by the Almighty God??  Who promises to be there for me through it all, to give me more joy, peace, love, purpose and protection than I can ever imagine, to love me and show me who I truly am, to fight my battles and provide for me and all I have to do is live a life of surrender body, mind, spirit, and soul.  

What's crazy to me is how much we take this offer, his grace and mercy for granted. While there are men, women, and children being persecuted, beaten, even murdered around the world for their faith and desire for God's word we tend to have so much apathy and excuses.  Paul Walker, an actor most notably known for his role in Fast & Furious was killed in a car accident. I was told this by a fellow coworker and when she first told me I can honestly say that I had no idea who she was referring to. When I finally saw his picture I was able to connect a feeling to the face because one he was pretty handsome and two I was familiar with his movies. Shallow but honest. I am sad that someone lost a son, brother, father, friend yesterday. I pray that his soul is a rest with our Heavenly Father. But his picture and recent death stirred something deeper and more specific in me, a conviction. It reminded me that life is so fleeting, that in a moment it could all be gone. It also made me realize that for me when the end comes I want to know without  shadow of a doubt where my eternity lies.

Is your life a testimony of his love and sacrifice? Are you free from the fear of death?

Love y'all,

I Surrender- Hillsong

"This Little Light of Mine"

Do you guys remember this little hymn we used to sing as children? A song full of innocence,  and joy yet filled with promise of living a life that can only be described as pleasing to God... What happen to those children I wonder? Some of you might answer LIFE...life is what happen. No one can truly deny that living in this dark and fallen world we are bound to have our fair share of pain, heartache, trauma, and so much more... and in no way am I saying that what you may have endured didn't hurt or that you don't have the right to have moments where you reflect.....BUT when it comes down to the nitty gritty of it all YOU SURVIVED to let the little light  in you shine!! So many of us are ashamed of that light, if we are truly honest with ourselves we sometimes think that living in DARKNESS is easier. Our flesh would have us believe that the darkness is more fulfilling, that living holy and righteously is tooo hard but that is such a lie. 

If it was the truth we wouldn't have that feeling like something is missing when we are living "happily" in our sin, or have this HUGE void in our hearts that seem to be impossible to fill no matter how many things we buy, relationships we have, alcohol/drug that we consume.

So what then..... What should I do?

If you have heard and accepted the word of God and have fallen away

REPENT. Turn back to God. 

Don't Hide in your guilt, allow God to clean you up and make a decision to

grow to a place where you let your light shine!!

 This little light of mine
I'm going to let it shine
Oh, this little light of mine
I'm going to let it shine

Hallelujah
This little light of mine
I'm going to let it shine
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

(CHORUS)

Ev'ry where I go
I'm going to let it shine
Oh, ev'ry where I go
I'm going to let it shine

Out in the dark
I'm going to let it shine
Oh, out in the dark
I'm going to let it shine

For those of still on the fence...hear me out

"Jenny you are always happy", "You must not have any problems, what problems you have to complain about.... "I swear you live in world where all you see is rainbows and shiny things"...... I am told these statements throughout my day basically everyday, Jenny you have no problems that's why you are always happy----ummmm reality check, EVERYONE has problems, problems are not partial to color, height, race or whatever else........and one life lesson I've learned is that often time the ones who smile the brightest have gone through the darkest times. Don't be fooled, or make assumptions from what can only be seen on the surface. The only difference between me and anyone else is that approximately 2 years ago I made a choice.

"My Joy will not be situational, it will be spiritual"

My joy is not dependent on me or the things around me but on the only constant fixture, aspect, component, relationship of my whole life---Jesus Christ.

Getting to a place where I can consistently live this out was not easy and still isn't, GOD only knows how many days I struggle to even get out of bed, let alone do something productive. Some days my bed feels like my only friend, my pillow my only confidant, and sleep my only escape. On those days I remember a truth that resonates in every fiber of my being, I remember that someone died that my light would shine, someone suffered so that I could rise, bled so I could be free to LIVE beyond darkness,  resurrected so that I could stand among the depraved, lost, depressed with confidence and speak of the goodness of knowing that someone who has promise to never leave or forsake me in the midst of it all.

I slowly come to the realization everyday that my light is not for me. A candle does not shine for its own desire but to illuminate the darkness for someone else. When I begin to truly live on fire for Christ I realize how big of an oxymoron it is to live a life of a "Depressed & Scared Christian", especially when we know the author of Joy, love, and peace. So if you are in a place where you are afraid to let your light shine or are in a state of mind where the idea of joy is foreign let me to encourage you and give you some tips that's helped me.

Sunshine Tips

v  Joy is a choice that begins with surrender to the only person that can make you happy no matter the season--Jesus Christ.

- Anything else is a temporary substitute, develop a true relationship with the savior and discover a hidden joy that simply is unexplainable.

v  Guard the gates of your heart, you can't desire joy when you listen to chaos, surround yourself in sadness. (Proverbs 4:23)

- Watch what you listen to consistently (music, news, shows)

- Be attentive to what you read

- Are your friends always negative??

v  Happy food choices = Happy Person

- Food has an influence on how you feel, if you eat crap all the time you will feel awful.

v  Head to Toe Praise

- Recently discovered that when I intentionally find things to be thankful for by the time I reach the 5th or 6th item, I am smiling. So starting from the top of your head just start being thankful for it and move your way down i.e (sound mind, creative thoughts, eyesight, nose to smell beauty/danger, taste buds to taste favorite foods).

v  Treasure Trek

- Discover the treasure that is YOU. Do something that brings you joy? If you think that currently in your life there is nothing start small. There is joy in discovering who you are and recognizing that you  have the power to change.

v  Surround yourself with positive, genuine, happy people and observe their language.

- Life and death lies in the power of the tongue....what you speak becomes your reality.  

v  Baby laughter, funny videos with animals, childhood favorite movies, Disney songs.

- Specific to me these are just a few of my favorite things (hehe, movie reference intentional.....hug if you figured out what movie =D)

You are loved, special, one of a kind, a masterpiece created by the King. There is no one like you in this whole world. He made no mistake when he created, no matter what you've heard, or who's told you otherwise YOU ARE NO MISTAKE. The Creator of the Heaven and Earth rejoiced when you took your first breath on this earth, he smiled when you first laugh as a child, and while you sleep he continues to prepare a marvelous plan for your life, a plan to prosper you not to harm you. He desires an intimate relationship with you, where you can rest in Him because he's promise never to leave you or forsake you, to walk with you through every season of your life, give you love, peace, joy that can't be shaken by any storm in your life.....but you have to CHOOSE. Follow Jesus Christ, I've been on this journey with Him and I wouldn't trade it for anything of this world. Cliche but in all honesty fallen in love with God is the BEST thing I've ever done in my life. Everything of /inthis world will disappear, the only thing that you can TRUST is that God is and will always BE all that he says He is+

Love y'all,

xoxo

My Love Letter

Dear You,

I have no idea who you are, where you come from, where you've been, or what you've gone through. I have never seen your face, sat in your presence, heard you speak, enjoyed the sound of your laughter, yet I know that you are the answer to one of my most intimate prayers, a silent missing beat in my heart, the ONE I was designed to walk this journey with. You are a pleasant thought that causes me to smile unexpectedly, a desire so powerful that I know that when we do finally meet my heart will beat rapidly. You are a prayer worth developing for, praying for, and most importantly waiting for. You are imperfectly you on a quest to be a living representation of Him.

You are my King.

When I was lost in the world, dead in my sin, alive in my lust and separated from our Father, Christ found me broken, dirty and afraid. Terrified that I was no longer worthy, worthy to someday be called your wife because I believed the LIE "he" whispered to me that I was no longer Daughter of the Most High, precious, holy, set apart, the apple of his eye.

Ashamed I hid.

For awhile I hid lost in the crevices of my mind, a victim to my pity, a prisoner in an open cage, a slave holding the key to my shackles.

I didn't understand the cost of my freedom, the depth of the sacrifice of Christ, the significance and power that lied in his resurrection. Yet through it all HE was patient with me. He loved me through my brokenness, nurtured me through my weakness, guarded me through my falls. In those moments grace and mercy embraced me, in those moments SURRENDER in its truest form became real to me....

CHRIST is my Savior.

I say all of this to make clear that my heart, soul, spirit and mind are no longer mine. They were bought at a HIGH price that could only be paid by Christ. To discover me you must know Him. I write this to you as a notification that my love for you is fueled by my love for Christ, the love that I continue to learn in this season of singleness. There is no compromise when it comes to the foundation of our love, because there is only one ROCK that I stand on. One that I know that you will push me closer to because....

You are my priest

As I patiently wait for you, guarding my heart because from it flows the springs of life (Proverbs 4:23), protecting my body because from it we'll carry the seed of our legacy, becoming a woman worthy of your trust, innovative, hardworking, resourceful, cloth in strength, grace, wisdom, and dignity, (Proverbs 31) a helpmeet in this partnership for the Kingdom know that I am overjoyed!!! for your life. For I was designed to be ONE flesh with you, to guard your heart as your rib, to share stories with you, to create memories with you, to guide little footprints in the sand. To share highs and lows, to be there in sickness and health. I am excited to discover and walk into this beautiful love story with you created by our Abba. Till then I continue to rest in His hand, picturing occasionally the face I've yet to see, the presence I've yet to feel, the laughter I've yet to hear, from the man I am growing to LOVE.

Prayerfully,

Inspired By: "I Will Wait for You" P4CM Janette

Photographed By: Marceline Vilmont www.marcelinev.tumblr.com

  

Beloved: Whisper to a Lonely Heart

I remember a time when I truly believe that I was unlovable. I believed that love was a theory that alluded me every time I thought I came close to getting it. I remember that burning desire to just be understood, to hear someone say "I get it, you are not alone". Most importantly I remember that ever growing void in my heart that I tried to avoid, but that quickly swallowed me in it's lonely and dark embrace.

Have you ever felt this way? Felt alone in a crowded room? Like the puzzle that just couldn't fit? Center of attention but truly a hidden misery? One of the songs that I completely related to during that season of my life was Track of my Tears by Smokey Robinson (I am an oldie at heart =D) The beginning of the song says:

 "People say I'm the life of the party cause I tell a joke or two

All though I might be laughing loud and hearty, deep inside I'm blue

So take a good look at my face, you see my smile look out of place

if you look closer it's easy to trace the track of my tears"

These resonated so loudly with me. I was SO sick of living this double life, a life that outwardly seemed so beautiful but on the inside I was simply broken pieces taped together.

Then in the midst of all this chaos of emotions just when I just thought that I could not take another breath I heard deep inside a soft, loving voice whisper into my spirit

Beloved

The stillness silenced me and stop me right in my tracks, and I wondered "Am I going CRAZY??" Then again I heard so gently,

 " Beloved, come back to me"

I slowly began to realize that I was hearing the voice that I have been trying to silence for awhile, a voice that has been patiently waiting for me to listen, a voice that has been seeing all of my turmoil and pain and have been waiting for me to turn to His loving embrace. If you still haven't figured out the voice that I am talking of its, God, The great I AM, the Alpha and Omega, the Creator of all. This is what He said to me:

"Beloved I have watched as you have cried yourself to sleep, I have witness the moments where you considered your life to be nothing. And through it all I have never left your side. I have been waiting for you to return to me. Don't you understand how much you mean to me, how much I care for you, how much I love you. I sent my son Jesus Christ to die for you, to suffer, to be beaten and humiliated all so you can have LIFE and a relationship with me. A relationship where you are provided for and giving freedom to roll your cares to me. You are so precious to me, I took the time to create you, to give you a purpose. This is not what I want for you, this sadness, this emptiness is not of ME, it is what life without me feels like. I am the giver of life, peace, joy. I understand it all, all of those hidden pain in your heart I see it all.  Don't hide from me, return to me.....

Beloved come back home"

There aren't no words that can explain the relief that I felt. No words that can encompass the feeling of COMPLETE, UNCONDITIONAL love that I felt. How amaze was I to hear, know that the creator of the Heavens cared about little old me. That he cared about my pains and hurts. It felt like a burden was removed when I open my heart back to the One who made it. I don't know who this is for, or what you are going through now. I don't know the pains that you have endured, and the experiences that you have survived. What I do know is that your Heavenly Father misses you and the void in your life and in your heart can only be filled by Him. He is waiting patiently for YOU, just like he waited for me. So surrender, stop fighting aren't you just TIRED? I know I was.

Confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that Jesus Christ DIED for you, that he was crucified, and that on the third day he rose again with all power in his hand. Say it, "Jesus I believe that you are the Son of God. I believe you are my King, the Christ who died on the cross for me and rose again. I believe that you are alive and you are interceding on my behalf. Right now I ask that you forgive me for my sins and come to sit as the King of my heart and life" If you have made this confession, CONGRATS!! welcome to the Kingdom, to the body of Christ your journey has just begun. I hope my blog can be a help to you. If you did not feel ready for this confession I pray that your heart is softened and fear is cast not. Don't wait to return to His Love

Love y'all,