Here for a Little While....

I've been having for the past few days what could be considered by the average world to be a really morbid thought. I find it creeping up once in a while in my most quiet & intimate time. Moments where my spirit is still and my mind is at rest. I get this overwhelming sense that I am here on this Earth for only a little while.

No...I am not deathly sick & no I am not suicidal (all though that is part of my testimony).... I realize that by and by I am becoming more Kingdom minded, more Heavenly focus. I have given up my citizenship to this world, I have revoke my allegiance to the normal way of living/thinking and have accepted that I will always be a stranger in this place. A temporary visitor on assignment.

I remember the first time I flew on a plane to come to America. I was 8 years old, I can't say I really understood what it meant to be on that plane, in my childlike innocence this was just an adventure. I didn't realize that America would now be my home, I didn't know that my life as I knew it in Haiti was over. I remember being so nervous because not only was it going to be my first time on a plane but I would also be flying by myself. That trip was the first time I ever felt like a foreigner. Not everyone spoke the same language as me on that plane, my whole life I was surrounded by people who look like me, spoke like me, and for the most part in my childlike mind thought like me. During that moment I realize that life/ the world was bigger than my little sphere of knowledge. It was an end to what was comfortable for me and an expansion to something that would be better for me. Looking back now I realize that this experience was a character forming moment. From that moment I would have multiple experiences where I felt like I just didn't fit in which I'll share in another blog. But just like that plane ride was leading me away from what I knew it was bringing me to a new place. Death can be viewed like that plane ride.

Death is the beginning of life in a different form. It's interesting to me how we don't mourn the end of pregnancy but we celebrate it, anticipate for it, prepare for it. In fact we so look forward to it that we have created apps that help us countdown to the inevitable. How awesome would it be if we mature to a place as believers/people where instead of fearing death, fighting to avoid it, to the point that we ignore it. We rejoice because Jesus conquered death. Due to his victory it is no longer something to fear but something that we can anticipate with excitement. Our death will be an end to our pain, suffering, persecution, trials, and all that we knew of here on Earth but it will also be our birthday in Heaven. Just like a baby stayed in the womb for only a little while and at the appointed time was received in the world so should we look forward to and plan for the day where we have a new birthday.

Dear Abba,

Thank you for placing eternity in my heart. Thank you for always reminding me that the pain that I endure each day is for a greater purpose but most importantly will only last for a little while. Daddy help me not to get lost in the busyness and fleeting things of this world. Help me to trust your process in this journey. Remind me daily that death is not the only the end of what I know but the beginning of more than I could ever imagine. Etch your presence into my very being so when I fear or doubt, I am reminded that you promised to never leave or forsake me. I pray Lord that my fellow brothers and sisters become so eternally focus that they realize that each second on this Earth is an opportunity to grow in love which lasts for Eternity because YOU are LOVE. Amen  

Beloved Rise,

Accidental Revelation

The Summer of my Junior Year in Undergrad I was in a big car accident. It wasn't a major accident where lives were lost but it was big enough that I was shaken and petrified of ever driving again for a long time. That summer was the beginning of God acquiring my full attention.

The Moment

My summer class had just ended and I was being picked up by my then boyfriend.... (a pretty significant part of my testimony for a later date) and I convinced him to let me drive home. At that point I had my license for 2-3 years but I rarely drove because the BF drove me everywhere (something I realize now was just another unhealthy component of our relationship). I rarely went anywhere unless he was with me. Had some serious issues with being alone.

We hopped on the highway which for me is the most petrifying part and everything was going pretty well. I was feeling pretty confident and I begin to switch lanes. All though I've had my licence for almost 3 years at that point I still felt like a newbie driver and I was repeatedly triple checking my mirrors. As I was moving from the slow lane to the middle lane, at the last minute the driver that was coming up in that lane decided he didn't want to let me pass and sped up. Before I realize what happen he was in my blind spot and I was already switching. The BF saw this and grab the wheel......not before I side swipe the other car causing glass to explode. I freak out and froze with my foot on the gas and hit the guard rail which cause us to spin. In an attempt to stop I press both feet on he brake and we end stopping hard all the way in the FAST lane facing towards traffic. It's easy to recognize God's protective hand in a situation like that when you've survived.... 

You know that moment everyone speaks about, that moment when your life flashes before your eyes cause by the realization that you just might die today..... YA I didn't have it. In fact I actually had the opposite. I had a moment where all I could think of was eternity, what came after and I had a moment of complete cold dread. In that moment I realized that I truly didn't know where my eternity would be.

That moment scared me.

Revelation

In that moment I had complete clarity, my eyes were open, and ears were finally clear to hear the gentle call of The Lord on my heart. Some may put this in the category of temporary insanity due to extreme circumstances but in all honesty it was much bigger than that simple explanation. I learn some things that day.

1.      Death does not respect any man, no matter the age, race, gender, education level, dreams, aspirations or whatever else we use to call it unfair.

2.      A moment of clarity/revelation will remain only a moment if we choose to let our lives stay the same (Note: Took me 4 months to surrender to Christ after that moment and another to trust Him with my life)

3.      God never stops trying to reach you in the midst of our hot mess, there is hope as long as we are alive but we truly never know when it will be our last.

4.      Sin is temporarily filling but eternally devastating. Comfortable sin is like a silent noose slowly tightening around our necks.

5.      We are as CLOSE to God right now as we CHOOSE to be.

The last revelation really hit me hard recently. Can I be complete transparent and confess something?? I have a HARD time trusting GOD. It's a struggle for me to spend intimate alone time with him because it makes me feel so vulnerable. I realize that I have had a poisonous wall, engulfed by acid vapors surrounding my heart for a long time...and yes I had to be that descriptive. Not only that but for  long time I had a very well designed facade of a perfect Christian that I use in order to avoid getting any deeper than the superficial level. Sometimes it feels like my heart is left completely in the open, bare for anyone to see. To see all the bruises, cracks, and shallow areas.

God is the most intimate love I have ever had because He is not satisfied with the shallow area that I offer to Him when I am afraid. He wants more of me and he refuses to relent until my heart is His in totality. Yet he is so patient and loving..never forcing me to go anywhere that I am not ready to go. Waiting for me to let go so HE can go deeper, removing all the junk I have acquired living in this fallen world, healing all those festering wounds that I try to cover with bandages, showing me things that I could never imagined, and all the while showing himself everyday to be worthy of my TRUST. Isn't it crazy??! me who is completely unworthy.... is being courted by the Almighty God??  Who promises to be there for me through it all, to give me more joy, peace, love, purpose and protection than I can ever imagine, to love me and show me who I truly am, to fight my battles and provide for me and all I have to do is live a life of surrender body, mind, spirit, and soul.  

What's crazy to me is how much we take this offer, his grace and mercy for granted. While there are men, women, and children being persecuted, beaten, even murdered around the world for their faith and desire for God's word we tend to have so much apathy and excuses.  Paul Walker, an actor most notably known for his role in Fast & Furious was killed in a car accident. I was told this by a fellow coworker and when she first told me I can honestly say that I had no idea who she was referring to. When I finally saw his picture I was able to connect a feeling to the face because one he was pretty handsome and two I was familiar with his movies. Shallow but honest. I am sad that someone lost a son, brother, father, friend yesterday. I pray that his soul is a rest with our Heavenly Father. But his picture and recent death stirred something deeper and more specific in me, a conviction. It reminded me that life is so fleeting, that in a moment it could all be gone. It also made me realize that for me when the end comes I want to know without  shadow of a doubt where my eternity lies.

Is your life a testimony of his love and sacrifice? Are you free from the fear of death?

Love y'all,

I Surrender- Hillsong