Road Less Traveled

I was traveling on this road filled with haze...you know that haze that happens when the sun's heat beats on the Earth soo much that it releases tears that turn into that dreamy steam. Well on this road I saw a couple of travelers different height, size, shape, color, age, male, and female, and some I couldn't really tell...all going different directions, all clothe in varying degree of shabbiness and filth, all on the same road. Oddly enough these travelers different in every way contained the same look on their faces. This puzzled me so much that I stopped. I shuddered and wondered did I have that same look? It was a look of pure torment. They all seem lost in a silent battle, eyes lost in a horror that only they could see. Aimlessly they moved but as I looked deeper I realized that something was pulling them deeper into the haze. I saw a weariness, a weariness that was slowly seeping the vibrancy of life from them.

I felt that weariness....I knew that weariness....I felt the tug drawing me deeper into that haze...I guess I did look like them. 

     Gosh I wanted something else....

At the corner of my eye I catch sight of a bright color red. I look up and see a young woman, she has a radiant smile, a joy and peace about her that seem to be contagious. She is heading the other way, pointing to a road less traveled. She attempts to capture the attention of any traveler she comes into contact with convincing them to walk with her...I stared, slowly our eyes connect. She joyously runs towards me and takes me by the hand. That touch felt warm, I didn't realize how cold I was.

She begins to tell me about The Man who will meet me at the beginning of my journey. He would change my life, give me a new hope and purpose. She told me how much he loved me, how much he has been pursuing me. She told that if I accept to walk with Him he promises to never leave or forsake me, promise me a joy that can't be taken. I listened and something entered my heart, hope. I wanted to meet Him.

So I followed her.

The closer we came to this road, the more I wanted to know about Him. The more I wanted to know about this King who came as man to save me from bondage, from a death that I rightly deserve, to pay the price I could never pay. What would I say? What should I do when I meet Him?

Suddenly I was bombarded by thoughts

"Why would he want to see me?"

"He's too good to be true, can he really give me all these things"

"I am not worthy"

"I am a hot mess, he wouldn't want to meet me"

"Maybe I can wait until I am more presentable to meet Him"

Just when I had convinced myself that it would be better to wait to meet him. Just before choosing to completely turn around I look up and I saw Him...in that moment every thought scattered, every fear was cast out, every sadness I've felt paled in comparison to the love I saw in His eyes. That love overwhelmed me so much I was rendered speechless. Silent, steady tears became my words. "You've found me" they said. He lifted his hands for an embrace...for a moment I hesitated.. I looked down at myself filthy, disheveled and I didn't want to make Him dirty, I try to pull at and fix myself quickly and the worst I looked. 

"Come" He said.

His voice drew my focus away from my state to the source of solution.

I don't know when my feet started to move, I don't know when urgency captured my heart turning it to a desperate run but what I knew was He was the answer for that huge void in me. I fell into His embrace and I clung to the source of life. That was the best Fall I've experienced.

"Welcome back my child, I have missed you, oh how I long for this reunion, how I long to hold you and free you from those burdens, I've sent so many to grab your  attention but today you have heard my voice. My Beloved Child"

A dam was released in me and those silent tears became heart wrenching groans. "I am home, my heart sing " there I stayed until slowly my tears abated and my hold loosened enough for me to let out my praise.

I am home.

(Part two to be continued...)

Dear Beloved,

To say this story was my plan would be a lie. It seemed to write itself as it flowed from my spirit. With every word I ministered to my own spirit. Every word brought me back to 3 almost 4 years ago. I remember feeling lost, aimless, weary, burdened, and so deep in darkness. I remember thinking that there must be more but unable to figure out what more was. I remember that moment when I recognize that I was on a road that leading to doom and many were on it with me.

I don't know how many people he sent my way to wake me up, to point me back to Him. I thank God that he kept sending people, that he continued to pursue me and place people and moments in my path that soften my heart to hear Him. I want to thank Heather Lindsey for being my lady in red that finally grabbed my attention to point me back to the road less traveled, back to Jesus. Her joy in Christ created a hunger in me for the same. I wanted it for myself.

This story reminded me of 3 main points.

1. I was once lost. I was once in a place where life had no meaning, no purpose. I was simply going through the motion, a copy of everyone else in the world. I can never be too proud to say that I was once covered in filth, I once was living a life of intentional sin, I was once God enemy but God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners Christ came and died for us (Romans 5:8)

2. Called to be a lady/men in red. Once we have discovered Christ we are each called to share that freedom with others. So many are lost, fighting a losing battle in their own strength all because Gods people are silent about who God is in their life. The joy, peace, love, power that we have in Christ should be so apparent that it draws people to His throne.

3. Choosing the road less traveled and encountering Jesus is part 1. When I was 16 I had my first encounter with Jesus. So much so that I made a decision to be baptized. I had that emotional response, that dam of release but my relationship with Him remained at the encounter. I didn't walk with Him, I didn't grow in Him in fact almost immediately I was blindsided by the world because I didn't grow roots. Beloved we must work out our salvation for whoever is of God hears the words of God. The reason why you do not hear them (His Truth) is that you are not of God. For if you abide in His word, you will truly be His disciples. You will know His voice and you will follow Him.

Beloved Rise,

Fear of a Woman

So I just experience a moment that has left me feeling a series of emotions, fear, anxiety, slight panic, and absolute RAGE. So much so I felt led to write this blog while sipping some tea to really just process it completely and just allow the Holy Spirit to calm my nerves.

I don't even know how to properly express the feelings I am experiencing right now. I think one of the main one that just automatically come to mind is, I am PISSED OFF. I am LIVID that I live in a world/ society where my safety is in jeopardy simply because I am a woman. I am upset because we live in a world where degrading women have become such a norm that we no longer blink an eye when it happens. I am furious because more and more often in every form of media woman are being shown less as human beings and more as human parts met to be pawed or handled...but mostly heartbroken at the message we are sending to our young girls and teaching our young boys. Fear is suppose to be my friend, blame is suppose to be my burden to bear...and tonight the idea of carrying either has left me infuriated and reflective.

The Moment

On my way home tonight from church, I rode the bus home. Within a few minutes of actually riding on the bus my phone died. I wasn't too concerned because the bus ride was 40 minutes long and depending on the bus driver the walk home never takes me more than 5 minutes. As I hot step my way home I realize that I had lock my key in my mothers car, and as I came closer to home I realize that the only person home was my mother who was most definitely in deep sleep. Rang the doorbell, no answer...knock on the door, no response. Now having a dead phone has become an issue.

I decided to find a place/ store where I could charge my phone and proceeded down the street. Almost immediately I was approached by a guy who offered me to just follow him to his house that was across the street where "I can hang out and watch TV while my phone charged...This was followed by comments like "You're so beautiful, how old are you, you have such a pretty face" Immediately red alarms went off and I ended the conversation. The mister must not have gotten the memo even when I stated that someone was waiting for me because he decided to move a bit closer. I firmly told him no and good night and proceeded to walk across the street towards a gas station that was filled with people. As I got closer I notice a car was following me!! This guy had jump in his car to follow me and proceeded to drive and stop every few steps I took all the while gesturing for me to get in the car. Right before I reach the gas station, he screech the car to a stop and attempted to get out.

I was scared.

I made it into the safety of the gas station and someone who actually saw the whole interaction asked me if I was all right. I charge my phone for a bit, contacted my brother and told him the situation. The gas station was closing and I decided to make a decision. I was not going to allow this man to place fear in my heart, I waited a bit to make sure his car was not close and decided to take the opposite street home.

Power of Prayer 

It's crazy how heightened your senses become when you are afraid. Every sounds seem like roaring thundering crashing right over your head...Every shadow a living, breathing incarnation of every childhood nightmare.

So I prayed

"Daddy I am scared but I believe the promises that you promised me. You said no weapons formed against me shall prosper, that you are always with me and that you will never leave or forsake. So protect Abba from the sight of evil men, hide me from the wickedness in their hearts. Holy Spirit comfort me and send my angels to be a shield around me right now"

I felt peace. 

As soon as I step up my stairs I could hear the stirrings of my mother as she yank the doors open, demanding to know who was following and if everything was all right. Now my Mama has always been a fighter and I'm pretty sure if anyone was behind me she would have tackled them down. I rarely doubt that this woman would protect me with her life if she was face with that decision.

Power of Words 

My grandmother once told me "that some people just don't know how to show their concern,fear (emotions) properly, rather than get upset at everything they say, seek to find the spirit behind the words"  

This little piece off wisdom has helped me guard my heart from many hurtful things that could have easily taken root in my heart. It has allowed me to learn the art of forgiveness quickly. With that being said, my mother is that person, whose words don't always convey the message that I know she truly wants to express in her heart. That has caused a lot of friction between us which I am holding fast to prayer about, believing God to do something awesome as I trust Him more and more...but tonight she said something that I just thought was extremely insensitive and stupid and a perfect display of how the world thinks. 

She said, "It was God who was protecting you BUT as a young lady you need to be careful what you wear because if you weren't wearing something revealing he would have never approached you that way"............

All though it drives me up the wall that I have to insert this disclaimer I would like to add I was wearing a (romper with a blue calf-length skirt over it *per direction of Holy Spirit* with a cardigan)

All though I understood from practice that she didn't know how to properly express concern what I heard was..

It's your fault

It's your responsibility

You're to blame for what happen

Men can't help themselves and as woman you should no better

That 3 letter word shifted responsibility, that 3 letter word created even for a moment this idea that I deserve to be mistreated instead of treated like a lady, that 3 letter word said to a man who had perversion and wickedness in his heart toward a woman that he was not too blame, that 3 letter word reminded me that I live in fallen world because the word that made me feel and think these things came from own my mother. 

Do I blame her??.....No, she was taught this herself by someone else. Did I learn something about this?.....Yes, I learn that there is a secret, hidden part of me that I have yet to allow the Holy Spirit to heal. I realize this experience has flash a light on a can of worms, ugliness, pain that I am not ready to explore yet and that's ok. But it's made me even more aware that my God is REAL, PRESENT, and ACTIVE. That He is there as my hidden place, my fortress, my strong refuge, my comforter late at night. So my reflection before I call it a night is filled with anguish for my sisters and hope that this reach someone that was hurting. You are not alone.

To those who have been raped/molested/terrorized: I am so so so sorry that you have endured any of it. It breaks my heart that you a survivor of such evilness. I want you to know that you are NOT to blame, you did not deserve that pain and God wept when it happen. He wept that something was stolen from you (innocence, joy, dignity, security, peace of mind, self-esteem) by force. But as you read this I want you to know there is no comforter like the Holy Spirit, and vengeance is The Lord. He LOVES you so and has the power to give you back all the things that were taken from you in abundance. You are valuable, beautiful, wonderfully and fearfully made, a masterpiece, a princess of The King, filled with purpose. I want you to know for yourself the comfort that I am getting tonight as your own. It's not easy but trust me when I say God will never leave you on this journey.

Beloved Rise