Road Less Traveled

I was traveling on this road filled with haze...you know that haze that happens when the sun's heat beats on the Earth soo much that it releases tears that turn into that dreamy steam. Well on this road I saw a couple of travelers different height, size, shape, color, age, male, and female, and some I couldn't really tell...all going different directions, all clothe in varying degree of shabbiness and filth, all on the same road. Oddly enough these travelers different in every way contained the same look on their faces. This puzzled me so much that I stopped. I shuddered and wondered did I have that same look? It was a look of pure torment. They all seem lost in a silent battle, eyes lost in a horror that only they could see. Aimlessly they moved but as I looked deeper I realized that something was pulling them deeper into the haze. I saw a weariness, a weariness that was slowly seeping the vibrancy of life from them.

I felt that weariness....I knew that weariness....I felt the tug drawing me deeper into that haze...I guess I did look like them. 

     Gosh I wanted something else....

At the corner of my eye I catch sight of a bright color red. I look up and see a young woman, she has a radiant smile, a joy and peace about her that seem to be contagious. She is heading the other way, pointing to a road less traveled. She attempts to capture the attention of any traveler she comes into contact with convincing them to walk with her...I stared, slowly our eyes connect. She joyously runs towards me and takes me by the hand. That touch felt warm, I didn't realize how cold I was.

She begins to tell me about The Man who will meet me at the beginning of my journey. He would change my life, give me a new hope and purpose. She told me how much he loved me, how much he has been pursuing me. She told that if I accept to walk with Him he promises to never leave or forsake me, promise me a joy that can't be taken. I listened and something entered my heart, hope. I wanted to meet Him.

So I followed her.

The closer we came to this road, the more I wanted to know about Him. The more I wanted to know about this King who came as man to save me from bondage, from a death that I rightly deserve, to pay the price I could never pay. What would I say? What should I do when I meet Him?

Suddenly I was bombarded by thoughts

"Why would he want to see me?"

"He's too good to be true, can he really give me all these things"

"I am not worthy"

"I am a hot mess, he wouldn't want to meet me"

"Maybe I can wait until I am more presentable to meet Him"

Just when I had convinced myself that it would be better to wait to meet him. Just before choosing to completely turn around I look up and I saw Him...in that moment every thought scattered, every fear was cast out, every sadness I've felt paled in comparison to the love I saw in His eyes. That love overwhelmed me so much I was rendered speechless. Silent, steady tears became my words. "You've found me" they said. He lifted his hands for an embrace...for a moment I hesitated.. I looked down at myself filthy, disheveled and I didn't want to make Him dirty, I try to pull at and fix myself quickly and the worst I looked. 

"Come" He said.

His voice drew my focus away from my state to the source of solution.

I don't know when my feet started to move, I don't know when urgency captured my heart turning it to a desperate run but what I knew was He was the answer for that huge void in me. I fell into His embrace and I clung to the source of life. That was the best Fall I've experienced.

"Welcome back my child, I have missed you, oh how I long for this reunion, how I long to hold you and free you from those burdens, I've sent so many to grab your  attention but today you have heard my voice. My Beloved Child"

A dam was released in me and those silent tears became heart wrenching groans. "I am home, my heart sing " there I stayed until slowly my tears abated and my hold loosened enough for me to let out my praise.

I am home.

(Part two to be continued...)

Dear Beloved,

To say this story was my plan would be a lie. It seemed to write itself as it flowed from my spirit. With every word I ministered to my own spirit. Every word brought me back to 3 almost 4 years ago. I remember feeling lost, aimless, weary, burdened, and so deep in darkness. I remember thinking that there must be more but unable to figure out what more was. I remember that moment when I recognize that I was on a road that leading to doom and many were on it with me.

I don't know how many people he sent my way to wake me up, to point me back to Him. I thank God that he kept sending people, that he continued to pursue me and place people and moments in my path that soften my heart to hear Him. I want to thank Heather Lindsey for being my lady in red that finally grabbed my attention to point me back to the road less traveled, back to Jesus. Her joy in Christ created a hunger in me for the same. I wanted it for myself.

This story reminded me of 3 main points.

1. I was once lost. I was once in a place where life had no meaning, no purpose. I was simply going through the motion, a copy of everyone else in the world. I can never be too proud to say that I was once covered in filth, I once was living a life of intentional sin, I was once God enemy but God demonstrates his own love for us in this: while we were still sinners Christ came and died for us (Romans 5:8)

2. Called to be a lady/men in red. Once we have discovered Christ we are each called to share that freedom with others. So many are lost, fighting a losing battle in their own strength all because Gods people are silent about who God is in their life. The joy, peace, love, power that we have in Christ should be so apparent that it draws people to His throne.

3. Choosing the road less traveled and encountering Jesus is part 1. When I was 16 I had my first encounter with Jesus. So much so that I made a decision to be baptized. I had that emotional response, that dam of release but my relationship with Him remained at the encounter. I didn't walk with Him, I didn't grow in Him in fact almost immediately I was blindsided by the world because I didn't grow roots. Beloved we must work out our salvation for whoever is of God hears the words of God. The reason why you do not hear them (His Truth) is that you are not of God. For if you abide in His word, you will truly be His disciples. You will know His voice and you will follow Him.

Beloved Rise,

Forbidden Doors; Overcoming Desires

Late at night when my flesh whispers to me and my thoughts slithers near forbidden doors 

You are there clothing me with your power, Grace, and mercy

When the voices of the world seem to sing me a lullaby of my past...

You remind me of my current gift and the future that you are preparing for me

When I yearn to hear a deep voice woo my loneliness 

You remind me that quiet still voice is the only real comfort I need, there is nothing temporary about you.

When I feel like I can't overcome by the waves of these fleshy desires

You remind that the flesh was stripped from your back and pierced to a cross so I could have access to that overcoming freedom

Your I am is true because truth is the very fiber of your being, the foundation where love flows from...

So as honest as my feelings may seem during the darkest moments in the sky

I am choosing to rest on the Son that shines and lights on all hidden places in my life.

Only you have seen all of my secret thoughts and hidden places and deep hurts...and love me the same.

So tonight as my flesh pines for what was

I surrender and marvel at a love that is and will always be.

Thank you for loving me Jesus.

I remember about 2 years ago I was in a place where I was mad at God, I was in a place where I couldn't deny who he was in my life but at the same time I wanted to rebel and push away because things weren't going my way and the pruning stage of my growth occurring.

 I was lonely, and I was missing being intimate with a man. I was no longer in the honeymoon stages with God, I was in the marriage phase where we had to work some things out... That didn't sit too well because I thought "God if I am not feeling my relationship with you then you are not really there for me, what about my needs God? Why am I going through these things?" You see relationship with God takes commitment, it takes active effort on our part to draw close and truly be married to him.

 At that time I had the number of someone who I entertained and temporarily used to fill that God size void in my heart. You see I didn't really see a future with this person but he was a desired distraction from my present. He was that person I called knowing that he would pick up no matter what... Pause can we be real about this..y'all know we all have that saved number that we should have deleted a LOONNNGGG time ago. That person was mine. 

Looking back at this place now I cringe and at the same time smile because I realize two things. The first, I was extremely selfish and manipulative in that season behaving like a Jezebel. I wanted God my way or not at all and if he wasn't going to move at the speed that I wanted Him too I would help him along, silly right?? That Jezebel spirit is no joke. The second thing I realize was that even when I was intentionally seeking to be disobedient God was still pursuing me relentlessly, providing me with opportunities/ moments to obey him. Beloved the same saving Grace that picks us up when we fall, if we look back also will provide us escape routes to protect us and propel us to a deeper maturity. It gives us the power to say no to sin and yes to God.

I didn't know then that God had already equipped me with the power and ability to pass those tests with my flesh but I had to choose to access that power. Beloved God has given us all the power we need to overcome these strongholds in our lives we just now have to learn how to tap into that power.

How do we access that power?

1. Be honest with God. God isn't afraid or surprise by your feelings. In fact he would much rather you express it and share it with him then run around and tell everyone and their mamma. That love letter in the beginning of this blog was a journal entry I had at 2-3 o'clock in the morning. I chose to be honest to God about where I was, my desires, I chose to be unashamed like David. 
2. Stop Lying to Yourself. Before we can tap into that power that is trap in you, you have to stop lying to yourself. Stop pretending that everything is OK..it's not..you are in a battle and you are taking critical hits, a good amount of it from your own gun.
3. Put on the full Armor of God. One of my favorite Pastor/teacher is Dr. Tony Evans, he just has the ability to present the word of God in a way that blows your mind and can make sense to even the smallest child. It would be an injustice for me to try to explain what I have learn from this so I attach the video below. Watch it, take notes =)
4. Stand Firm and Have faith. Beloved you are a new creation in Christ, when God freed you from sin he freed you from all sin. You have to believe in that truth, you have to stand firm in it. Then you have to work out your salvation in that truth.  

My prayer today is that you will stop allowing your feelings to lead you to forbidden doors. My prayer today is that what you have been wrestling with for so long you place it before the throne of God and not the audience of men.

Beloved Rise, 

A Heart Like Hosea

I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. Hosea 2:19

For awhile I have been praying, "God give me a heart like Hosea, a heart that breaks after what breaks your heart, a heart that desires to reach out to the lost of this world". Today I realized what it means to pray that prayer. I don't know if I am just extremely sensitive to the Holy Spirit due to my experience during the Pinky Promise Conference 2015 which I will blog about later, but today I felt my heart break. It hurts so much Beloved that all I can do is shed tears and implore our Heavenly Abba to grant us mercy.

These past few months our world has been riddled with violence, pain, hatred, and so much evilness. I nearly became immune to it, it slowly became an expectation to hear about something horrible happening in the news, I was no longer surprise, I was no longer affected. This past week was a prime example of evilness gaining strength in our nation. On June 17 around 8 pm in Charleston, South Carolina a young man, Dylann Roof, opened fire in a church Bible Study killing 9 people. This was a hate crime. This young white man went in to this predominantly African American church to kill the people there because they looked different from him. His actions disturbed me, his hate angered me but what broke me was the victims families response to him.  They responded in love, a love that could only come from Jesus Christ. I was floored.. Loving/ forgiving is easy until you have something that you truly have to love someone through and forgive someone for. This family had every reason to respond in anger, in their emotions, with their hate, in fact it was expected...but when they responded differently it showed that love has the power to overcome any evil/hate. That's when you realize that you can't love completely out of your own strength, you need the supernatural grace of God. For He IS love. 

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. ~1 John 4:18

Today this love is under attack. It is being challenged and is being redefined by man. The part that hurts is that the Body of Christ is allowing it by our actions and convictions. My focus today is not even about the law that was passed that has now made Same-sex marriage legal in the United States. That isn't my focus because I trust Gods word, for his word is eternal and everything else is temporary. My focus is on the response of the body of Christ. We are divided church and confused and I just don't get it. The Word says that a house divided can not stand. We hesitate and walk in fear while knowing the truth. We sugarcoat and tone down the Gospel that has the ability to save and transform because we fear persecution. We hold our testimonies and are unprepared to provide a reason for our hope which is Jesus Christ. We need to stand on the truth of God and not our opinions of it. His word is clear.

We are posting statements of "God is love, and it's not my place to judge.... while failing to mention that He is also Holy, righteous and we are called to be doers of the word, to submit ourselves therefore to God to resist the devil". 

What happen to our conviction Church?? 

For whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin. (James 4:16).  

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12).

We are called to live as people who are free, not using our freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. (1 Peter 2:16)

We have Blood on our Hands.

I pray you hear my heart in this blog. Today I realize and literally felt this prayer in every part of me. My heart is breaking for this world and I can not contain my tears. So much so that I had to ask God for forgiveness. Forgiveness for focusing on earthly things like my career, my single status, my emotions, fear, guilt, shame about my past, need for money and car etc.. When he's been trying to get me in a place where I could be empty to be used by Him to minister to his people. Beloved do you feel it? Do you feel the breaking of Gods heart for this world?? Do you feel his yearning for these lost souls?? Or are you so focus on self like I was. So focus on what you need from God that you have turn deaf ears to His heart desire, so focus on your inadequacy that you forgot that God can use those very things your hiding to save someone soul. Is your comfort zone worth someone very soul and eternity?? Beloved we need to repent of our selfish ways and seriously pray for the Holy Spirit to wreck our hearts. I want to have a heart and life that yearns after the things of God. I want a heart like Hosea.

What does a heart like that look like?? I guess we have to first figure out who this Hosea was. Why was his story so powerful? Let's explore it together. 

Hosea was a minor prophet who lived during the final days of the Northern Kingdom. Hosea had such a heart for God that God chose to use his family life as a symbol to represent His constant love, grace, mercy for an unfaithful nation, the Israelites. God ordered Hosea to marry Gomer, an adulterous/unfaithful women knowing full well she will step out on him. The crazy part is that all though his heart is constantly broken by her unfaithfulness, God orders him to continuously love her, to take her back and care for her. Hosea love for Gomer is a representation of Gods covenant love for the unfaithful Israelites. 

Heart like Hosea Is:

1. Obedient- To marry a woman during that period of time with a reputation for being loose was to be an open target for ridicule. Can you imagine being a prophet telling people that God will punish the people for their unfaithfulness and hearing someone make a jab about your wife?? But Hosea didn't care what men thought of Him, he cared about what God has to say...and when he spoke he listen.

2. Sensitive to Gods voice- In today's generation we are sensitive to everyone and everything but God. We waver and flow from whichever opinions sounds the best to our ears. One of the biggest complaint that I hear is, "Well, how do I know that it's God and not me or the enemy??" You can only know someone you spend time with. You can only recognize the voice of someone you constantly listen to. There are too many people who have opinions about God yet don't KNOW Him.

3. Relentless in its Convictions- Hosea wasn't afraid to stand alone. Even if the attack came from home, from his peers he did not compromise his convictions to fit in. Even when everyone else was living for the world, he had determined in his heart that he would live and speak for God. We need that conviction again y'all.

4. Broken for what breaks God's heart. God loves people. He desires so much for them to come into his rest. He desires for them to be whole. He desires for them to come into the knowledge of Him. He desires for the least to be taken care of. He desires having fellowship with us. He desires for us to be able to approach his throne with reverence, adoration. He desires for no one to perish but for all to be saved through a relationship with his son Jesus Christ. Do you desire to see people saved? Set free? Delivered? Living boldly and completely in Him? You can answer yes to all those that's great! My follow up questions to that are when was the last time you shared Christ with someone? Do you live in the freedom that Christ died to give you or are you justifying sin in your life?

5. Filled with Unconditional love-  One of the parts that brings me to tears is when Hosea redeems his wife. Hosea buys back his wife from slavery for way more than she was worth because God called him to love her. To have a heart like Hosea we need to love the unlovable, to forgive the unforgivable unconditionally. We should treat people with more love, respect, honor than they deserve because Christ gave us more that we could ever hope for on that cross. He gave us a chance to be reconciled with our Heavenly Abba. 

Let's stop focusing on us Beloveds. Let's truly be free! Walk in obedience so you can lead someone to Christ. Resist the devil. Die daily to your flesh. Seek God! Let's live this life for real for real! Pray, Pray, Pray. It's time we took our place. Let's agree in prayer today. 

Beloved Rise,

Black Sheep in Me

I've been attempting to write this blog for at least 10+ months and just struggled with the words because in all honesty this is still a weak spot for me. I still struggle with the insecurity of feeling like an outcast even when I am surrounded by a crowd. This is an area that I am still surrendering, a piece of me that is still in the process of mending. It seems like the month of February is my "exposure" month, a month filled with God unearthing deep hidden parts in my heart. Which makes sense because February is the month that not only do I become a year older but in general the world is dealing with their definition of love. What would you do for the sake of love??

You ever find yourself relating to the villain in a story. I mean really understanding why they are the way they are and why they do the things they do because in a real way you see a part of them in you.

Well.......for me the "villain" I most identify with is the first earthly son. Cain.

I am Cain. You might be thinking....ummm I don't get it...What are you trying to say??? I am saying that in a real, undeniable way I understand and can relate to Cain. For those of you who don't know who this Cain is, let me give you a quick catch up in a significant story in the Bible that I  believe we can all relate to in some way, shape or form. Cain is the first man in the Bible to commit murder. He was the firstborn of Adam and Eve, a farmer, and the first black sheep of the family. Cain is the originator of sibling rivalry gone wrong and the first example of what anger and jealousy can do to a man's heart and life, and what people bondage can do to the heart. For your convenience I have added the story into this blog in order to be used as a reference point later

 Now Adam had sexual relations with his wife, Eve, and she became pregnant. When she gave birth to Cain, she said, “With the Lord’s help, I have produced a man!” Later she gave birth to his brother and named him Abel.

When they grew up, Abel became a shepherd, while Cain cultivated the ground.  When it was time for the harvest, Cain presented some of his crops as a gift to the Lord.  Abel also brought a gift—the best of the firstborn lambs from his flock. The Lord accepted Abel and his gift,  but he did not accept Cain and his gift. This made Cain very angry, and he looked dejected.

 “Why are you so angry?” the Lord asked Cain. “Why do you look so dejected?  You will be accepted if you do what is right. But if you refuse to do what is right, then watch out! Sin is crouching at the door, eager to control you. But you must subdue it and be its master.”

One day Cain suggested to his brother, “Let’s go out into the fields.” And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother, Abel, and killed him.

 Afterward the Lord asked Cain, “Where is your brother? Where is Abel?”

“I don’t know,” Cain responded. “Am I my brother’s guardian?”

But the Lord said, “What have you done? Listen! Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground!  Now you are cursed and banished from the ground, which has swallowed your brother’s blood. No longer will the ground yield good crops for you, no matter how hard you work! From now on you will be a homeless wanderer on the earth.”

"Is there something wrong with me? Why is it a struggle for me to get the love that you seemed to easily give to others? Why am I Plan B?? Why am I trying so hard to earn your love or approval when it seems impossible for me to get it? I just want you to LOVE me! Is that too much to ask??!" 

To be completely transparent. Yes I am a Christian, yes I know that Jesus LOVES me in a way that no one on this Earth could  ever compare or surpass..but there is still that part in me, that small part that seeks to be loved and approved by a person. For me that person is my mother.

I have mama issues y'all, deep rooted ones that are bring unearthed everyday.....this is not to say that my mother hasn't taken care of me or nurtured me, I am who I am because of her sacrifice & dedication. There are soooo many things I could never repay her for. Nevertheless some of my deepest hurts and scars were inflicted by her. You see real love makes you vulnerable. It leaves you susceptible to be hurt & disappointed. Quickly in this life you discover that humans make horrible gods. We are too fragile, prideful, limited to carry that burden.

Nothing cuts as deep as the feeling of being unwanted by the people who should love you. I have felt like a black sheep. I have fed jealousy in my heart, kept grudges because I felt I had the right to be angry. I have felt like a visitor in my own home and an outcast among my friends. Not necessarily because they intentionally made me feel that way but because we live in a fallen world with imperfect human beings that will cause us pain. The enemy loves those inflicted by the "Black Sheep Syndrome". Matter fact the word says he targets them.

But...just like the enemy goes out of his way to chase down those of us that feel like a black sheep, GOD leaves the 100 to pursue and find that one lost black sheep. When lost you become the focus of his pursuit and overwhelming love. Wow! That wrecks me everytime it sinks in. God isn't confused and bothered by my feelings of loneliness, and anger. He wants to pursue me in the midst of it all. 

What??

Love. What is it?? Clearly it's something  we all want, sing of, fantasize about, desire to the point of craziness but seem to always---fall short to achieving or gaining. We don't understand love because we don't know the author of it, the source of it. We fail to sit down and reflect on why we feel what we feel. We just continue to be a victim to the roller coaster of emotions, moments, and experiences. I've come to realize that a good source of majority of my pain is that I was expecting Perfect love from an imperfect, hurt human being while ignoring the ONLY person that can love me perfectly.  

I have people bondage.

You see it's hard to serve and truly love someone when you are a slave to them. You have to release them from that list of people who wronged you Beloveds. You can't please an unpleasable person....I can't lose my focus on God and miss my blessings and purpose through Him by being bothered by a temporary being. But that is easier said than done. These are the things I'm learning in my journey of being a black sheep.

1. Figure out/study your love language. If you don't understand how you receive love, you will always be confused to why you feel the way you feel. Good The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.

2. Draw near to God and he will draw nearer to you. Encounter the source of love. God is closer than your next breath. You are never alone. He is close to those who are broken hearted.

3. Release that grudge list you have in your heart. True love doesn't keep records of wrong. You may have all the right to do so but you will never move past it until you write down that list that you've been keeping tally of in your heart and tear it up.

4. Look at that persons through God eyes. This is HARD Beloved, a true struggle because it forces you to go beyond you. Beyond your hurt, your experiences, your perception of this person lies an undeniable truth. God loves them too. He sees them not as we see them, he sees their heart. The toughest, most harden people used to be the most sensitive people who have been beat up by life. When you grace others and choose to see them with mercy its rewardedby the Father.

5. Open yourself to receive love from God- place people. Fellowship is not an option. You can't do this journey alone, you were never design too.

6. Stop nursing that Cain hate/hurt in your heart. Cain was warned by God about the hate and hurt in his heart before it manifested to murder. Write it down, seek counseling. But don't meditate on it constantly because what a man thinks becomes what he does.

7. Recognize that not everyone is going to love you perfectly, know the difference between season friends/people. Forgiving someone doesn't always mean that they are qualified to be in every season of your life. That's ok. Ask for wisdom/discern means it will be given.

My hearts desire is that one person felt God's beckon back into his embrace.  Feeling like a black sheep is tough Beloved but what a balm to the soul it is to know that the Almighty God cares enough to leave everything to seek and find you.

Be encouraged.

Beloved Rise,

Winter Blues; Invitation Back to Life

"I hear the rain falling against my window pane. I feel the chill nip of the winter air reach for my toes. One more minute I said, 30 minutes ago to my alarm clock. Just a couple more seconds I thought as my finger hit that snooze button. I just don't really want to participate in today honestly. I don't think I can muster the energy or desire for one more day. I don't think I can fight through this heaviness that just envelopes my mind, body, and spirit. I can't deal. Can't I just close my eyes and stay in bed all day? Can't I just take a raincheck in participating in life? I promise that tomorrow I'll be more able, more present, more driven, more I guess alive. Today I just can't..."

"Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world, Daughter Rise. My strength is made even more evident when you are weak. I am your strength. Rest in me."

Hi. *princess wave* I'm Jenny. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ, completely and totally in love with him and I am on a journey in overcoming what the clinical world calls seasonal depression and what I choose to refer as "winter blues". Can I be honest and say I really didn't want to release this blog into the world. I didn't want to disclose a battle that I deal with everyday, I wanted to appear like I had it all together. I realize that I was trying to boast in my own strength, to block a blessing of obedience.

Beloveds more and more I am learning that what attracts people to "inspirational" people is not their perfect pieces but the broken ones that have been transformed by God. Only in transparency can there be true connection, love, and healing... and to just be blunt, there are too many dead people pretending to be alive.  We have too many people pretending to have it together when they are barely making it through. That is pride. So I release this blog believing that in my imperfect way God will perfectly express his LOVE and constant presence to those of you dealing with depression, have relatives suffering from it, or in a place where life just seems to hard to continue...

The beginning of this blog is pretty much my daily struggle from the moment Mid-October hits to basically April-May. Some days are better than most while others feel like hours are too long so I function in minute intervals. See I didn't know I was depressed until my Junior year in college but at that point I had been dealing with depression for 5 years.

If you met me you'd understand why this was hard to believe, I tend to present or embody a "Ray of sunshine, puppies, rainbow, and Reese's" presence. I am an introvert that comes off as an extrovert. A weird breed of human that genuinely loves people but is exhausted by social interaction with them. People see my smile and often time believe that I haven't endured demons...what they don't realize is the brightest smile tends to hide the deepest battles. That smile you see tends to be the tallest barrier, and most iron clad jail.

I didn't realize I was depressed until death seem more fascinating to me than life. I didn't realize how deep in it I was until I looked around my room and saw the mess and immediately felt too tired to function. I didn't realize how wrapped up I was until I noticed that my love affair with my bed mattered more to me than my cleanliness (hygiene), eating, and just daily living activities. Sunlight hurt, I was constantly tired, constantly cold and filled with a dull ache/numbness in my chest that seemed to grow daily. It's hard for people to understand what someone suffering from depression may feel. I was one of them who believed that this person just needs to suck it up and pull themselves up by their bootstrap. I am no expert at depression whatsoever, but from experience I can say that for me depression wasn't because I COULDN'T deal with life problems and issues, I just didn't have the desire to. If I could put into words my state of mind 3 years ago and most likely the general feeling of many individuals dealing with depression I would say:

I wasn't depressed because I was overwhelmed by feelings, life, emotions. I was depressed because of the absence of them....I wanted to feel...I wanted happiness to stay longer but I felt discon.....nected. Like a bystander seeing life without an invitation to join.

That's where I encountered Christ.

He extended an invitation that was so much better than my current situation. He invited me to experience true life! He met me in that dark place and comforted me like no other. Gosh. I wish my words could really capture that moment. The day he met me I hadn't showered for days, I haven't eaten for probably more, I didn't have the words to explain the pit I was in. I wanted help but I didn't know how to ask, I felt so alone, like no one could understand or see me....I was tired Beloveds, so very tired and I remember wishing that I could sleep forever and right then, in my literal funk I heard in my spirit:

"I have never left or forsake you. I am right here Daughter. I understand. I love you, come let me give you the rest, the peace that you desperately want. Let me fill that void" 

I didn't have to explain he already knew. I didn't have to verbalized because he saw my pain and saw the state of my heart. I got up and took a shower, and the drops of water on my flesh felt like a cleansing. I not only was washing the stink off my skin but my very soul. The tears falling off my face in that shower was a dam of release. Jesus loves me, I am not alone. You are not alone either.

Dealing with depression sucks and one of the biggest illusion that people fall for is this idea that they are alone. Another lie that we fall for especially if you are a Christian is this idea I shouldn't be dealing with this anymore. I remember thinking, Am I suppose to feel this way as a Christian? I mean I'm saved and Holy Spirit filled why in the world am I still struggling in this area?? I thought that the moment I came to Christ with my whole heart that I didn't have to deal with things like this anymore? I mean I am a NEW CREATION right??!" Should I take medication? Should I see a counselor? If I do any of the above does that mean I don't believe in the power prayer. 

This is what God has taught on this journey and this is where I stand in regards to all the question above.

1. GOD IS THE ANSWER. I believe in the sovereignty of God and all of his power. I believe in his promises and not once has he promised me that I wouldn't deal with depression anymore. His word says I am victorious, but sometimes we forget that before any victory there is a battlefield, confrontation, struggle. That is the process of overcoming.

2. Depression is a spiritual and physical thing. We are a spirit placed in a body of dirt (Genesis 2:7). This means that the start point is and always will be prayer/faith, it also continues with the physical provision of God. A counselor is a physical provision, someone that God has gifted to walk with you through this journey. For some medication is a provision. In all God has to be the guide, the main point of instruction and leading.

3. You are not LESS of a Christian for dealing with depression. This sounds weird but I honestly believe that I am still overcoming depression because for me it keeps me humble and focus on God. I can't pride myself when I have great days (which is more often than my less) because I know that God is my source, he's the reason behind it, he is my strength, my peace, my refuge. There are some struggles that God will keep you in because in it you discover the depth of Him. (Disclaimer: Notice I said struggles and not sin. God is HOLY no sin that he has clearly called you out of ex: fornication, witchcraft, homosexuality, idolatry, drunkenness etc...he will tell you to remain in (-_-) don't play games).

4. I am not "Happy", I am JOYFUL. There is a huge difference. You see Beloved happiness is circumstantial, it depends on the situation, on the people involved, and on feelings. This is why someone/something can "ruin your mood". No sir. Not for me. Joy is my inheritance. It's not dependent on me it is secured in Christ. No one can rob me of my joy, because no one can rob God. You can delay the glory that YOU give Him, but he ultimately will get all of the glory. Am I always happy? No. Am I always joyful? Yes! because God is.

5. Joy is a choice. It begins with choosing Christ to be your Savior. You see I have had bad days, and those ladies I've chosen to be accountable to know that these days can be rough. But Ive learn that I can choose to reach out for prayer or choose to stay in that place. I can choose to stir myself up & remind myself of the promises of God or mope around with some demons and their lies. The joy that people see in me is a choice that I make in the morning to believe that God has me in the palm of his hands. A choice to believe that the plans that he has for me for that day are plans to prosper me and not too cause me harm. My joy comes from the knowledge that when I am spent and done, God is right there saying tag me in.

To those of you dealing with depression and don't know Christ: I wish I could give you a hug and look you in the face and tell you, you are not alone. I've been there, and we are in this together. God knows, and understands. Seek his face right now. Then reach out to someone. A lone sheep is the focus target of the enemy, but the thing worth shouting for and crying over is that, God is the shepherd that leaves the 99 to find the 1 lost. He's looking for you.

To those dealing with depression as Christians: Keep going, keep believing, keep enduring. God is using this in our lives for a reason. You may not understand the why but trust the WHO. The great I AM goes before you claiming the victory. Release that testimony and put down your shields of "perfect, I got it together". No you don't if you did you wouldn't need Christ. God wants to use this to touch and reach someone. This was what I was convicted about and it's the reason this blog is being written.

To those with loved ones dealing with depression: Stop expecting an explanation, a reason and just be available.  Most importantly pray, pray, pray. Depression makes no sense, and often times those in its clutches don't know how to put into words the vastness of the emptiness. Words are exhausting. Release them of that responsibility of giving you a reason and instead intercede on their behalf. What helped me the most on my journey weren't the people demanding an answer but those who were quietly there expecting nothing. They let me be but made it evident that I could depend on them to help me step out and kept me upright when my knees buckled and my feet faltered. Your presence more than your words will speak louder. 

Beloved Rise,

One of my Beautiful sisters who saw me in that season

 

Alive While Black; Lord Why did you Make me Black??

I didn't realize I was black until I came to America. I didn't realize it was a problem until the darkness of my skin made me suspicious to those who swore to protect me. I didn't realize how ingrained living with this had become until all the recent cases regarding the police killing black men/children and getting off without even a slap on the wrist hit me like a ton of bricks. Am I shocked by the lack of justice?? Am I shock by the response, anger of the people??

No I am not.

We live in a fallen, dead world. We live in a time where we chastise those who are faithful, bully those who are innocent and justify those who are corrupt. A time where the normal state of mind is "It's not my business, I don't need to get involved" or "It's not wrong as long as you don't get caught". Fear, and ignorance are ruling the hearts of man and the underlying prejudice and hate that people were harboring for so long on the down low is now pushing out of the cracks of a frail broken system. This was inevitable.

For awhile I was so tired of being black. I was so tired of being followed through stores because my skin color seem to scream "THIEF". I was tired of being followed by cops on the road because I appeared to be in the wrong place, neighborhood. You know what I was tired of the most being the token "black friend, student, example of a black girl that made it, or better yet spokesperson for the black race in any discussion where I am surrounded by white individuals...I could share stories of my #AliveWhileBlack moments where the pure ignorance and hatred literally shook me to my very core and made me wonder, "I must have doe something to deserve this..it can't just be because I am BLACK".....(maybe in another blog, I just don't know where to start)....today I want to share a poem that literally brought me to tears the firs time I read it. A poem that spoke to the hurting, tired part of me.

Lord Why did you Make me Black??

By: RuNette Nia Ebo

Lord, Lord,
Why did You make me Black?
Why did You make me someone
The world wants to hold back?

Black is the color of dirty clothes;
The color of grimy hands and feet.
Black is the color of darkness;
The color of tire-beaten streets.

Why did you give me thick lips,
A broad nose and kinky hair?
Why did You make me someone
Who receives the hatred stare?

Black is the color of a bruised eye
When somebody gets hurt.
Black is the color of darkness.
Black is the color of dirt.

How come my bone structure’s so thick;
my hips and cheeks are high?
How come my eyes are brown
and not the color of the daylight sky?

Why do people think I’m useless?
How come I feel so used?
Why do some people see my skin and think I should be abused?

Lord, I just don’t understand;
What is it about my skin?
Why do some people want to hate me
And not know the person within?

Black is what people are “listed”,
When others want to keep them away.
Black is the color of shadows cast.
Black is the end of the day.

Lord, You know, my own people mistreat me;
And I know this just isn't right.
They don’t like my hair or the way I look
They say I’m too dark or too light.

Lord, Don’t You think it’s time
For You to make a change?
Why don’t You re-do creation
And make everyone the same?

(God answers)

Why did I make you black?
Why did I make you black?

Get off your knees and look around.
Tell Me, what do you see?
I didn’t make you in the image of darkness.
I made you in the Likeness of ME!

I made you the color of coal
From which beautiful diamonds are formed.
I made you the color of oil,
The black-gold that keeps people warm.

I made you from the rich, dark earth
That can grow the food you need.
Your color’s the same as the panther’s
Known for (HER) beauty and speed.

Your color’s the same as the Black stallion,
A majestic animal is he.
I didn’t make you in the Image of darkness
I made you in the Likeness of Me!

All the colors of a Heavenly Rainbow
Can be found throughout every nation;
And when all those colors were blended well,
YOU BECAME MY GREATEST CREATION.

Your hair is the texture of lamb’s wool
Such a humble, little creature is he.
I am the Shepherd who watches them.
I am the One who will watch over thee.

You are the color of midnight-sky,
I put the stars’ glitter in your eyes.
There’s a smile hidden behind your pain
That’s the reason your cheeks are high.

You are the color of dark clouds formed
when I send My strongest weather.
I made your lips full so when you kiss
the one you love they will remember.

Your stature is strong; your bone structure, thick
to withstand the burdens of time.
The reflection you see in the mirror…
The Image looking back at you is MINE!

REFLECTION

There are things I will never understand living in this society....I will never understand the ability of mankind to dehumanized each other, to teach/act upon hate...I will never understand why fear coupled with ignorance and prejudice will be enough reason to take a life...I will never understand why some lies are more precious than others..I will never understand why we still haven't learn from history....

I just don't get it

I believe that there will always be injustice in any community I choose to live in. I also believe that the injustice won't always be targeted at me. Life just isn't fair and its easier to blame the world for everything that we see and experience. It's not that hard to look outside and see the flaws of the government system, media, workforce (the past few weeks it's all been screaming pretty loudly at us)... but it's even harder to realize that the flaw that we seek on the outside actually begins IN me and in you and to inspire change we need to BE the change. 

One of the main reasons why I love this poem is because it shows the power of perspective. This poem never list excuses to why people are born a certain way, it never tries to dismiss the attributes/features that make us stand out; instead it focuses on the strengths and power in how we choose to see yourselves.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect"

I realize that I might always be seen by some as black/nigger/victim by some unfortunate people but it only matters if I continue to see myself that way, act, speak, and dream tat way. You see Beloved it doesn't matter what people call you it's matters what you answer to.

Being black is no longer a burden for me because my mind has been renewed. It is now a privilege that was given to me because I now have unique experiences that will cause me to impact the world. You and I are purposed for great things!! There are things that in the hands of God can inspire so much change. Last night I watch an interview of the family of DJ Henry, the son of a member of my church here in Boston that is a perfect example of what the enemy met for evil, God has used for our good.

Danroy "DJ" Henry was a 20 yr. old young man from Easton, MA, a junior at Pace University in New York who was fatally shot and killed by NY police officers Oct. 17, 2010. DJ waiting to pick up his friends from a bar brawl was parked in a fire lane with his best friend in the car in the passenger seat. A cop told them to move the car. They did. Less than a few minutes later, they drove a few feet when officer Aaron Hess suddenly and inexplicably jumps on the hood of the car and starts firing through the windshield. DJ was shot through the heart and lungs, Henry was pulled from the car by police and died to long afterwards on the street unattended. The officer stated that he open fire because he believed that DJ was attempting to run him over. It's now 2014. Justice has yet to be served and the account by Aaron Hess about that night has changed.

If it was my baby brother who is currently the same age that DJ was when he was murdered I would find it nearly impossible to forgive. It would even be harder for me to see a cop and not have the idea in my head that this cop could be corrupt and see me/friend/loved one as a threat that needs to be taken out, but this Kingdom family in this interview responded with so much grace, maturity, wisdom, and class. His father surrounded by young men his son's age dealing with whatever emotions and memories that the recent news has caused to surface for him and his family charges them to be great anyway, to seek excellence, to live a life that is worth remembering because if death was to come the life lived well will be honored.

So echoing Danroy Henry Sr. I invite y'all to seek excellence with me daily, to be great anyways, to live nobly and honorably in spite of it all because it doesn't matter what you are called it matters what you answer to. 

Beloved Rise,

Nubian King; Letter to my Brothers

Last night I went to sleep with tears in my eyes and a heaviness in my spirit. This was precipitated by the news from Ferguson and the most recent news from Cleveland, and the no indictment in the Eric Garner case. I felt such an urge to reach out to my baby brother to remind him that he is a King, an asset to this life no matter what the world says. I wanted to remind him that even if society/the world saw him as a threat I saw him as a world changer. I could easily focus on the injustice of our government system, I can easily follow that up with theories that state the obvious maltreatment of minorities in our country but I am choosing instead to move away from the easier and attempt to tackle the difficult, which is to edify, build up, lift in prayer and challenge my Nubian Kings as a fellow Queen. I am choosing instead to write this letter as a call to humility, prayer and action.

Dear Black/Minority Man,

You are a KING...You are a KING...You are a KING. If I could take the time to say this multiple times to every single one of you I would. You are filled with purpose, power, and ability to inspire change. You my Kings are an example of true strength and perseverance, because even when all the odds are stack against you, you still find a way to survive. You my Kings are an asset, gifts not a problem that needs to be fixed/figured out by outside human powers. The change you are looking for begins with a deep look at your reflection.

Less than a 100 years ago the flesh from your backs were stripped/ burned off your bodies. Your dangling bodies in the hot sun was considered entertainment. That brutality and savagery tried to break the burning fire that is your spirit but it only inflamed your desire to live, increased your ability to dream. You endure but were left scarred. The physical scarring healed but the emotional, psychological one was left festering creating the environment we live  in.

Nigger became "Nigga" a term of endearment with a history of imprisonement, the word "boy" that was once used as a phrase that met less than is now a catchphrase we throw around more between us than any other race. Thug, Criminal, Gangsta, Dead-beat, Thief, Murderer, Drug dealer, Cheaters became labels we became comfortable living, and witnessing. Enough is enough!! It's time to reclaim your rightful place! It's time to rise & unite. You are Kings.

Survival has been the way of thinking. The heaviness of an unfair, bias justice system has been a steady lash on your backs...yet you still persevere. Your tenacity and strength just move me, Kings. It's not easy being black/minority, on certain days it can be downright hell but God made no mistake when he made you. So hold on my brothers, you were born for such a time as this. Rise up Kings and take your place. Nothing will change unless we inspire it. 

If you haven't heard it in a long while just wanted to end with saying you are LOVED. I appreciate you. 

Challenge: So whoever is reading this I am challenging you to reach out to the men, boys in your life and speak life into them, give them a place of peace. Send them a text message, a reminder, write them a letter. Right now! There is enough hate circulating around let's pour out love.

Beloved Rise,